JPMorgan Chase

* NYC is prepared for protests surrounding Trump indictment. Precaution is always good, but most of his supporters inclined to go out and do something dangerous are probably already serving their January 6th sentence. [Reuters]

* Meanwhile, the House GOP wants Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg to testify to Congress about this process because federalism and states rights are just empty slogans. [Courthouse News Service]

* Fox producer claims Winston & Strawn and network attorneys pressured her to be evasive in Dominion suit deposition. Sometimes witnesses misinterpret “don’t speculate” for “be evasive” but reading some of the details, this seems to be… not that. [Law360]

* Proposed class action against JPMorgan Chase for aiding in sex trafficking moves forward. [New York Law Journal]

* Debevoise partners took the firm’s headcount growth on the chin with average profits dipping to a mere $4.42 million per partner. This might look very smart in a few months when they’re going to need all those retained associates for ramped up work because… [American Lawyer]

* … Biglaw projects an M&A revamp over the second half of the year. Which is the prediction Above the Law has made for months so it’s nice to see the firms catching up. [Bloomberg Law News]

* Kevin Costner’s case heads to the South Dakota Supreme Court. I didn’t like The Postman either, but we don’t need to make a whole case out of it. [Kelo]

The hardworking staff at the SEC deserves a big pat on the back for putting a stop to this.

The indignity.

For one shining moment, Citi CEO Michale Corbat was Wall Street's most special boy.

"Don't pretend like we're friends... You don't KNOW us."

Behold, a truly disastrous interview.

Biglaw firm allegedly cost lenders big bucks.

The fate of the billable hour, how small firms can compete with large ones, the evil of profits per partner, and more.

* The Sixth Circuit, in an opinion by Judge Jeff Sutton, just upheld four states’ bans on same-sex marriage. Next stop, SCOTUS? [BuzzFeed] * JPMorgan Chase really doesn’t want people to hear this woman’s story. [Rolling Stone] * Dating site busted for sharing users’ STD info. [Slate] * If you’re opting for a life of crime, dream bigger. [Legal Juice] * There’s a patent on filming yoga classes. So class, you’re going to transition from “downward dog” to “shameless patent troll.” [Lowering the Bar] * The continued existence of Thomas Jefferson School of Law has spawned so many good lines. The Times compared the school to Dracula. Now Steven Harper describes it as “throwing furniture into the fireplace to keep the house warm.” [TaxProf Blog]

Would you want to be a part of a program like this if you could?

* CeeLo Green, through his attorney, tells the judge and prosecutors in his criminal case to, um, Forget themselves. He’s miffed that the judge and prosecutors set up cameras during his arraignment and left themselves out of the shot creating a false impression of guilt. This marks the first time this guy didn’t want a camera fixated solely on him. [TMZ] * Samsung wants a mistrial in its case with Apple because Apple’s attorney, Harold McElhinny, implied in his closing argument that American-made jobs building TV sets moved overseas because companies failed to protect intellectual property. Samsung is arguing that this is racist. [Bloomberg] * Remember the matter of the attorney supposedly stalking a jury? Well, the judge has overturned the verdict over it. [Courthouse News Service] * A week in the life of a Biglaw litigation associate. It’s a decent list, but where were the Thursday Night Football and Netflix? You’ll see what I mean in the next story. [Big Law Rebel] * JPMorgan is awfully sorry for making the conscious decision to sell toxic securities that helped destroy the economy. “Our bad, y’all!” [Gawker] * The justices who penned Bush v. Gore shamelessly admitted how terrible the decision was by trying to claim it had no precedential value. Unfortunately, no one listened to them. [Mother Jones] * In addition to the many law firms that are contributing to Typhoon Haiyan relief efforts, several Asian-American lawyer groups are organizing a fundraising event this coming Monday. If you’re in New York, please consider attending! [Facebook; AABANY] * In sad news, the son of Ninth Circuit Judge Jay Bybee shot and killed himself in the courtyard of the LDS Temple in Henderson, NV. Our thoughts are with Judge Bybee and his family. [Las Vegas Review-Journal (gavel bang: Las Vegas Law Blog)]

* How Jamie Dimon (and Stephen Cutler and Rodge Cohen) reached JPMorgan Chase’s tentative $13 billion settlement with Eric Holder and the Department of Justice. [DealBook / New York Times; Wall Street Journal (sub. req.)]

* Congratulations to all the New Jersey couples who got married since midnight, in the wake of the state supreme court’s decision not to stay a lower-court ruling in favor of marriage equality. [Newark Star-Ledger]

* Additional insight into all the partner departures from Weil Gotshal in Texas. [Dallas Morning News]

* Lawyers aren’t the only folks who know how to overbill; defense contractors do too, according to federal prosecutors who allege that a company provided prostitutes and kickbacks to Navy personnel. [Washington Post via The BLT]

* The legal battle over Obamacare rages on. [Wall Street Journal (sub. req.)]

