Law Schools

Every Travel Reimbursement Issue I Have Ever Had

Woe unto those whose schools handle travel reimbursements like this.

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I am very lucky.  I have a budget for travel.  I know that many faculty members throughout the country do not have such an amenity.  So I don’t want to seem ungrateful.  And I love my University.  Really.

However, there are times I think that my University would prefer I not travel or give talks.  I say this because this is how my reimbursement goes every damn time I travel.  Keep in mind I’m exaggerating a tiny bit:  This isn’t a conversation in real life.  In real life, this is an email exchange that can sometimes take months.

Me: Here are my receipts.
University: For what?  Also, send us the conference brochure.  We aren’t taking your word that you were actually at a conference.

Me: Here it is.
University: I need the URL for the brochure to verify you didn’t just type this up.

Me: Here.  Let’s start with my food receipts.
University:  We can’t reimburse alcohol.

Me: I know.  But there is food on there.
University:  You need a separate itemized receipt.  Alcohol must be separate.

Me: There were 12 of us at dinner.  You want the server to get 24 separate checks?
University: Yes.  Maybe go with fewer people and not drink?

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Me: Why don’t we just do per diem?
University: Yeah, we stopped doing that.

Me: Why wasn’t I informed?
University: It was retroactive.  Probably happened while you were mid-air.

Me: Fine.  Here’s my airfare.
University: You didn’t fly to your program’s destination.  It is Washington, D.C.  You flew into Baltimore.

Me: I flew to Baltimore because it was cheaper.
University: Fine. I’ll let you win this one.  If you prove it was cheaper.   Also we need your boarding pass.

Me: I use the app.  I don’t print out the boarding pass.
University: How would we know if you really took the flight?  Just ask for a printed boarding pass AND use the app.  Or take a screen shot, which we’ll likely say you faked.

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Me: I can’t get a boarding pass retroactively.  I did check in baggage. Would the baggage receipt count?
University:  That just proves your bags traveled, not you.

Me: Sigh.  Okay.  Here’s my hotel bill.
University: You stayed an extra night after the conference.

Me: The conference ended Saturday.  I left Sunday.
University: Yeah, we stopped letting you do that.  You need to leave at a reasonable time the same day the conference ends if the schedule of the conference permits.  The conference ended at noon.  You could have taken the 5 p.m. flight.

Me: It was full.
University: You need to show me the seating chart for that flight showing that it was full.

Me: That’s impossible ex post.
University: Sorry, not sorry.

Me: Also, here’s my taxi receipts and Uber receipts.
University: Please list your destinations.  Hotel and airport are fine, but really going to a restaurant doesn’t serve a University purpose.

Me: But it was cheaper than the hotel’s…..
University: I don’t care. And you drank!  Shame on you.

Me: You know, the Provost and President have parties with alcohol….
University:  Did you raise any money for us, snowflake?

**WHAT SEEMS LIKE YEARS LATER**

Me: Am I approved for reimbursement yet?
University: No.  You filled out one small box wrong.  I had to reject your reimbursement request.

Me: Why didn’t you inform me of that so I could fix it?
University: It’s not up to me to track your money.  You need to log into our impossible system and do that for yourself.

Me: What did I do wrong?
University: You didn’t enter your correct [inaudible] code.

Me: You did that!
University: Sorry.  I don’t remember that. Do it right this time.

Me: Resubmitted.  Okay now?
University:  Yes.

Me: When do I get my check?
University: Things are looking good!  Should be only 3-4 months before you get your check for $0.34 for your $1,000 trip!

**** Later that month, I go another school that reimburses me for a speech****

Me: Here are my receipts.
Other University:  Okay.  It’ll be direct deposited in a few weeks.

LawProfBlawg is an anonymous professor at a top 100 law school. You can see more of his musings here.  He is way funnier on social media, he claims.  Please follow him on Twitter (@lawprofblawg) or Facebook. Email him at lawprofblawg@gmail.com.

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