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Some things are just a given fact: the sun will rise in the east, Alabama will win at least 3 more national championships under Nick Saban, John McCain will, in fact, die, and Michael Cohen is an idiot. If you need additional proof of the last, can I please point you to a cease and desist letter Donald Trump’s lawyer sent to the satirical website, The Onion.
The letter was sent way back in 2013, but the editorial staff at The Onion just unearthed it. It was in response to an article under the byline of Donald Trump titled, “When You’re Feeling Low, Just Remember I’ll Be Dead In About 15 Or 20 Years,” and, oh my word it is glorious.
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He begins by “stating the obvious” that the “commentary was not written by Mr. Trump.” It’s like the entire point of The Onion is completely lost on Cohen.
He then says, “Secondly, the article is an absolutely disgusting piece that lacks any place in journalism, even in your Onion.” Hahaha… “your Onion.” That’s the best, it’s like he knows “your Onion” is something the kids care about but still the actual point eludes him. Because… the Onion isn’t trying to break some important news ground here, they’re in the satire business. Does Cohen know that Tina Fey and Sarah Palin are different people? Is it satire in general that perplexes him, or just The Onion? The world may never know.
Cohen ends the letter with an entirely empty threat:
I further ask that you contact immediately to discuss.
The commentary goes way beyond defamation and, if not immediately removed, I will take all actions necessary to ensure your actions do not go without consequence. Guide yourself accordingly.
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And how do we know it was an empty threat? Because The Onion didn’t do anything about it for 5 years (well after the statute of limitations has passed), and no lawsuit materialized.
Now, you might be thinking — is the cease and desist letter the actual satire The Onion is trying to pull? That’s certainly a fair point (and one Michael Cohen is trying to hide behind now that he’s googled The Onion), but alas, real journalism has prevailed, and it is confirmed — the c&d is the real deal, sent by Cohen in 2013.
Read the full c&d letter below.
In the spirit of transparency, here is Mr. Cohen’s letter, printed in full: https://t.co/uPnzZYUtyZ pic.twitter.com/HWAhxudr2d
— The Onion (@TheOnion) May 21, 2018
Kathryn Rubino is an editor at Above the Law. AtL tipsters are the best, so please connect with her. Feel free to email her with any tips, questions, or comments and follow her on Twitter (@Kathryn1).