Biglaw, Pets, Real Estate

Latham Partner And 'Dog Racism': Or, The Dumbest Thing You'll Hear Today

When a Biglaw partner's pit bull gets an eviction notice, it's time to make some false equivalencies!

By  
on

Michelle Kelban-Carteron serves as the co-chair of Latham & Watkins’ real estate practice, and yet is somehow involved in a real estate dispute with her own condo board. At issue is Luna, the five-year-old pit bull mix that Kelban-Carteron and her husband Gino, a lawyer for realtor Douglas Elliman, keep in their Manhattan condo.

It’s unclear to me why buildings let pit bulls live in apartments. It has nothing to do with whether or not pit bulls are aggressive or victims of bad press, they’re just big animals and frankly deserve more space than Manhattan is going to provide. The only dogs that could properly live in New York are those little rat dogs that humans have cruelly bred for generations to fit in a socialite’s purse. And those genetic mistakes shouldn’t be allowed because their incessant yapping is just the mournful cry, “Please kill me… I shouldn’t be.” Dogs should be big and live in wide open spaces.[1]

Now, here’s the thing, Luna has lived in the building since the couple first moved in, and so they’re fighting the building’s attempt to kick Luna out. And yet, according to the board’s attorney, Herbert Cohen of Stiefel Cohen & Foote, the contract they signed at the time gave the board permission to evict any pit bull. Apparently even veteran real estate lawyers don’t read the fine print on those things. Seriously, if you have pets, isn’t the first question in any real estate transaction “do you allow pets?” People ask that before they ask about utilities. So how does anybody — let alone an attorney — get into an apartment with a clause allowing the building to kick out the precise breed of dog you own?

But Kelban-Carteron’s attorney, real estate attorney Adam Leitman Bailey (whose brother runs a dog training business — I’m sensing an expert witness…), has a term for this situation:

“I call this dog racism,” Bailey said. “Because of [the dog’s] breed, they’re going after it.”

Oh no, no, no, no. No. There’s so much wrong with this. There is such a thing as “dog racism,” and it’s when you see dogs that hate black people. That’s it.

Let’s start with the dearth of Supreme Court precedent on the prohibition against redlining dog breeds. If breed discrimination is really the basis of this argument, well, that dog won’t hunt. But there may be another case in the offing. According to Am Law Daily, there are allegations that Luna recently attacked a Havanese mix — see above, “rat dog” — beginning the fight over Luna’s continued stay at Whiteacre or whatever they call this condo:

Sponsored

Shortly after this incident, Kelban-Carteron secured certification deeming Luna a service dog for her husband. A doctor’s note claims the dog provides emotional support following a cycling injury. Bailey confirmed that Carteron sued the federal government in January after allegedly being hit by a postal service truck while riding in Manhattan. (Edward Steinberg of New York’s Leav & Steinberg, who is advising Carteron in that matter, did not immediately return a request for comment about the case.)

Getting service dogs in New York is like getting medical marijuana in California for the last decade. I know people who got service-dog licenses solely so they can take their dog into bars to pick up women. If you have a headache, some doctor will authorize you to bring a walking health code violation anywhere these days. But — without assuming this designation has any connection to the alleged attack — this certainly seems like a clever way of making this whole affair a disability issue. There might be a claim there, I suppose.

Look laws that target specific breeds are horrible, usually vague, and can result in the deaths of tons of innocent animals. But just as a moral matter, don’t bring racism into a discussion about f**king dog breeds. And especially don’t bring it into a discussion about what dog breeds affluent, white New Yorkers get to keep in their million-dollar plus Chelsea apartments. It’s all lives matter on steroids.

“I’m confident that the New York City Human Rights Commission will take this case and prosecute,” Bailey said.

Oh God, I hope not.

Sponsored

Latham Partner’s Lawyer Cites ‘Dog Racism’ in Condo Dispute [Am Law Daily]

Earlier: Doggy Due Process: How Did We Get to Montreal?

[1] The best part is that I’ll get more angry emails from this statement than from any post I’ve ever written making fun of law schools, criticizing the government, or even defending millennials. Consider that and then cry for the Republic.

HeadshotJoe Patrice is an editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news.

Topics

, , , , , , , ,