Sammy’s been a little cold with his dissenting opinions lately, so we’ve assigned him to a minor appellate jurisdiction until he can better contribute to this court.
Obviously, Sammy is a veteran legal scholar who has played a deciding role in several high-profile cases, but until he regains his stroke, we need to go with someone who can best interpret statutory law as set out by the U.S. Constitution. But we’re confident that he only needs to author a few decisions in some lower-pressure situations before he’s ready to return.
— Chief Justice John Roberts, explaining the reasons why Justice Samuel “Sammy” Alito was temporarily removed from the Supreme Court and appointed to the Eleventh Circuit (which is typically Justice Clarence Thomas’s turf). According to reports, Alito will be replaced by Judge Ricardo Gonzalez of the District of Puerto Rico.
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(This quote comes from The Onion, a satirical news site, but that in no way takes away from the overall awesomeness of imagining a Supreme Court justice being demoted as a form of spanking.)