Small Law Firms

Fact Pattern Similarities Between Lawyering And Parenting

How kids are like younger, tinier opposing counsels.

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Ed. note: This is the latest installment in a series of posts on motherhood in the legal profession, in partnership with our friends at MothersEsquire. Welcome Brandy Mai to our pages. Click here if you’d like to donate to MothersEsquire.

“You’re the parent. You make the rules.”

Hahaha. Yea, OK.

As mom to four teens/young adults, the past 20-ish years have been filled with navigating distinct personalities, sibling arguments, and surviving the logistics of a largish family. I added more chaos to my plate just a few years ago when I decided to attend law school (on top of parenting AND a career in crisis management).

What the h-e-double-hockey-sticks was I thinking?

Despite the intense fog of war that has enveloped me during the past few years of law school, COVID-19, mock trials, and externships, three things have become crystal clear:

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  1. Lawyering isn’t much different than parenting.
  2. Kids and opposing counsels have a LOT in common.
  3. There are never any days off.

I posed this thought to friends and other lawyer moms, and the stories and parallels did not disappoint. Thank you to everyone who answered my query. I have categorized and listed the responses below. Names have been removed to protect the tyrants, and those who’ve lawyered or parented them.

Case Law And Precedent

  • Precedent is EVERYTHING to a little kid. Allow something once, in any degree, for anyone remotely similarly situated, you better be ready to argue precedent and distinguishing facts FOreVEr.

Witnesses

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  • No doubt, my kiddos are hostile witnesses.
  • If you have multiple children, you have to be able to suss out which witnesses are credible and which ones are not!
  • Once they’re above 2 years old, tears are an admission of guilt — or an attempt at manipulating the court.

Litigation Team

  • Mine just turned four. I have more drama than every episode of Law & Order combined.
  • One kid yells “Objection!” at mom, and the sibling yells “Sustained!” before I even realize we’re litigating.

Cross-Examination And Evidence

  • I do some of my best cross practice on my kids.
  • Never ask a kid a question to which you already know the answer. They’ll blow smoke up your [butt] every time.
  • Talking with my 3-year-old is like being a witness … if I try to slip past an issue or mince words, she’ll say, “That’s not my question.” And she impeaches like a pro. Earlier this week she asked me if the number three was a little or a lot. I responded, “A little.” Twelve hours later, she asked me for another dog — which would be our third. When I responded that three dogs was way too many, she responded, “Well, at breakfast, you said three was only a little…”
  • My son picks apart my logic pretty easily sometimes, and makes me show evidence that it’s actually raining when I say he can’t go outside.
  • Somehow my 12-year-old frequently cites the rules of evidence. The lawyer in me is proud but the mother in me is sick of it.
  • My toddler isn’t potty trained yet. I asked if he had, um, soiled himself. I strongly suspected he had, but he denied it. But when I checked, and he had not, he declared, “Falsely accused!”

Opposing Counsel

  • Opposing counsels throw temper tantrums when they don’t get their way.
  • Kids and OCs ALWAYS move the goal posts.
  • After dealing with cranky toddlers for years, a rude opposing counsel is easier to deal with than he thinks, like, “Oh, you wanna be a brat? I got you!”
  • They never take no for an answer.
  • Sometimes you have to give in to some things for your own sanity.
  • Keep logic ahead of emotion because losing it helps no one. REALLY think through cause and effect to the end to avoid unexpected results.
  • They want to do everything on their schedule (toddler rules are opposing counsel rules).
  • If I tell my 10-year-old son “No” he asks me for at least three reasons why the answer is no. Then proceeds to argue each point. Such a lawyer kid.
  • Kids take things at face value (young kids very, very literally so). There’s no room for nuance and ambiguity. They follow instructions exactly. “But that’s not what I meant” has absolutely no meaning.
  • No matter how smart you think you are, they always find a way to challenge you.

This list makes clear that, despite the chaos of the past few years, my intuitions were correct about the similarities between the courtroom and the toy room. I wonder whether the mental gymnastics of lawyering would have been even harder if I hadn’t raised four kids first, especially four kids who are exactly like their mother. A member of the MothersEsquire group said it best: “The fruit of my womb is a mini me and questions authority — especially mine.”

Through all the comments and stories, one thing was for certain: we love our kiddos and our jobs.

Brandy Mai is a 3L at Mitchell Hamline School of Law, ABA rep for the MHSL SBA, and a member of the Student Veteran Organization. The legal profession will be Brandy’s second career, as she’s spent two decades working extensively in public information, crisis communications, and emergency management. Her experience includes work in military/veteran/government, corporate, nonprofit, emergency management, homeland security, and public safety sectors, including a position as lead public information officer for a state emergency management agency. Brandy’s certifications as an emergency manager and POST Instructor allow her to manage crisis and teach public safety professionals how to coordinate information effectively and accessibly during preparedness, response, recovery, and mitigation efforts. Brandy’s education includes military public affairs training at the Defense Information School, bachelors of journalism from Northwestern State University, graduate coursework in strategic communications from Purdue University. Her J.D. will supplement her work in crisis, disasters, and communications. Brandy’s professional successes include a statewide Top 40 Under 40 award in Georgia for her public relations work with veteran nonprofits, contributions on an Emmy Award-winning project, and placement of a previous employer on the Inc. 5000 “fastest growing company” list. Brandy is a mother of four and advocate for mental health, disabilities, veterans, and children.

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