A few years back, during my time as a DA, I was challenged by a judge on my ability to try a case, due to the plainly apparent, but definitely unrelated, fact that, at that time, I was pregnant. Even though it wasn’t uncommon, sexist, or inflammatory for him to ask about my pregnancy, the judge did not approach the issue with quite as much tact as one should, but maybe expecting simple manners and general social etiquette was too much for me to ask. Furthermore, though a lot of progress has been made, gender-specific issues are, unfortunately, still prevalent in the workplace. Derogatory comments and attitudes still permeate the corporate world, though it is being addressed. With the combined efforts of time, energy, and patience, it will indeed be eradicated. I am a staunch believer in aiding that cause.
In situations like the one I found myself in with that particular judge, a quote often (incorrectly) attributed to Shakespeare springs to mind:
“I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see that you are unarmed.”
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I often have that quote at the ready, and it was pretty tempting to blurt it outright to his face. The women’s advocate in me was revving the engines, getting ready for some serious action. Thankfully, for the sake of all involved, a slightly less emotional side of me took the wheel, easing off on the sass pedal. I pushed down the temptation to lob a verbal grenade because any form of reaction that elevated the situation would only serve to work against me. If I lost my cool, perhaps I’d even be providing substance to the judge’s allegation (weak though it may be). Carefully considering my situation and the potential outcome — depending on how I played my cards — I opted to manage the challenge in a more intellectual manner, with far less finger-wagging.
What I actually said to him was, “Your honor, as my stomach grows, my brain remains the same.” There was a long pause before I added, “I wish it were the other way around.”
I left that pregnant pause for two reasons:
- To make the silent pun I just made.
- To make him aware of what he said.
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In all my years in the corporate world, I have never felt the need to comfort or sugarcoat things with people who ask inappropriate questions or make unprofessional statements. While they can, by all means, determine their own choices, I like to remind them that they cannot determine the consequences of their actions. Thus, they must deal with these consequences, and, in doing so, they often recognize the initial error of their ways. The next step is that they would hopefully change.
Apparently, that judge couldn’t see past my pregnant belly, and, irksome though that was, I believe that offense is taken, not given. You will, of course, find people who are intentionally abrasive, trying to provoke reactions by making pointed comments. Nevertheless, to react is to cause, whereas to respond is to resolve. People only tickle ticklish people because they get a reaction out of it. If someone tries to tickle you, the worst thing you can do is laugh.
So, what do I think is the best solution?
Being charmingly disarming.
The art of charmingly disarming lies in a witty response that is light enough to keep your dignity but pointed enough to get through to them. It may make the situation uncomfortable, but it should steer things away from making tense interactions. The wit allows those around you to stay at ease, keeping you in (reasonably) high regard. The idea is not simply to disarm the situation, but to disarm whatever attitude, mindset, and techniques they are using to make offense-inducing comments.
Olga V. Mack is the CEO of Parley Pro, a next-generation contract management company that has pioneered online negotiation technology. Olga embraces legal innovation and had dedicated her career to improving and shaping the future of law. She is convinced that the legal profession will emerge even stronger, more resilient, and more inclusive than before by embracing technology. Olga is also an award-winning general counsel, operations professional, startup advisor, public speaker, adjunct professor, and entrepreneur. She founded the Women Serve on Boards movement that advocates for women to participate on corporate boards of Fortune 500 companies. She authored Get on Board: Earning Your Ticket to a Corporate Board Seat and Fundamentals of Smart Contract Security. You can follow Olga on Twitter @olgavmack.