I am very lucky. I have a budget for travel. I know that many faculty members throughout the country do not have such an amenity. So I don’t want to seem ungrateful. And I love my University. Really.
However, there are times I think that my University would prefer I not travel or give talks. I say this because this is how my reimbursement goes every damn time I travel. Keep in mind I’m exaggerating a tiny bit: This isn’t a conversation in real life. In real life, this is an email exchange that can sometimes take months.
Me: Here are my receipts.
University: For what? Also, send us the conference brochure. We aren’t taking your word that you were actually at a conference.
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Me: Here it is.
University: I need the URL for the brochure to verify you didn’t just type this up.
Me: Here. Let’s start with my food receipts.
University: We can’t reimburse alcohol.
Me: I know. But there is food on there.
University: You need a separate itemized receipt. Alcohol must be separate.
Me: There were 12 of us at dinner. You want the server to get 24 separate checks?
University: Yes. Maybe go with fewer people and not drink?
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Me: Why don’t we just do per diem?
University: Yeah, we stopped doing that.
Me: Why wasn’t I informed?
University: It was retroactive. Probably happened while you were mid-air.
Me: Fine. Here’s my airfare.
University: You didn’t fly to your program’s destination. It is Washington, D.C. You flew into Baltimore.
Me: I flew to Baltimore because it was cheaper.
University: Fine. I’ll let you win this one. If you prove it was cheaper. Also we need your boarding pass.
Me: I use the app. I don’t print out the boarding pass.
University: How would we know if you really took the flight? Just ask for a printed boarding pass AND use the app. Or take a screen shot, which we’ll likely say you faked.
Me: I can’t get a boarding pass retroactively. I did check in baggage. Would the baggage receipt count?
University: That just proves your bags traveled, not you.
Me: Sigh. Okay. Here’s my hotel bill.
University: You stayed an extra night after the conference.
Me: The conference ended Saturday. I left Sunday.
University: Yeah, we stopped letting you do that. You need to leave at a reasonable time the same day the conference ends if the schedule of the conference permits. The conference ended at noon. You could have taken the 5 p.m. flight.
Me: It was full.
University: You need to show me the seating chart for that flight showing that it was full.
Me: That’s impossible ex post.
University: Sorry, not sorry.
Me: Also, here’s my taxi receipts and Uber receipts.
University: Please list your destinations. Hotel and airport are fine, but really going to a restaurant doesn’t serve a University purpose.
Me: But it was cheaper than the hotel’s…..
University: I don’t care. And you drank! Shame on you.
Me: You know, the Provost and President have parties with alcohol….
University: Did you raise any money for us, snowflake?
**WHAT SEEMS LIKE YEARS LATER**
Me: Am I approved for reimbursement yet?
University: No. You filled out one small box wrong. I had to reject your reimbursement request.
Me: Why didn’t you inform me of that so I could fix it?
University: It’s not up to me to track your money. You need to log into our impossible system and do that for yourself.
Me: What did I do wrong?
University: You didn’t enter your correct [inaudible] code.
Me: You did that!
University: Sorry. I don’t remember that. Do it right this time.
Me: Resubmitted. Okay now?
University: Yes.
Me: When do I get my check?
University: Things are looking good! Should be only 3-4 months before you get your check for $0.34 for your $1,000 trip!
**** Later that month, I go another school that reimburses me for a speech****
Me: Here are my receipts.
Other University: Okay. It’ll be direct deposited in a few weeks.
LawProfBlawg is an anonymous professor at a top 100 law school. You can see more of his musings here. He is way funnier on social media, he claims. Please follow him on Twitter (@lawprofblawg) or Facebook. Email him at [email protected].