Brett Kavanaugh's TIME Profile Is Designed To Make Me Vomit

It's so annoying when somebody trolls you and wins.

(Photo by MELINA MARA/AFP/Getty Images)

A while back, I was at a poker table and cleaning up. There was only one other player there worth a damn, and we just politely stayed away from each other and took money from others.

The other good player was a wearing a wife beater and a trucker hat and had a gap in his teeth. He was playing an “I’m just a redneck” game that I could spot a mile away. I was wearing my Mets cap, backwards like a d-bag, fronting an “I’m from New York and play against my roomies and bros” kind of vibe. Or so I thought. As the evening progressed the yokel sharp, who was already out of the hand, looked at me and said, “Well, at least you have Mariano, his split-finger is the best in baseball.” I folded my hand. I politely corrected him that Mariano Rivera played for the Yankees, and he threw a cut fastball, not a split-finger fastball. Remember, I’m supposed to be a “bro.”

It was a financially ruinous mistake. I had shown the sharp that I could be easily annoyed and distracted by wrong sports ass-talk. By folding and then responding, instead of ignoring or responding while playing, I showed that it actually affected my game. I didn’t know it immediately, but he had me. The rest of the night was just a barrage of stupid sports: “You know, I watched ‘The Fumble’ live, I can’t believe Elway dropped the ball.” ERNEST BYNER FUMBLED THE BALL, ELWAY WON THE GAME! I spectacularly lost all of my money. I didn’t even really know what had happened to me, until I was leaving the table and the sharp said, “Let’s go Mets.”

It is incredibly annoying when a troll trolls you, and wins because you can’t stop yourself from having the reaction he was trying to provoke. The same feeling I had leaving that poker table is the feeling I had today, when I opened up Twitter and learned that TIME magazine had named Brett Kavanaugh one of its 100 most influential people… along with Dr. Christine Blasey Ford.

TIME. IS. TROLLING. US. It knows that nobody under 60 actually gives a crap about TIME and who they think the 100 most influential people are. It knows that it is peak “both siderism” to have a list that includes Ford and Kavanaugh in this context. It knows that the only way people are going to write about TIME is when it does crap like this, and just sits back and lets people’s outrage drive clicks.

I wasn’t going to play, I wasn’t going to tweet about it, much less write about it. But I couldn’t help myself from reading TIME’s write-up of Kavanaugh… which was penned by none other than Mitch McConnell:

Sponsored

When Brett Kavanaugh was named the President’s choice to succeed Justice Anthony Kennedy, he was one of the most qualified Supreme Court nominees in modern history. He had a sterling academic record, impeccable legal credentials and a prolific record of thoughtful and impartial jurisprudence over more than a decade on the D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals.

But when unhinged partisanship and special interests sought to distract the Senate from considering those qualifications, we saw other facets of Justice Kavanaugh’s character shine forth as well. The country saw his resilience and commitment to public service. We saw his loyal devotion to family and friends. We saw his undeterred reverence for the law, for precedents and for our nation’s highest traditions.

It is all these qualities combined that make Justice Kavanaugh exactly the kind of jurist whom the American people deserve on our Supreme Court. I look forward to many years of brilliant, distinguished public service.

McConnell, a Republican, is a Senator from Kentucky and serves as Senate majority leader

ARRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHH! F^(% YOU. F^(%ITY F^(% YOU INTO THE F^(%ING SUN! Eighty-three ethics complaints. PERJURY. And an alleged attempted rapist is not “the kind of jurist whom the American people deserve.” He’s not the kind of jurist sentient puddles of slime “deserve,” assuming the slime is just trying to ooze in peace and harmony.

TIME is only putting this out there to trigger people and it’s WORKING ON ME. I feel like a male Stark, letting my freaking sense of JUSTICE obscure the obvious trap that has been laid before me.

Kamala Harris wrote Christine Blasey Ford’s blurb and it’s nice and fine and I’m sure the rape apologist crowd feels as angry about that as I do about the Kavanaugh fluffing. It all works out for TIME. Everybody gets to be pissed at something and they don’t care because people are clicking. The house always wins.

Me, I’m just angry. And a fool for being angry. Which is just making me more angry. Well played, yokel TIME. Well freaking played.

Sponsored

Time honors Brett Kavanaugh on ‘Most Influential’ list — along with his accuser, Christine Blasey Ford [Linking to Yahoo because screw TIME]


Elie Mystal is the Executive Editor of Above the Law and a contributor at The Nation. He can be reached @ElieNYC on Twitter, or at elie@abovethelaw.com. He will resist.