A Few Discrepancies During Trial

Dear Judge Amanda Andrews,

I accept that I have been found guilty of insider trading. Nonetheless I ‘d like to take this time to clarify a few moments during the trial that I feel put me in a somewhat negative light.

Re: jury selection:

• Every jury carries bias into the courtroom. I consider it generous, not “suspect” or “alarming”, to frequently gift substantial, unmarked amounts of cash to CFOs at large, publicly-traded companies.
• I regret referring to the jury as “unfit to be considered my peers” when they announced the guilty verdict. I should not have raised my voice. I will, of course, take care of any medical expenses that arose when I lunged for your gavel and threw it at the foreman’s face.
• One final note: if the jury pool had been selected from the members of the Equinox gym located at 14 Gold Street, as requested, they might have come to very different conclusions.

Re: evidence:

• Your finding of Peter Jeffries’s testimony as credible was surprising, given that at the last corporate retreat while everyone else found a partner for the trust fall, Jeffries needed to partner with the instructor.
• When my emails stated “the invisible hand has all of our balls in a [tight] vice,” I was merely referring to my predilections for sexual foreplay, not any sort of discomfort with government oversight.

Re: further charges:

• While it is true that I snuck an iPhone into my cell and used it to trade equity options, I also used it to wish my mother a “Happy Mother’s Day.”
• I would also like to clarify that the stacks of $100 bills passed to the prosecutor through the hollowed out bible I used to swear in were not intended to be a bribe.
• I would not like to clarify what the stacks of $100 bills were intended to be.
• Though I continue to maintain my innocence, I must point out the generally victimless nature of insider trading. Was it unlucky that Gertrude Myrtle bought my shares in Walco shortly before Walco declared an unprecedented bankruptcy? Yes. But Mrs. Myrtle was a 6^th grade Home Economics teacher. She knew the risks of investing her pension.

Re: general notes:

• As we move further into the sentencing phase, I would also like to remind you of my great community involvement, including:
  • Founding the “Yachts for Youngsters” program in which we take underprivileged youth on a sail around Manhattan;
  • Establishing a bespoke tailoring vocational training program at P.S. 165;
  • Rarely littering.
• I would like to request that my cellmate also be a white-collar criminal. Or at the very least a subscriber to both the Wall Street Journal and the Financial Times.
• Finally, we seem to have started off the trial on the wrong foot. When you entered the courtroom carrying coffee, I should not have assumed you were a barista sent from my firm. Apologies.
• I would like to note, however, that I think we both agree five dollars is quite a generous tip on coffee.

I believe the above clarifies any questions you might have. Should you need further explanation, I refer you to my attorney at Sutton & Frankwell. Also, I believe you also applied to Sutton while a 3L at Columbia? I would be happy to put in a good word for you, should you ever desire to re-apply.

Cordially yours,

James Wilkstrawn

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M.G. Aaron is a current 3L at a T9 law school. Originally coming to law school to save the world through public interest, the work-life balance of Biglaw persuaded M.G. to use the finely-crafted skills from three dedicated years of study to pursue the nobler cause of helping corporations (the other people). Feel free to email M.G. at: [email protected].