Government

Which Trump Lawyer Is The Biggest Disgrace: A Bracket

Let's calculate the incalculable.

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(Photo by Win McNamee/Getty Images)

We now have some distance from the chaos, the coups, the Big Lies, and the Ukrainian extortion efforts. It’s time to seriously take stock of what happened over the last few years. Consider it America’s hangover and consider this competition the American legal community’s rapid scrolling through last night’s texts.

What did we do to ourselves as a profession since 2016? Let’s take a gander at the lawyers — from Biglaw or otherwise — who threw themselves at the altar of Trump and got us to this point. And then let’s vote on the biggest disgrace to come out of this whole thing.

You can click to embiggen:

ATL Madness 22

Personal Region

(1) Rudy Giuliani v. (8) Chris Christie

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(1) Rudy Giuliani: No confusion over the top overall seed for the tournament. Giuliani entered the Trump years with an impressive — if perhaps overblown — resume as a successful U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York but by the end it felt like he might have just been from U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of New York Total Landscaping. He leaked oil. He farted. He set off a riot at the Capitol. He did… whatever he did in the Borat movie. And then Trump reportedly stiffed him on legal fees. Oh, and he’s neck deep in the effort to extort Ukrainian President Zelensky which seems extra bad right now.

(8) Chris Christie: I don’t know if you know this, but Chris Christie was also a prosecutor. He never mentions it! Christie put the screws to Jared Kushner’s dad — who, as a reminder, had “hire[d] a prostitute to seduce his brother-in-law, and videotape[d] it, and then sen[t] the videotape to his sister to attempt to intimidate her from testifying before a grand jury” — but managed to work his way into Trump’s good graces anyway. Then Trump gave him COVID for his efforts.

(2) Jenna Ellis v. (7) Alina Habba

(2) Jenna Ellis: Ellis may have been a traffic court reject, but that didn’t stop her from branding herself a “Doctor” and working her way into Trump’s inner circle. Ellis kicked off the Big Lie strategy with a nutty memo about Mike Pence throwing the election to the House and tried to explain to real lawyer Ari Melber how the Supreme Court works.

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(7) Alina Habba: There’s a good argument for an upset here: is a failed traffic lawyer better or worse than a successful parking lot lawyer? Habba’s made herself a star over recent weeks with wild rants, a bizarre demand to retract Pulitzer Prizes, and being on the receiving end of a remedial lesson in civil procedure from a federal judge.

(3) Cleta Mitchell v. (6) Marc Kasowitz

(3) Cleta Mitchell: The former Foley & Lardner partner became “former” when leaked audio revealed her role in Trump’s effort to convince Georgia election officials to, you know, just find 11,000 more votes. It’s a call that actually brought down other Biglaw lawyers who didn’t even make this bracket — consider them the runners up in the “Georgia call conference tournament.” Prior to lighting her career on fire at the altar of the Big Lie, Mitchell provided Biglaw gravitas to the less savory corners of the right-wing legal world, saying “the quiet part out loud” hosting seminars on how to gerrymander Americans out of meaningful enfranchisement.

(6) Marc Kasowitz: Trump’s real estate litigator took his success convincing now-departed Manhattan DA Cy Vance to squelch criminal probes into Ivanka and Don Jr. over the reported objection of the lawyers working the case, and converted it into a turn as Trump’s original White House attack dog lawyer before… everything went wrong. First he got the call to run point on the Russia probe, had a personal party at the Trump hotel, got called out for allegedly telling staffers not to hire their own lawyers, and then found himself the subject of a massive exposé. But Kasowitz took this as a queue to step away from the tire fire and chose to wisely fade from the limelight.

(4) John Eastman v. (5) Justin Clark

(4) John Eastman: The former Chapman Law School dean penned an infamous “Coups 4 Dummies” memo in an effort to convince Mike Pence to junk the Constitution in favor of Trump rule in perpetuity. It was a take so bad that Eastman’s former boss had to come out and assure Pence that it made no sense. And yet Eastman couldn’t help himself and kept writing wacky memos about new and interesting ways to circumvent democracy. Now he’s out of a job, facing the January 6 committee, and under investigation by the state bar. Quite the run!

(5) Justin Clark: The former Kirkland & Ellis partner keeps trying to navigate Trump through the mess of causing a coup, and most of the time he’s landed his client on the rocks. That attempt to claim Trump gets to run the National Archives even if Joe Biden is president? Didn’t really work out. Most recently he’s made news for writing the memo that Steve Bannon claims authorized him to invoke executive privilege despite not having worked in the White House for years. Clark… disagrees.

Government Region

(1) Bill Barr v. (8) Jeff Sessions

(1) Bill Barr: The former U.S. Attorney General has a new book out where he wants you to know that he tried very, very hard to stop Donald Trump and you all just didn’t notice in between him enabling Donald Trump at every conceivable turn. OBVIOUSLY, the washed up hack who auditioned for the job by spreading conspiracy theories about Hillary Clinton pushing shady uranium deals had the utmost respect for the sanctity of the office. The faculty of his law school wanted to strip him of his honorary degree. His HIGH SCHOOL wanted nothing to do with him. And now he wants a cookie for resigning right before he actually needed to take a stand.

