Health / Wellness

My Empty Cup: Changing The Definition Of Success As A Lawyer Mom

As we crawl out of this pandemic, it is essential that we as women lawyers change our mindset and the image of success.

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Ed. note: This is the latest installment in a series of posts on motherhood in the legal profession, in partnership with our friends at MothersEsquire. Welcome Emily N. Litzinger back to our pages. Click here if you’d like to donate to MothersEsquire.

Being a lawyer is about working well under pressure. You are expected to achieve favorable results with very little effort. The client wants success without much investment. The firm wants a time commitment and near-perfect work product.

Being a mom is very similar in the sense that you certainly have pressure to perform. Your kids want you to do all the things for them. In the early years you essentially serve as a lifeguard trying to keep everyone safe. As a mom, you are expected to be active, engaged, and volunteer for your kids’ activities.  Then after the children’s bedtime, your spouse wants (and deserves) some of your attention.

These are all priorities to you. Your job, your spouse, and your children are important, so you give, and you give, and you give until you are pouring from an empty — let’s be honest — a bone-dry cup.

If you are anything like me, a type-A lawyer mom, you somehow seem to barely fill up your cup and inexplicably give some more. You volunteer for room parent, you join the PTA, and sign your kids up for all the after-school programs whilst also trying to build your own business, be an active community member, and grow as a practitioner of the law. But what happens when you are thirsty, and there is nothing left to pour from your empty cup?

Is This Really What I Signed Up For?

The art of self-care is just that, an art and a learned skill. I’ve never been good at self-care. My friend (err, enemy) “guilt” is always standing closely behind me when I attempt to carve out time to just be, be for me (and I don’t mean grocery shopping alone). I want to do and be all the things for the people in my life and feel an immense amount of guilt for not meeting my obligations (or those expected from me).

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It’s my fault, right? I signed up for all these things. I overcommitted. I am trying to “have it all.”

But I Can’t Help To Question — Is It Really My Fault? 

I did not create this model for myself. I saw it, and I heard it. I listened to others and watched as women were praised for the herculean efforts. I started my legal career on the heels of a nasty recession and faced challenges getting my foot in the door. Once I did, I took off. I was told to just “lean in,” and I will be able to have it all. A career, motherhood, and a healthy marriage.  So, I did, I have, I continue to lean. But after a year of pandemic parenting three small children and practicing law from my closet/office, I am leaning so hard I can barely stand, I have a crick in my neck, and I need help. But those who told me to lean in are nowhere to be found. Society has essentially “dined and dashed.” It has received the benefits of my efforts and done very little to support me in the process. The pandemic has, on so many levels, magnified the already systemic gender inequality in the workplace and the legal profession.

This system is not working anymore. The system is broken for parents, and notably, for women, specifically women of color, who are three times more likely to be caregivers and bear the burden of household obligations in heterosexual relationships. If the last year (or so) has taught us anything it is that the world and workplace are changing. We’ve all been through this once-in-a-lifetime trauma.

Why Should We All Keep Leaning In To Meet These, Quite Frankly, Damaging Expectations? 

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As the workplace changes this is the time to change our way of thinking.  Running yourself ragged should not be praiseworthy — it’s stupid, it’s irresponsible. It’s the source of some of the deep mental health issues that plague the legal profession. Saying “no” should not be frowned upon. We usually have no idea what others are struggling with outside of the workplace.

As we crawl out of this pandemic, it is essential that we as women lawyers change our mindset and the image of success. We must switch out the lens to one that views finding and continuing to work toward that delicate balance that fits your life — not the expectations of others. Flexibility should be normalized. Parents should be supported. Women deserve equality in the workplace. The unspoken “expectations” of our grandfathers should be forgotten. It’s time.

Often, I must remind myself that this is not a sprint, it’s a marathon. It’s life. It’s meant to be enjoyed, savored, and met with peace and a happiness that you create without anyone’s judgment.

Emily N. Litzinger is a partner in the national labor and employment law firm Fisher Phillips and practices out of the Louisville office. Emily is a trusted adviser and experienced litigator who counsels and defends employers through the intricacies of labor and employment law and works with her clients to develop preventative strategies to ensure compliance and avoid costly litigation.  As a mother of three energetic young daughters, Emily is passionate about the advancement of women in both the legal profession and the workplace. Emily has written and presented extensively on the pandemic’s impact on women in the workforce and is an advocate for gender equality in the workplace.

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