Government

Marco Rubio's Very Jan Brady Voice: 'Marshall, Marshal, Marital'

Marco Rubio's not having a great time on Twitter.

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As the great George W. Bush put it: “Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.” Wise words.

Generally speaking, Americans make fun of politician foibles way too often. A 24-hour news cycle has made punchlines out of wholly competent government officials who let slip easily decipherable miscues or get caught up in all too prevalent Twitter thumb or autocorrect errors. These people aren’t necessarily dumb because they say “million” instead of “billion.” Cut them some slack. FDR had polio and no one talked about it — Joe Biden says any of the goofy shit he’s said for DECADES and it’s two days of talking heads wondering if he’s senile.

But as the above Bushism counsels, it’s one thing to screw up once, but you can’t get fooled again.

Senator Marco Rubio, who in one of the saddest commentaries on modern American politics was “the smart one” in 2016, took to Twitter yesterday to calm American nerves over the looming government lockdown:

Of course, “Marshall” is Eminem and Rubio’s mistake convinced the country that Mathers was dropping a new album. In fairness, Marshall Law would be a pretty good title.

A passing chuckle is acceptable since he managed to spell it wrong TWICE in the Tweet, suggesting it wasn’t a mistake but that the University of Miami Law grad honestly didn’t know what “martial” is. Still, we can give him the benefit of the doubt and just say he might have had an autocorrect problem or something.

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But then Rubio continues:

It feels like someone should have proofread the response. To paraphrase Waylon Smithers, I don’t think that’s the right word because they spell and pronounce it differently. The last time I heard stupid rumors about “Marital” law, Marco Rubio was talking about the dangers of same-sex marriage. God, this guy hates homophones almost as much as homosexuals.

As of this morning, Rubio apparently hasn’t realized he screwed up his second Tweet and hasn’t corrected it to “Marshal” or “Marigold” yet.

Has anyone considered just taking away his Twitter? At least Trump’s feed is entertaining in an unfiltered crank sort of way. Rubio’s is just a string of nonsense from a man-child trying to sound important and smart. Back on March 7, when this disease was already well on its way to requiring comprehensive federal leadership, Marco Rubio was preparing to go on recess and Tweeting about Daylight Saving Time.

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Despite the captions, Rubio referred to it as “Daylight Savings Time” proving once and for all that Jonah Ryan from the television show Veep is real and he’s exactly who we thought he was.

Dude, take a sip of water and sit this one out.

HeadshotJoe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news. Joe also serves as a Managing Director at RPN Executive Search.

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