Helpful Field Guide For Identifying The Next Flag At Sam Alito's House
Which January 6 flag will Sam Alito fly next?
(Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images)
Welcome to the exciting and fulfilling hobby of SCOTUSwatching! Many out there remain too frightened to go down this road, choosing to get sidetracked into boring, substandard pursuits like birdwatching. Would you rather identify a Blue Honeycreeper or a Red-Faced Kavanaugh? I thought so!
Recently, hobbyists caught a rare glimpse of a striking public display by an Alito. This specimen mates for life, but when threatened, the male points its finger at the female. While known for favoring its right-wing, the Alito is a flightless bird unless provided free private jet travel by litigants and is identifiable by its loud coup-ing sound and ostentatious visual displays.
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While flying upside-down or nesting in Pine Trees are popular forms of Alito peacocking, observers should be on the lookout for the specimen to adopt these other looks.
Gadsden Flag
Like the Appeal to Heaven look, this decorative look harkens back directly to the American Revolution. But, as an expert SCOTUSwatcher points out, pretending this display is anything less than reactionary peacocking in the 21st century is objectively hilarious:
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Three Percenters
Sam Alito might be only 1/9th of the Supreme Court, but he might be 3 percent in his heart! The Three Percenters take their name from the idea that only around 3 percent of the American colonists took up arms during the American Revolution, with adherents seeing themselves as the heirs to that legacy as opposed to LARPers in tactical gear.
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Three Percenters often draw parallels between the U.S. government today and the British government in the 1700s, arguing that the current U.S. government is tyrannical and actively working to infringe on Americans’ Constitutional rights and liberties. They believe a small force of armed individuals can overthrow a tyrannical government, and many Three Percenters engage in paramilitary training and organizing to do so. Three Percenterism is at its core a vanguard extremist movement that claims to be ready to carry out armed resistance to perceived tyranny. Their perceptions of tyranny emanate from the radical conspiracy theories and paranoia rooted in the decades-old antigovernment extremist movement, and have repeatedly led to violence against America’s law enforcement, citizens and residents.
Stars and Bars
(Photo by SAUL LOEB/AFP via Getty Images)
Usually flown by specimens from more Southern climes, the Alito has noted in the past that it’s not really any different than rooting for a college football team in Walker v. Texas Sons of Confederate Veterans, noting:
If you did your viewing at the start of the college football season and you saw Texas plates with the names of the University of Texas’s out-of-state competitors in upcoming games—Notre Dame, Oklahoma State, the University of Oklahoma, Kansas State, Iowa State—would you assume that the State of Texas was officially (and perhaps treasonously) rooting for the Longhorns’ opponents?
Describing rooting for Oklahoma as “perhaps treasonously” in a case about the Confederate battle flag remains one of the most amazing parentheticals in judicial history.
The Kraken
Known for setting up migratory nests on islands, be on the lookout for this nautical-themed symbol. A flag easily acquired on Amazon, this one showed up at the January 6 riot because of its connection with a catchphrase adopted by Sidney Powell’s effort to overturn the election in the courts.
Kekistan
Alitos are not native to Kekistan because Kekistan isn’t a real country. But with its broad migratory pattern, they can feel right at home within the fictional enclave of the devotees of Kek:
Kek, in the alt-right’s telling, is the “deity” of the semi-ironic “religion” the white nationalist movement has created for itself online – partly for amusement, as a way to troll liberals and self-righteous conservatives both, and to make a kind of political point. He is a god of chaos and darkness, with the head of a frog, the source of their memetic “magic,” to whom the alt-right and Donald Trump owe their success, according to their own explanations.
America First
Taking on the branding of another is not an uncommon trait in the animal kingdom. With this symbol, Alito would be wrapping himself in the appearance of Nick Fuentes, whose America First logo was yet another prevalent January 6 image.
Through his nightly “America First” show and his America First Foundation, Fuentes has stated his aim is to remake the Republican Party into “a truly reactionary party.” In livestreams and public appearances, Fuentes has described his goal as working within the political system to become “the right-wing flank of the Republican Party.” He sees America’s “white demographic core” as central to its identity.
49 Star Flag
Fully acceptable. No notes.
In all seriousness, Sam Alito might not have the full January 6 collection. But since he’s already forfeited the “I don’t have to dignify that with a comment” option when he threw his wife under the bus, there’s really only one easy way for him to clear up this apparent fascination with alt-right iconography.
But he’s not going to do that.
Joe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news.
