Labor / Employment, On The Job

Sexual Harassment: Can Men And Women Be Friends (At Work)?

And if you're friends, can you give each other compliments?

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Last week’s post was just the tip of the iceberg: I set out a dialogue in the form of my (female) partner’s commentary on my earlier ATL article which provided 9 tips on how not to be a workplace sexual harasser.  Today it’s Part II.

Lest you think she wades into this unqualified, Amy Epstein Gluck (a/k/a The Notorious “AEG”) practices employment law, is a commercial litigator in our D.C. office, and co-authors my firm’s employment discrimination blog (along with me).  She’s a heavy hitter in things employment.

In my original “9 Tips,” I wrote:

RBC: “From farm to Valley, from medical school to morgue, and from diner to library, ‘particularly vulnerable’ employees are subjected to sexual harassment — ‘particularly vulnerable’ when those in ‘a position of power’ are able to ‘leverage’ that position to exploit them. …”

AEG responded: “Yes, we see the scourge of sexual harassment allegations in Silicon Valley, where women-founded companies seek investments from male investors who subject them to sexually harassing behavior.”

Who has the power here? The person with the money to invest!

That’s also what you see in my FisherBroyles blog posts in the “Hostess with the Mostest,” the waitress at Olive Garden, and the assistant manager at Fuddruckers. When explaining the Olive Garden case, I wrote: “Maybe you [the reader, not you, Rich] are desensitized by these types of claims, but consider this—imagine if a person with power and authority over the livelihood of your mother/daughter/sister/ wife (any loved woman in your life) subjected her to this behavior?”

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Consider how you (as a man) would feel if someone talked to your female loved one like that.

Perpetrators are often powerful men in their companies or industries, supervisors (over women because, as the 2017 McKinsey/LeanIn study notes, female representation decreases with every step up a corporate food chain), and those in the public eye, those who “who influence our culture,” who contribute to the current epidemic. And it is an epidemic. Sexual harassment is occurring in every industry in every city in America.

RBC:  So the tips in this post on how not to be a harasser at work are therefore primarily addressed to men — all men in the workplace. These tips are decidedly not cute or tongue in cheek, but straight up rules to follow, assuming that you can say, in good faith, that you do not want to be considered a sexual harasser.

AEG: Actually, I would say to take these tips with a grain of salt. We are not saying that every man’s default mentality includes a nefarious intent toward his female co-workers. I’d say consider these tips when you consider your own behavior and conduct. Think about your previous conduct and do better.  Now that you know better.

I’d also say consider innate sexism, if you were raised this way or it’s part of your family culture, and work on it. The whole “I grew up in the 60s/70s…” No. That doesn’t fly.

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“Once you know better, do better.”

RBC (Tip 1): The workplace is not your frat house — and even then, especially then, this stuff is no longer tolerated. Leave your frat behavior behind and don’t repeat it. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

AEG: I appreciate this point, but (a) it’s too general (about frats); and (b) by saying “it’s no longer tolerated,” it sounds almost like you are dismissing misogyny or racism as mere political correctness. I’d qualify this tip and state, “Leave any unsavory frat behavior behind.” Period.

RBC (Tip 2): Don’t treat co-workers as friends, confidants, or potential dates. They are there to do a job — to make a career — to support a family. Being friendly and supportive is one thing — and a good thing; but being “a friend” is a slippery slope that can land you into trouble. …

AEG: It is a slippery slope to advise “don’t be friends.” After all, we are friends. You and (our NY partner) Christina are friends. I’m friends with (partners) Ken, Paul, and Jack. We have amazing people at FisherBroyles who are our friends! People make friends at work. And they should.

“We don’t want to treat women like live hand grenades either.”

I would rephrase your tip to say, “Don’t treat your workplace like a bar or potential dating pool or potential dates. Co-workers are there to do a job, build a career, and support a family.” Otherwise, this tip is likely to have unintended consequences.

Consider that if men and women shouldn’t be friends at work this may result in only men talking after work or working on late night cases together — excluding women. Consider teamwork as well, which is critical on many types of cases. There is so much research about high-performing co-ed teams and working with people who you feel have your back. You want to promote not squelch that.

Indeed, and this can’t be understated, saying “don’t be friends” would likely lead to male-dominated workplaces and cliques — especially where men are the arbiters of a woman’s promotion or partnership potential.

Moreover, you don’t want to unintentionally put the kibosh on mentoring. My mentor was a man. We worked alone together all the time, yet I never felt uncomfortable or as if he crossed a line. Our D.C. partner Paul was another kind of mentor — he pushed me to network, connected me with opportunities, and believed in me when I struggled with self-confidence myself.

Bottom line: I don’t think you want to tell men not to be friends with women. It could have unintended and unfortunate consequences.

“Don’t give compliments about a woman’s appearance.”

RBC (Tip 4): I wrote here before about giving compliments at work: “A compliment is not a simple thing; think about what a compliment may be seen as or used for in the workplace, which is typically male-dominated. It may be meant as an innocent remark, or it may reflect the power differential between two people. Not so simple. …” So: Don’t do it. The stakes are too high!

AEG: I think the issue with compliments is more like saying “I like your top” when a woman is displaying even a hint of cleavage. Or saying, “Wow, you look good” or something similar while looking a woman up and down or at a specific body part so that it’s obvious you’re checking out her body.

Also, though there’s nothing wrong with looking a woman in the eye and saying she looks nice, I think what you may have meant to say is don’t give compliments or comment about a woman’s appearance. Especially if you wouldn’t say the same — in words or by non-verbal cues — to a male colleague.

After all, you compliment me all the time — great post, good work, excellent piece, etc., and that’s not sexual harassment. Consider qualifying your no compliments rule and perhaps put it like this: Men should check themselves before they speak or act around women, perhaps asking themselves, “How would I feel if my wife’s male colleague spoke or acted this way to her?”

They should consider how it might sound to a woman.

Part III is coming next week…

richard-b-cohenRichard B. Cohen has litigated and arbitrated complex business and employment disputes for almost 40 years, and is a partner in the NYC office of the national “cloud” law firm FisherBroyles. He is the creator and author of his firm’s Employment Discrimination blog, and received an award from the American Bar Association for his blog posts. You can reach him at Richard.Cohen@fisherbroyles.com and follow him on Twitter at @richard09535496.

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