In the course of the average legal career, we’ve all heard arguments that were dumb, or even just plain wrong. Hell, plenty of lawyers out there even make arguments you know are wrong, because it’s like the New York Lottery — “Hey, you never know.”
As annoying as you may personally find this trend, imagine if you were a state judge, in goddamn New Jersey of all places, forced to listen to every Hail Mary argument that crosses an attorney’s mind.
You may get a little testy.
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Fortunately for us, dear readers, Judge Clarkson S. Fisher, Jr. takes a turn for the whimsical when dismissing arguments out of hand.
In the recent case of Freedman v. Sufrin, Judge Fisher had to adjudicate a disagreement between neighbors. The Sufrins had a restrictive covenant with the developers of what eventually became the plaintiffs’ property that future owners were not to remove trees from the property “until such time” as the Sufrins resided at the neighboring property. Not only is that a pretty restrictive clause, but as Judge Fisher noted, “the entire covenant became irrelevant once defendants [the Sufrins] took up residence next door.”
Never fear, the defendants have a novel interpretation of the phrase “until such time” such that it means what they wish it means:
Unless we are to apply the standard of interpretation famously employed by Humpty Dumpty, defendants’ contention that “until such time” should be translated as “so long as” must be rejected.
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Yeah because those two phrases pretty much mean the opposite. And the footnote Judge Fisher drops completes the whimsy bomb:
“‘When I use a word,’ Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, ‘it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less.’ ‘The question is,’ said Alice, ‘whether you can make words mean so many different things.’ ‘The question is,’ said Humpty Dumpty, ‘which is to be master — that’s all.'” Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass, ch. VI (1871).
The only way this gets more whimsical is if you imagine Zooey Deschanel reciting the quote.
You can read the full decision on the next page.