A Match Made In Hell

If you come across a frustrating opposing counsel, don’t sign them up at dating websites.

Ed. note: Please welcome Sean Carter to our pages. Sean will be serving as Above the Law’s legal ethicist.

Today’s ethics quiz: You are a divorce attorney and often find yourself facing off against the same attorney.  While your interactions are always cordial and civil, you feel that her approach to divorce cases is too aggressive, in that she always seeks maximum benefit for her clients, even if that means drawing out the proceedings.  On the other hand, your approach to these matters is to move the parties through the process as quickly as possible in an effort to minimize the pain and suffering for all involved.  As this is neither the first (nor likely last) case that you will be trying against one another, you decide to address your differences with opposing counsel by:

(a)        Writing a firmly worded letter expressing your displeasure with her deleterious “go for the jugular” approach to family law;

(b)        Inviting opposing counsel to lunch in an effort to work out your strategic differences amicably;

(c)         Creating false profiles for opposing counsel on Match.com, the Obesity Action Coalition, Pig International, and other websites and posting false negative client reviews of her on Lawyers.com and Martindale Hubbell.

If you answered (c), then you might be the Illinois lawyer who is possibly facing a six-month suspension from the practice of law for this most uncivil act of disobedience.  Frustrated by opposing counsel for the reasons stated above, Drew Randolph Quitschau decided to take matters into his own fingertips by creating a false Match.com profile on behalf of Michelle Mosby-Scott.  In doing so, Quitschau uploaded a picture of Mosby-Scott from her professional website and included the following in her profile: she was separated from her husband; her children sometimes live with her; she smokes but is trying to quit; she regularly drinks alcohol; she is an agnostic; she is 56 years of age; she does not exercise; she has cats; and her favorite hot spots are the grocery store, all restaurants, the Pizza Ranch, and all buffets.

However, Quitschau did not supply Match.com with Mosby-Scott’s actual e-mail address, so she did not receive any notification from the site about her profile.  She only learned of it when a client saw her profile online.  Concerned about her reputation with friends, neighbors, and clients, Mosby-Scott immediately filed an action against Match.com to get it to release the IP address from which the posting originated.  She then traced that IP address back to Quitschau’s firm and contacted the managing partner to inform him of the false Match.com posting.  When asked if he had posted the profile, Quitschau originally denied any involvement in submitting the profile to Match.com.  However, after a forensic review revealed that the posting came from Quitschau’s computer and that Quitschau was in the office at that time, he “broke down and cried and admitted it.”

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The firm expelled Quitschau and reported its findings to an understandably “very emotional” Mosby-Scott, who, in turn, obtained a No Contact Order against Quitschau and made plans to sue.  However, in an effort to discover (and remove) all of the false information posted about her on the internet, she ultimately agreed to settle her claims against Quitschau.  In the settlement, Quitschau agreed to pay Mosby-Scott $100,000 and provide her with a list of other sites at which he had registered Mosby-Scott without her knowledge or consent.

One such site was the Obesity Action Network, a non-profit organization dedicated to helping individuals affected by obesity to improve their health through education, advocacy and support.  In doing so, Quitschau supplied Mosby-Scott’s email and mailing addresses, so that she began receiving “voluminous” and “overwhelming” emails, magazines for the obese, and even a lap-band kit was mailed to her law office.

Another site was the Pig International, a global nutrition and health publication for pork production.  As a result of her registration with this site, Mosby-Scott received daily emails about pork production.  Quitschau also subscribed her to the magazine Diabetic Living, a monthly magazine devoted to helping individuals with diabetes to live fuller, healthier lives.

Quitschau also had completed an online registration for Mosby-Scott with the site AutoTrader.com, indicating her interest in purchasing a new vehicle before Christmas.  In hindsight, this explained the deluge of calls and emails (20-30) she had received during December from local car dealers.

Finally, Quitschau admitted to creating false anonymous reviews of Mosby-Scott on Lawyers.com and Martindale.com, in which he gave her a 1 out of 5 rating.  Quitschau even went so far as to create a fake Facebook account under the name of “John Kollengrade” and under that factitious identity, he left a negative review on her law firm’s Facebook page.

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And for all of his trouble, Quitschau was charged with seven counts of violating Rule 8.4(c) of the Illinois Rules of Professional Conduct, which provides that a lawyer shall not “engage in conduct involving fraud, dishonesty, deceit, or misrepresentation.”  The Illinois Hearing Board believes that posting false profiles, false client reviews, subscribing opposing counsel to magazines and newsletters, and lying about this activity to his employer constitutes engaging in such conduct and has recommended six months of driving Uber for Quitschau to help him learn the error of his ways.

So, to recap, if you come across a frustrating opposing counsel (as if there are any other kind), do not ask WWAKD (What Would Ashton Kutcher Do?).  And certainly, don’t sign them up at Match.com, Tinder, Grindr, or AshleyMadison.com (at least, until the latter gets better security from hackers).  Also, do not sign them up to receive obesity magazines, free lap-bands, or helpful tips on pig feeding (even as much as the latter would come in handy for the lawyer raising teenagers).  And finally, do not post false client reviews, even if you honestly believe that they are the worst lawyer not involved in the original O.J. prosecution.  Unless, of course, you’ve always wanted to lose your job, fork over $100,000, drive complete strangers to the airport in your car, and/or marry (and divorce) Demi Moore.  In that case, do you, Ashton!


Sean Carter is a legal humorist and the founder of Mesa CLE, a company devoted to solid legal continuing education with a healthy dose of laughter.  Each year, he presents more than 100 CLE programs for law firms and bar associations.  When not crisscrossing the country telling jokes to lawyers, he lives in Mesa, Arizona, with his wife and four sons.