White Family Calls The Cops On Whales... In The Ocean

Here's the dumbest thing you'll see this month

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Former NBA player Gilbert Arenas has my favorite all-time didactic about sharks.

There are these things called shark attacks, but there is no such thing as a shark attack. I have never seen a real shark attack. I know you’re making a weird face as you’re reading this. OK people, a shark attack is not what we see on TV and what people portray it as.
We’re humans. We live on land.

Sharks live in water.

So if you’re swimming in the water and a shark bites you, that’s called trespassing. That is called trespassing. That is not a shark attack. A shark attack is if you’re chilling at home, sitting on your couch, and a shark comes in and bites you; now that’s a shark attack. Now, if you’re chilling in the water, that is called invasion of space. So I have never heard of a shark attack.

When I see on the news where it’s like, “There have been 10 shark attacks,” I’m like, “Hey, for real?! They’re just running around? Sharks are walking now, huh! We live on the land, we don’t live underwater.”

No lies detected.

So before we get to the racism doppelganger that is beyond obvious in this video, it’s important to remember the greater crime against nature here. The people in this boat are trespassing. They are invading the whales’ space, at the moment they call the cops.

 

I feel sorry for the Dad. Like, I’m a Dad. I know the pain of trying to get your family to like something that’s amazing, only for them to not appreciate the moment. There’s something peak Dad about the Dad saying “OMG, you’ll never see this again in your lives,” and the children saying, “Let’s get out of here.” I bet that man got home and read Clark Griswold quotes all night.

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In any event, white people seem to have a really complicated relationship with whales. Like, really complicated. It starts in childhood, I think.

But they have a fairly straight-forward relationship with the cops. It would appear that most white people, most of the time, think that they cops are at their beck and call, to serve them and protect them or something. It’s very weird to me. Like, if you are in danger or even just mildly annoyed at somebody — whether it’s a whale in the ocean or a little girl selling water — that there is an entire force of men and women with guns who you can literally call and expect them to assist you get through your day. They think cops are like the Butterball Hotline, but for worries as opposed to turkey.

It’s weird because when non-whites are worried about our safety, we don’t call the police. We phone friends. Didn’t this white family have any friends?

“Hey Jerome, all these white people are marching around and stopping traffic. Have they finally decided to exterminate us?”
“Nah, brother. It’s St. Patrick’s Day. You’ll be cool. Just don’t respond to anybody who says ‘Kiss me I’m Irish.’ They be trying to trap you.”

“Yo. Sharonda. There are three white girls outside my door. You seen this s**t.”
“Yeah, they’re selling cookies. Don’t buy it from them, I’ve got a coupon for the same s**t down at the Publix.”

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“It’s hot out here. I’m going to get in the water, Gilbert.”
“I wouldn’t do that. Don’t come running to me if you get your leg bit off.”

Kidding aside: STOP CALLING THE GODDAMNED COPS ON THINGS THAT ARE JUST LIVING OUT THEIR LIVES, WHITE PEOPLE! You are not the masters of the entire goddamn universe. All that you survey is not yours to arrest. Live, and for the LOVE OF CHRIST, let live.

Elie Mystal is the Executive Editor of Above the Law and the Legal Editor for More Perfect. He can be reached @ElieNYC on Twitter, or at elie@abovethelaw.com. He will resist.

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