When You’re Miserable And You Don’t Know Why

A few weeks ago, I gave a talk on using mindfulness and meditation to cultivate more joy in life. It’s a lofty goal to say, cultivating joy is important to me and I am willing to spend time exploring what it means.

At the end of the presentation, a man, perhaps in his late 30’s came up to me. He waited until most of the room had cleared and said, “Joy is completely out of reach for me. I’m miserable — all the time. And I don’t even know why.”

Instinctively, I reached out, held his hand and paused, letting the enormity of what he said sink in.

I asked him how long he’s been feeling this way. He said, “I’ve been unhappy for so long… years.”

I teared up, he did as well.

The feeling of discontentment, misery, and unhappiness even though there is no reason for feeling this way is one that’s very familiar to me.

In speaking with hundreds of lawyers over the years, it’s a common feeling in our profession. We’ve been conditioned to constantly strive for perfection, we’re only as good as our next win, we forget to pause, to celebrate, to find joy in the ordinary, in the mundane.

Finding your way out of unhappiness, to intentionally cultivate more joy — this takes courage. To say, I am willing to experience life more fully and to take ownership over my own emotional state takes consistent and persistent effort.

The number one thing that has helped me in times of deep despair? Therapy.

There is so much stigma, especially for lawyers for seeking help. This is unfortunate because it causes unnecessary suffering.

Going through ten weeks of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) helped me to significantly reduce stress and anxiety. What I realized was that the compounding effects of long-term stress and anxiety, not having a mechanism in place for regularly letting go of stress and anxiety was leading to the feelings of misery.

The misery then led to a vicious cycle where I withdrew from social contact, leading to further isolation, which led to more stress and anxiety. On and on, the cycle continued.

In CBT, I learned how to pay closer attention to the negative thought patterns which was triggering the stress and anxiety. To start labeling the thoughts as “thinking errors,” and to take a gentler stance towards myself.

If you were miserable because of a physical illness, you’d go see a doctor, right? Similarly, therapists are trained to help you maintain mental health.

Sadly, for many lawyers, the cure may feel worse than the misery. It’s not unusual to get a bewildered look when I suggest therapy for lawyers that are struggling with deep sense of unhappiness, misery and yes, depression.

On more than one occasion, I’ve had lawyers express concerns about others at work finding out. One attorney told me he pays for his sessions out of pocket because he wanted to make sure no one at work found out.

I wish there was a simple “cure” out of unhappiness and misery. I wish there was a quick fix. However, the chances are, it took you a long time to get here and it’s going to take some effort and time to get out of it.

You may be full of self-loathing and judgement for the way you’re feeling.

Take a gentle stance towards yourself. Acknowledge where you are. Recognize this isn’t a permanent state.

Remember, you are fundamentally good and worthy of love.

It is my deepest hope for every lawyer, for our profession to not accept misery and unhappiness as the norm. To resist having this be the status quo of our work.

I believe embracing joy, striving for satisfaction, being more compassionate is the cornerstone for being the best lawyer possible. For achieving our full potential.

As I say at the end of every meditation, May you be happy. May you be free from suffering. May all beings be happy and free from suffering.

I love hearing from you! As always, you can drop me an email at [email protected] or over on Twitter.