Crime

'Tom Arnold Is Teaming Up With Michael Cohen To Search For Trump Tapes' -- Is Not An Onion Headline

Tom Arnold deploying himself to bring down Trump is peak-2018.

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Sure, let’s put the fate of our republic in this guy’s hands. (photo credit: Getty)

We finally have an answer to the age old question: “Who does Number 2 work for?” The answer is Tom Arnold! Michael Cohen is working with Tom Arnold, and they’re going to show that turd who’s boss.

Look, my brain is just not evolved enough to fully grasp this story. In May, VICE announced that Tom Arnold, the comedian, was heading a new show called: “The Hunt for the Trump Tapes.” Purportedly Arnold and VICE are looking for tapes that confirm that Trump colluded with Russians in order to influence an American election.

Now, Michael Cohen — Trump’s former personal lawyer who is now under investigation for more crimes than Thanos — has tweeted out of photo of him standing with Tom Arnold. Today, Tom Arnold went on NBC and said that he and Cohen were “on the same side.”

NBC has more details:

Arnold would not say whether Cohen was planning to give him any tapes he might have of conversations with Trump.

But he added, “This dude has all the tapes — this dude has everything.”

“I say to Michael, ‘Guess what? We’re taking Trump down together, and he’s so tired he’s like, ‘OK,’ and his wife is like, ‘OK, f*** Trump,'” Arnold said, laughing.

Later Friday, Arnold tweeted the photo again, seeking to emphasize that it was himself and not Cohen who suggested the takedown.

“Michael has enough Trump on his plate,” Arnold said. “I’m the crazy person who said Me & Michael Cohen were teaming up to take down Trump of course. I meant it.”

Parody is dead. Satire is dead. You know what, we’re probably dead. One of these asteroids that nearly misses the Earth from time-to-time actually hit it in 2016 and we’ve all been dead since then but just don’t know it. On real Earth, the dust has finally settled and the cephalopods are taking their first steps on land towards becoming the dominant species on the planet.

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How else can you explain a timeline where Tom Arnold is one of the wokest white men on the planet? Arnold spoke out against Rosanne, his ex-wife, and seems to be taking this Trump tapes thing seriously enough that he’s buddying up with the man who purportedly has them.

We have to treat this story as legit, because Michael Cohen has been making all kinds of spurned lover noises. Cohen recently “resigned” from the Republican National Committee. In his letter, he added this line.

“As the son of a Polish holocaust survivor, the images and sounds of this family separation policy is heart wrenching,” Cohen wrote. “While I strongly support measures that will secure our porous borders, children should never be used as bargaining chips.”

DaFuq? Vox explains why the whole exercise seems designed to put the fear of God into team Trump.

Personally, I think Cohen is doing the soon-to-be-under-indictment version of a child threatening to run away. He’s telling Trump he’s totally, super seriously going to go live at Tom’s house, but all he really wants is for Daddy-Trump to buy him a Nintendo Switch. You know, one that has the “Pardon” app factory installed.

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But, I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore. In the series finale we’re going to learn that Trump was the smoke-monster all along.

Tom Arnold tweets picture with Michael Cohen, says he ‘has all the tapes’ [NBC]

Elie Mystal is the Executive Editor of Above the Law and the Legal Editor for More Perfect. He can be reached @ElieNYC on Twitter, or at elie@abovethelaw.com. He will resist.

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