Hey Girl, I’ll Be the Fearless Lawyer You Need

Last week, when I needed a break from educating myself about the differences between legitimate and illegitimate rape, I decided to turn my attention back to the question that consumes the mind of all single women over the age of 25 as cobwebs grow in our wombs: Why can’t I find a nice, professional man to take care of me?

Maybe it’s my long hair? Oh, right, that’s what’s killing my career, not rendering me a spinster. There are just so many pitfalls to being a female, it’s hard to keep track sometimes.

But then I saw him. A beacon of light in today’s sea of unmanly men. Richard Schulte, from Ohio. But let’s call him Rick. Rick is a much more virile name.

His profile is so dripping with testosterone, I just have to go talk to him.

So, Rick, you’re a lawyer? Wow. Isn’t that, like, really scary and intimidating?

Rick Schulte isn’t afraid to go to trial, not a bit. Most attorneys are or at the very least, they’re apprehensive. Big difference.

Oh, we’re talking in the third person now? That’s hot. Natasha likes men who speak in the third person and aren’t afraid.

Please, tell me more….

Isn’t going to trial intimidating?

If you go to court afraid of losing…the other side has an advantage. I don’t like to give my opponents advantages. I’m fearless. Which means I’ll take chances.

Grr. You sound like a real bad boy. Did you grow up on the wrong side of the tracks?

Rick grew up in a small town. Humble beginnings, blue collar neighborhood, a single mom living from one check to the next. He is proud of the fact he helped raise his mentally challenged sister. He wanted out. He wanted to do great things.

Wow, your life sounds like an After School Special and a Very Special Episode all in one. I’m surprised that Rick could rise above all that and become the superstar attorney he is today.

He knew if he could become a lawyer he could have access to justice and power. He knew, too, he would do well as a trial attorney. His career counselor in high school told him he wasn’t cut out for college, that he should look into a vocational school instead and maybe become a diesel mechanic. The counselor might as well have tried dousing a fire with gasoline.

Kind of like the fire raging in my heart right now, Rick. Tell me, how do you feel about pets?

He likes it when people say he reminds them of a pit bull.

Oh, I bet you do. I like a pit bull of a man.

If you had to pick one word that describes you, what would it be?

One word keeps coming up in conversations with Rick: Accountability. As in making the bad guys pay the piper because that’s what bad guys need to do.

Ah, so that’s what accountability means. I’ve always wondered. But seriously, do you take on real bad guys? Like the mafia and stuff?

His cases are all high risk. He has faced down major insurance companies, huge pharmaceutical conglomerates, police departments, city governments, the Catholic Church and many others.

Hmm, now I can’t tell if it would be a good idea or a bad idea to put on my Catholic schoolgirl uniform. Maybe I’ll wait for our second date to risk it.

This is kind of embarrassing. I bet Rick gets approached by girls all the time.

He gets attention.

Of course. And it must be exhausting for you, after spending your days fighting The Man.

Injustices usually happen to the little guy, he says. Ever hear about Microsoft getting shafted? You think Toyota’s going to fix a problem with un-intended acceleration without a trial attorney exposing them?

Well, I don’t know. Do you?

Rick doesn’t.

Then neither do I.

My head is about to explode from all your awesomeness, Rick. But what about non-law stuff? Do you have any hobbies?

After law school, he took up hunting. He has also taken elk, deer, goats, buffalo, coyotes and antelope. He’s choosy about his prey. It says something about the way he approaches his practice and, probably more to the point, his opponents.

Be still my beating heart. So that’s where all the cowboys have gone! See, Paula Cole, they still exist. You were just looking in the wrong place. They’re right here, in Ohio…

But goats are so scary, shouldn’t you hunt something easier to catch?

I take only the most dominant animal, out of respect for the animal. What’s more of a challenge? Prey become dominant because of their superior instinct. When you limit your kill to the most dominate, you must be at the top of your game for a successful harvest.

Hot damn. I’m pretty sure that last “dominate” should have been “dominant,” but my mind is so clouded with thoughts of domination right now that I don’t even care. It’s getting all Fifty Shades of Grey in here.

I bet your office is super manly-like, with the stuffed heads of your prey mounted on the walls. You know, elks with huge antlers, former heads of the archdiocese, once-endangered buffalo. You probably have a bear-skin rug in front of a roaring fire, where we could lay back and —

What, what? You’re taken?

Rick’s wife, Valerie, is a practicing OB/GYN. They have two sons, Tripp and Torin.

Dammit, Rick, I thought we had some real chemistry going here. But I should have known that you were too much man to still be single. Of course your wife is an expert in lady parts who bore you two maverick sons. There’s no way I could compete with that.

His family is at the top of his list, although he’s also comfortable spending time in the woods.

Right. Hunting dominant goats. Got it.

You’re a heartbreaker, Rick, but I’m just not that kind of girl. I’ll be over here in the corner, listening to Adele and crying in my Riesling. And hoping that one day, just maybe, I’ll find a guy who’s half the man you are.