(8) Jeff Sessions: Recency bias is a powerful thing — you almost forgot about this guy, didn’t you? Just another bias Sessions can add to the bag of tricks that defined his whole career. A Republican controlled Senate rejected his nomination for a federal judgeship over concerns that he was too racist. But Sessions managed to claw his way into the Department of Justice and execute a family separation policy at the border that kidnapped around 5500 kids. There are still children the government can’t account for.

(2) Jeffrey Clark v. (7) Matthew Whitaker

(2) Jeffrey Clark: It’s hard to say what Jeffrey Clark did at the Department of Justice because he’s already on record that discussing his tenure there would incriminate him. What we do know is that the former acting head of the Justice Department’s Civil Division concocted a plot to get the election overturned by asserting phantom voter fraud cases. When this proved too crazy for even his bosses, Clark seemingly attempted an end run around his superiors by convincing Trump to make him the new acting AG. You miss 100 percent of the shots you don’t take.

(7) Matthew Whitaker: Whitaker seems like the halcyon days compared to how the administration ended up. But back in 2018, Whitaker stepped into the role of Acting AG despite having… no clear legal path to being the Acting AG? Despite his prior public service efforts, like applying for a federal judgeship based on his football career, Whitaker he made his way to a U.S. Attorney role in Iowa and rode that to D.C. Along the way, his career in private practice had placed him in the middle of a weird scam. But his wife managed to quell all the criticism by emailing journalists. It worked great!

(3) Jeffrey Rosen v. (6) Richard Donoghue

(3) Jeffrey Rosen: Another former Acting AG, who managed to fend off Jeffrey Clark’s coup de dumb only to find out that he’s not going to have executive privilege on the other side. According to notes taken by 6 seed Richard Donoghue, Trump asked Rosen to “just say the election was corrupt and leave the rest to me and the R. Congressmen.” He’s now working at a SPAC.

(6) Richard Donoghue: The former U.S. Attorney of the Eastern District of New York served as principal Associate Deputy Attorney General in the waning days of the administration. He claims that he was ready to resign if Jeffrey Clark succeeded in ousting Rosen — quite the profile in courage! Now a Pillsbury Winthrop partner, Donoghue really wants you to know that Biglaw firms shouldn’t penalize people like him for enabling this crazy train because they were ready to maybe jump off before it went too far.

(4) Don McGahn v. (5) Pat Cipollone

(4) Don McGahn: The architect of Trump’s FedSoc incel to federal bench pipeline. He refused Trump’s Stringer Bell instructions Ultimately, McGahn was reasonably competent and saw everything going off the rails early, which prompted Trump to fire McGahn’s Jones Day colleagues in retaliation — oh, and obviously he’s back at Jones Day. Also a Flo Rida fan.

(5) Pat Cipollone: Another K&E connection. Honestly, Cipollone reportedly uttered best single piece of legal advice any of these yahoos ever offered: stay away from Trump. At least that’s what a Vanity Fair exposé revealed — Cipollone was apparently running around on January 6 advising all staffers to steer clear of Trump to avoid getting themselves even deeper into sedition territory.

Kraken Region

(1) Sidney Powell v. (8) Julia Haller

(1) Sidney Powell: It wasn’t all that long ago that Above the Law founder David Lat would sit down with Powell for genial discussions about her book. Now she is the leader of the Kraken movement, named after her decision to quote 1980s Harry Hamlin vehicle Clash of the Titans (specifically Laurence Olivier’s very hammy reading of the line “Release the Kraken“) to describe the wave of voter fraud suits that promised to restore Trump to the White House. They did not. But they did earn her some sanctions! And a $1.3B lawsuit! And she raised a lot of money for the cause… which the feds are interested in hearing more about.

(8) Julia Haller: Another “squidlet” as columnist Liz Dye calls them. Haller found herself facing the same swath of sanctions and spent the whole time NOT CRYING while her professional career floundered on the craggy shores of batshit legal theory island. She claimed that she did nothing wrong in submitting facially ridiculous affidavits even though that did, “nothing to counter the argument that the attorneys who presented it as factually accurate failed in their obligation to figure out if the conduct alleged was illegal. Much less to determine if it actually happened.”

(2) Lin Wood v. (7) Stefanie Lambert Junttila

(2) Lin Wood: Of all the terrible Kraken arguments, claiming that legal ethics can’t attach if a lawyer merely puts their name on a filing but doesn’t sign it may well take the cake. Powell and Wood tried that one in Michigan. Georgia wants him evaluated. Social media shunned him after he started making noise about a vast John Roberts conspiracy and talking up Pence and firing squads. And after ranting and raving about illegal voting, Wood is the one who ended up getting investigated for illegal voting. Isn’t it ironic? Cue the Alanis!

