Republican Wisconsin Supreme Court candidate Brad Schimel made his closing argument for the job and it’s about psychologically beating children.
And that sounds like hyperbole and yet it’s what he said… out loud.
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Trump and Musk have put a lot into Schimel’s campaign, which they see as a referendum on their earliest days in office. What the dynamic duo got for their effort is a candidate hyping his legal chops by explaining that he successfully cross-examined a child to tears.
Think the Central Park 5 prosecutors, but extracting a false confession from Big Bird that Snuffleupagus isn’t real.
Giving real “Law & Order: Special Nap Time Unit” vibes.
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Like a lot of judicial hopefuls, Schimel used to be a prosecutor, which is significant for two reasons. First, “I don’t think I looked at the road the whole way.” Reckless driving for the purpose of humiliating a second grader is exactly what you’re looking for in law enforcement, am I right? Second, when you’re a hammer the whole world looks like a nail and that apparently extends to putting a child on trial.
Dad, we live in a world that has inflatable castles, and those castles have to be guarded by kids with sugar. Who’s gonna do it? You? You, Dad? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Bobby getting sick because he was convinced to eat a worm, and you curse the children. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know — that Bobby’s vomit, while tragic, probably entertained kids; and my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, entertains kids. You don’t want the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at parties, you want me in that castle — you need me in that castle.
Look, there is a way to tell an endearing story about cross-examining a child. John Mulaney has a stand-up bit about his Skadden partner father grilling him as a kid. But here’s the thing… the whole point of the Mulaney routine is that it’s from the kid’s perspective. It doesn’t really work when the adult is the one bragging about torturing a kid.
Seriously, what is with these guys and getting their kicks making children cry? Judge Roger Benitez, a fellow Republican, handcuffed a little girl — and told her she was “awfully cute,” which… ick — until she cried.
It’s hard to figure out what’s worse: that he did this or that he thinks this is a useful story to tell in a campaign. What’s the Caddyshack line? “I’ve sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn’t want to do it. Felt I… owed it to them.”
Schimel’s wife might be on to something with this monster stuff. Let’s see if the voters of Wisconsin figure it out.
Earlier: Federal Judge Handcuffs Crying 13-Year-Old Girl Attending Father’s Hearing
Joe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter or Bluesky if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news. Joe also serves as a Managing Director at RPN Executive Search.