Bill Barr, Rod Rosenstein, Some Guy's Beard, Utterly Debase Themselves During Presser I Won't Repeat

Let's not waste time repeating lies, and instead speculate about the souls of men.

Attorney General William Barr

Donald Trump’s attorney of generalizing, William Barr, gave a press conference today, in an attempt to characterize the Mueller report that he has only let Trump read.

I will not waste time repeating his lies and spin. A redacted version of the report will be released soon and I’ll read it and decide then what it says. The gift of literacy is a powerful tool, one that I will not cede to this collection of Trump sycophants.

But I did just want to ponder what makes a person utterly debase themselves in service of Donald Trump.

There’s got to be an alternate timeline, where Donald Trump is still President but realizes that having an Attorney General with credibility helps his case. There’s going to be room for interpretation in the actual Mueller report, and having “the people’s lawyer” be able to weigh in on that interpretation from the standpoint of a credible third party would actually be of use to an administration interested in winning the argument in the court of public opinion.

In our timeline, William Barr just decided to sacrifice any shred of credibility, impartiality, or basic lawyerly discretion, on live television. Barr used his time on television to merely repeat Trump talking points and give what Brian Williams called a “victim impact statement” on behalf of the President.

Why? Trump is more than capable of repeating his own talking points. How does he help Trump by making it obvious that he’s only trying to help Trump? Why are these people so TRAGICOMICALLY BAD at their freaking jobs. Like, it’s not even a “cover up” if you hold a press conference trying to explain why you are covering things up.

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Barr, for whatever reason, auditioned for this job. He accepted the risk of lighting himself on fire when he offered to light himself on fire.

But, what’s the deal with Rod Rosenstein? Why did he allow himself to be used as a prop in this farce? Does Trump have his family hostage at Mar-a-Lago? No? Then why the hell was he there? Rosenstein was silent the whole press conference. His body language and facial expressions made him look like he was being held there against his will, like there was a electric slave collar wrapped around his scrotum that would jolt him if he strayed more than five feet from Barr.

BUT THERE WAS NO SCROTUM COLLAR. Rosenstein was there of his own volition. Why? Why ALLOW yourself to be used as a silent prop for Donald Trump’s spin?

My interest in the human condition leads me to wonder why these men have enthralled themselves to Donald Trump. My interest in the Russian conspiracy to influence the American election, and my interest in Trump’s attempts to obstruct justice, that will have to wait until I read the actual report. Nothing Barr just said, or ever will say, will shed any light on that inquiry.


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Elie Mystal is the Executive Editor of Above the Law and a contributor at The Nation. He can be reached @ElieNYC on Twitter, or at elie@abovethelaw.com. He will resist.