(7) Stefanie Lambert Junttila: Team Kraken’s local counsel in Michigan had some real gems. She told the judge it would be “insulting to all involved” if she bothered to cite caselaw in the brief. During the sanctions proceedings, she told the judge that the judge misunderstood Rule 11. And she was implicated in hiring private investigators to go after election clerks. For a local lawyer stepping into the big leagues, Stefanie really came to play!

(3) Joe DiGenova v. (6) Howard Kleinhendler

(3) Joe DiGenova: He said that the national director of cybersecurity “should be drawn and quartered. Taken out at dawn and shot,” for saying that there had not actually been massive voter fraud. He spent some time getting neck deep in Rudy’s Ukrainian mess — where currently indicted Lev Parnas worked as a translator for diGenova and his oligarch client.

(6) Howard Kleinhendler: There’s not much more to say about one of Sidney’s principle lieutenants in the Kraken Corps. Remember when Major League Baseball moved the All-Star Game because Georgia was busy trying to disenfranchise its minority voters? Kleinhendler sued baseball over it. On the argument that baseball violated the KKK Act. Can’t make this stuff up. Well, you can… and if you’re these people you then file it with the court.

(4) Jesse Binnall v. (5) Paul Davis

(4) Jesse Binnall: Binnall is now making a play at “legitimacy,” working with Justin Clark to defend Trump’s interests more conventionally, but we will always remember his time as Powell’s sidekick on the Michael Flynn case and running the challenge to Nevada’s election results. But he’s still filing challenges to the January 6 committee that, as Dye put it, “shares a certain joie de vivre and insouciant disregard for cogent legal theory and the space-time continuum with Binnall’s prior output.”

(5) Paul Davis: Technically never represented Trump, but the former insurance company associate general counsel joined the Capitol riot, started suing everyone, asked the courts to turn the country over to the Hobbits, complained that everyone made fun of him for asking to turn the country over to the Hobbits, and most recently whined about how he lost everything just because he made a series of incredibly bad legal moves.

Impeachment Region

(1) Alan Dershowitz v. (8) Eric Herschmann

(1) Alan Dershowitz: Dershowitz threw his rapidly waning intellectual heft into Trump’s impeachment defense and then he decided to help MyPillow-stuffin’-for-brains Mike Lindell with his wacky claims. He’s gone so around the bend for his boy Trump that he’s making up legal theories that even Fox laughs at. Jeffrey Toobin, in a heartfelt moment, told Dershowitz “this is not who you used to be,” on live television and believe me when I say it’s a big deal when Toobin is the rational actor in a room — or a Zoom room. There’s a bunch of Jeffrey Epstein stuff too but we don’t even need to get into that here. And Dersh pissed off Larry David which means I can honestly say Larry and I have something in common.

(8) Eric Herschmann: This was a tough one because fellow travelers Stefan Passantino and Arthur Schwartz had similar resumes, but someone had to be the representative here. And who has two thumbs, and was front and center on January 6? THIS LAWYER!

(2) Jay Sekulow v. (7) Jane Serene Raskin

(2) Jay Sekulow: There’s an argument that Jay Sekulow is the ultimate Trump lawyer. He’s got a multimillion dollar charity that raises ethical eyebrows. So does Trump! He claims to be a master of his profession, but a lot of observers think he’s just a charlatan. Just like Trump! It’s pretty clear he has no clue what he’s doing. Just like… well you get the idea.

(7) Jane Serene Raskin: She was fucking competent.

(3) Bruce Castor v. (6) David Schoen

(3) Bruce Castor: Even though he managed to get acquitted… again… Trump was pretty sure he had the “stupidest” lawyers for his second impeachment. Which technically isn’t a word, but of all the things to knock Trump over this is the stupidest one. Did you know Castor was the person who functionally covered up Bill Cosby for years? He did! Trump finds the lawyers for all the real winners — Epstein, Cosby, Baylor’s football team, Trump himself…

(6) David Schoen: Another of Trump’s self-proclaimed “stupidest lawyers.” Technically Michael van der Veen was there too but for the life of me I can’t remember a thing that guy said.

(4) Ken Starr v. (5) Lindsey Graham

(4) Ken Starr: How did this guy get a comeback? The last time we checked in on this guy he’d royally f**ked up his own university in an effort to keep sexual misconduct allegations against the football team under wraps. To be as crystal clear as possible: the guy who spent massive federal government resources on a blowjob lost his academic job for covering up multiple rape cases. He even managed to find his way into the Jeffrey Epstein case! Because there isn’t a single bit of horrid sleaze in the last half century of this country that Ken Starr didn’t weasel his opportunistic ass into.

(5) Lindsey Graham: Lindz didn’t technically defend Trump in either impeachment, but he sure thinks he’s Trump’s lawyer. There wasn’t a more active obsequious defender of the Trump cause than Graham. He came a long way from saying he wouldn’t vote for Trump in 2016 to rubberstamping his every move, acquitting him twice to protect… George Washington?, and making his own phone calls to lean on Georgia to overturn the election.

Polls are open until Sunday at 11:59 p.m. Eastern. Get voting.

HeadshotJoe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news. Joe also serves as a Managing Director at RPN Executive Search.

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