Eighteen years ago, a month into my addiction recovery, I attended a 12-step meeting where someone shared about losing his dog. He cried through his story, and I wept for him. I had a beagle named Peanut, and the thought of losing him was unbearable. I turned to my sponsor and whispered, “If that happens to Peanut, I’m sure I’ll go out. Relapse.”
He put his hand on my shoulder and said, “I understand the grief and feeling, but when your recovery is slid, that won’t be a thought you’ll have. Part of recovery is about living your grief and moving forward.”
Since then, three of my pets have crossed the rainbow bridge. Peanut the beagle and two cats, Useless (yes, that was her name), and Mimi, last week. Losing Mimi was more traumatic than losing the first two pets due to old age. She was only eight, and it was unexpected. She and her sister, Butter, were born on an old boat inside a barn. They couldn’t have been more different. Butter is an orange Tabby. A cuddly lap cat, always looking for affection. Mimi, a Maine Coon, was more standoffish and nervous. We’d joke about her being in constant need of a kitty Xanax.
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Because I work from home, Mimi and Butter were constant companions. The moment I sat in my office chair with a cup of coffee, one of them was at my side.
Last week, Mimi began throwing up. Her sonogram showed a blocked bile duct, and it was recommended that her gallbladder be removed. It is a tricky surgery, but not uncommon for cats. Unfortunately, when they opened her up, there was cancer that prevented the removal. There was nothing they could give her more than a few weeks. The hard decision was made to end her suffering. She was only eight.
I was in shock and denial. I suppose I still am, crying every day. I’ve been through this before, but each time is brutal. I know it gets easier, but in the middle of it, that seems hard to imagine. What I know is that taking a drink won’t bring her back. Grief is one day at a time, like recovery.
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Brian Cuban is an attorney, author, and advocate for mental health awareness and recovery. He has spoken at law firms, conferences, non-profit events, colleges, and universities across the United States and Canada. He also writes extensively on these subjects. His books, columns, and quotes have appeared on CNN.com, Foxnews.com, The Huffington Post, The New York Times, and online and print newspapers worldwide.
He is also the author of the best-selling book The Addicted Lawyer, Tales of The Bar, Booze Blow & Redemption. His debut novel, The Ambulance Chaser, was released as the #1-selling debut paperback thriller. His follow-up crime thriller, The Body Brokers is now available wherever books are sold and at www.briancuban.com.