Small Law Firms

How To Network Without The Need For A Shower Later

A lesson on how to network 'cleanly,' so that you don’t feel like a user or that you are being used.

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I’ve written from time to time about how much I dislike networking (I so wish there were another term for it), and I know that I am not the only one. Sometimes I have felt like I needed a shower after a networking event, especially when it is composed of people looking over my shoulder to see who might be a better contact. I grew used to it, but I never liked it, because I felt like I was being used, not because someone wanted to make my acquaintance, but for whatever contacts I had that might be useful. Blech.

Now I am chastised by an article in the Wall Street Journal Weekend entitled “If Networking Makes You Feel Dirty, You Are Doing It Wrong.”

Dorie Clark teaches executive education both at Duke University and Columbia University business schools. I think all of us who network, and that is, by definition, all of us, since we are all selling ourselves, can learn from her.

Clark cites Harvard Business school professor Francesca Gino for two reasons why networking feels slimy. The first depends upon the type of networking involved: is it transactional or is it a desire to make friends? If the former, then go take that shower. If it’s the latter, you can skip it.

Gino’s second reason is that lack of potential reciprocity, especially if the networking involves an imbalance between junior people and more senior people. The junior person doesn’t want to feel like a “user,” and that’s often the reason for why networking can feel so slimy; there’s no equality in the networking. The junior person wants or needs something, and the more senior person doesn’t, thus that imbalance and queasiness. Clark has been researching how to network “cleanly,” so that you don’t feel like a user or that you are being used.

Here are Clark’s four thoughts on how to network more authentically every time you go to a networking event. Even better, to not have to take a shower later.

First, Clark says, figure out what you can offer. What could a junior person possibly offer? You’d be surprised. Volunteer to do a job that seems thankless (and may well be), but you never know how that volunteering will lead to something. Volunteering gets you known without asking anyone for anything. Clark also suggests using a “side door” (which, ever since the college admission scandal, has left a bad taste), but a “side door” could be a positive in that you may have skills that others need or want that you haven’t considered. We are all the sum of our parts, and so, being able to help in any way is a positive and not be to be sniffed at.

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The second strategy is to not ask for anything for a year. This applies even when it’s peer to peer. In other words, Clark says, don’t ask for any favors, introductions, or the like. Let the relationship become a friendship before imposing on anyone for anything beyond the realm of friendship. While it’s true that if you don’t ask, you don’t get, decide that you are not going to ask for anything for a year and stifle yourself if tempted. Asking can come later.

Clark calls this next strategy the “double opt-in,” and I plead guilty to not following her strategy. What Clark says is don’t just introduce people by email, especially when there’s a request for a favor looming on the horizon. Make sure that you ask both parties, in separate emails, whether both people are amenable to the email introduction. If so, go for it; if not, then figure out another way to make the introduction happen.

Lastly, the fourth strategy that Clark suggests is to “go all in on your memberships.” As she says, it’s better to be a peer than a supplicant. Being a peer can be easy with all the various associations and ways to connect on a peer-to-peer level. But don’t sign up for every organization that comes along. It’s far better, Clark says, to be choosy about what organizations you decide to join. Once you’ve made that decision, then volunteer (see above) to get to know people in the organization.

Make yourself useful, not just decorative. Being involved in a bar association or other group that share common interests and goals makes it so much easier to approach people.

As an example, if you participate in membership or programming, it’s then much easier to approach people to ask them for help in membership recruitment and/or in designing or participating in programs.

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Members of affinity organizations tend to be helpful. If they can’t help, often they are willing to introduce you to someone who can. So, in this situation, it could be a double win for you, the first introduction and then the second one. The more people who know you and know what you can do the more likely they are to want to help you after the year is up (see above).

I don’t have enough fingers and toes to count all the attorneys and judges who have been helpful to me over the years, and those who still help me. Following Clark’s advice may reduce, if not eliminate, the need for a post-networking shower. (And for those of us in drought-ridden states, every drop of water we can save is a good thing.)

Jill Switzer has been an active member of the State Bar of California for over 40 years. She remembers practicing law in a kinder, gentler time. She’s had a diverse legal career, including stints as a deputy district attorney, a solo practice, and several senior in-house gigs. She now mediates full-time, which gives her the opportunity to see dinosaurs, millennials, and those in-between interact — it’s not always civil. You can reach her by email at oldladylawyer@gmail.com.

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