Explaining The Importance Of Saying 'Happy Holidays' To A Three-Year-Old

I tried to get my child to say 'Happy Holidays' and, while it didn't actually work, the struggle was worth it.

I recently had to explain to my three-year-old why he should say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas.” He didn’t really get it. He’s, you know, three.

But explaining concepts of cultural sensitivity to three-year-olds is not unlike explaining them to Republicans. This is my second go-round with a three-year-old living in my house, and I’ve learned that their conceptual grasp of people who are not exactly like them tracks with the average Republican’s underdeveloped ability to consider others before speaking.

The Republican president’s entire argumentative strategy is one of an enraged toddler, and it therefore stands to reason that some of the strategies you’d use to convince a three-year-old might also work on your Republican friends.

It is in that spirit that I offer the following condensed recap of the hour I spent getting my child ready for school a couple of weeks ago, and ready to live in a multicultural society.

3yo: “Daddy, it’s the last day of school before Christmas!”
Me: “Before the holidays.”
3yo: “Christmas is a holiday.”
Me: “Yes, but you should say ‘Happy Holidays’ at school, not ‘Merry Christmas.'”
[Note I’ve changed the fundamental premise of the boy’s statement. With children and Republicans it is important to find teachable moments, even before they are officially “wrong.”]
3yo: “I’m very excited for Christmas.”
Me: “Me too. But not everybody at your school celebrates Christmas.”
3yo: “Because they have BAD BOYS.”
Me: “No. No, that’s my fault.”
3yo: “You are a BAD BOY! [maniacal giggles]”
Me: “No. What I’m trying to say is that all families celebrate ‘Holidays,’ they don’t just all call it ‘Christmas’ so you should say ‘Holiday’ and not ‘Christmas.’”
3yo: “Why?”
Me: “Because you don’t want to assume to know what other people celebrate.”
3yo: “Why?”
Me: “Because what other people celebrate is just as valid as what you celebrate.”
3yo: “What does squalid mean?”
Me: “Valid.”
3yo: “Squalid.”
Me: “It means that what you think and what somebody else thinks are both true.”
3yo: “Why?”
Me: “Eat your cereal please, or else we’re going to be late.”
[Parenting protip: stuffing food in your child’s face gives you a moment to collect yourself and monologue.]
Me: “You see, people say ‘Merry Christmas’ to make other people feel happy. But sometimes it makes other people feel excluded. But if you say ‘Happy Holidays,’ everybody feels included and happy.”
3yo: [talking with mouth full] “What is extruded?”
Me: “Excluded. It’s when you leave somebody out for no reason.”
3yo: “I don’t like… for to be exmoveded for no reason!”
Me: “Exactly. And so we say ‘Happy Holidays’ so nobody feels excluded for no reason.”

[Later, in car]

3yo: “Daddy, I’m sad.”
Me: “Why?”
3yo: “I’m sad there’s no Christmas anymore.”
Me: “Jesus Christ, I’m raising Tucker Carlson back here.”
3yo: “That’s a bad word.”
Me: “Yes, sorry. Look. There is Christmas! We’re just calling it ‘Holidays,’ remember, so everybody gets to be included.”
3yo: “Does Santa Claus know that?”
Me: “YES! Of course. Santa Claus brings presents to all the good boys and girls, no matter WHAT they call their holiday. Santa will come to our house and all the other houses celebrating Holidays all over the world.”
3yo: “Is it because of the tree?”
Me: “What?”
3yo: “Santa will see our Christmas tree.”
Me: “I… guess. But we could also call it a ‘Holiday’ tree maybe. Uhh… But OH, remember our Menorah?”
3yo: “Yes.”
[We also have a Menorah in our house because… our kids are going to learn to put Jewish holidays on par with Christian holidays and that’s just the way it’s gonna be.]
Me: “Well, the Menorah is in our window, right? And the Menorah isn’t a “Christmas” decoration, right? But it is a “Holiday” decoration and that’s probably all Santa needs to see to know we are celebrating ‘Holidays.’”
3yo: “Oh.”
Me: “You get it!”
3yo: [blankly staring into my rearview mirror]
Me: “I’m glad we had this talk.”
3yo: “Do I have to wear pants ONLY because it’s cold?”

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[In front of school door]

Me: “So what are you going to say?”
3yo: “Happy Holiday Christmas.”
Me: “… We’re late.”

We can do this. Don’t let the toddlers or Republicans in your life exhaust you. “Happy Holidays” is a de minimis change in our lexicon, but it opens our minds up to the exciting world of inclusion in a pluralistic society. It’s worth the fight.

Happy Holidays.

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