* Judge Oing, this really isn’t that hard. Here’s a draft opinion for you in the long-running litigation between Macy’s and J.C. Penney over the right to sell Martha Stewart merchandise (by James Stewart, no relation to Martha). [New York Times]

* If you’d like to run with the bulls without schlepping to Spain, former lawyers Rob Dickens and Brad Scudder can help. Presumably their legal training helped them draft ironclad waivers. [BuzzFeed]

* Another interesting but very different event, taking place this Wednesday: “Healing the U.S. Lawsuit System.” [U.S. Chamber Institute for Legal Reform (one of our advertisers)]

Ed. note: In honor of Columbus Day (and Canadian Thanksgiving), Above the Law will be on a reduced publication schedule today. We will be back in full force tomorrow.

* Justice stops for no one, not even a broken Congress. With the end of days approaching quickly for federal courts in terms of funding (or the lack thereof), many judges are lashing out and declaring all their employees essential. [National Law Journal]

* Legal expenses can be especially “painful,” even for the biggest of banks, but sadist firms like Sullivan & Cromwell, Paul Weiss, and WilmerHale are really getting their rocks off on Jamie Dimon’s suffering. [DealBook / New York Times]

* DLA Piper’s future’s so bright it’s got to wear shades — and appoint a new co-managing partner in New York City, its largest office. Congratulations to Richard Hans, you’ve co-made it! [New York Law Journal]

* “It’s not just about me.” Jim Tanner, a Williams & Connolly partner who represents Jeremy Lin, is leaving the firm to start his own sports management business, and he’s taking people with him. [Bloomberg]

* “I have no apologies to make about anything I did.” Steven Donziger of Chevron/Ecuador infamy will be defending himself in court this week in what’s being called a legal cage match. [Wall Street Journal]

* “Touro is asking a judge to declare the school a diploma mill.” Irony alert: Touro wants Novus University Law School, a school supposedly conferring “worthless law degrees,” to be stopped. [New York Post]

* If you think SCOTUS abused its discretion in the early abortion cases, you’re going to love this book (affiliate link), a “cautionary tale” about consequences of decisions like Roe v. Wade. [Wall Street Journal]

When private lenders are getting out of the student loan game, we should all worry that the government is still in it.

* Fine Print as “Surrealist Masterpiece.” Because sometimes you need legal analysis involving Foucault. [Concurring Opinions] * Speaking of fine print, the story behind an attack ad in Virginia is all about fine print. Virginia AG Ken Cuccinelli is running an attack ad against Terry McAuliffe connecting him to the collapse of Global Crossing. The problem is the former Global Crossing workers in the ad thought they were talking to a documentary film crew about the company, not making an ad attacking McAuliffe. Should have read that waiver form more closely! [Mother Jones] * JPMorgan Chase is dropping out of the student loan business. Must be getting too difficult to package likely defaults into some kind of billion-dollar derivative these days. [American Banker] * A New York attorney candidly tells the world that dealing with his kids “is not my problem” because he has a long-suffering wife for that job. See conservatives, gay marriage hasn’t destroyed all the traditional families. [Dealbreaker] * More analysis on the legality of intervention in Syria under international law. Welcome to the art of writing listicles, Lawfare! [Lawfare] * A Q&A with Ignatius Grande of Hughes Hubbard & Reed on the importance of Twitter for clients and law firms. Intriguingly, Hughes Hubbard doesn’t have an active Twitter account. What gives? [Commercial Litigation Insider] * The NFL’s concussion settlement wasn’t just about screwing over the former players, but about the NFL covering up its business practices. But who cares, KICKOFF TONIGHT Y’ALL! [Grantland] * We’re not saying you should drop out of school, but if you do, try to make it like these people. Video embedded after the jump. [Bloomberg via YouTube]

* Obama nominates a Bush Republican to head the FBI. James Comey was on all sorts of Bush short lists. Kumbaya. [New York Times]

* A nice summer reminder: this woman didn’t recover damages from Great Adventure water ride injury. Here’s another reminder: Six Flags destroys Disney. [New Jersey Law Journal]

* NASDAQ gets BTCHSLAPD. [National Law Journal]

* Meanwhile, Total Oil is also getting slapped by the SEC. Looks like somebody over there ate their Total. [Breaking Energy]

* The “elitist white boy” approach to law enforcement gets called out. Bobby Rush is now my hero. [Talking Points Memo]

* Darius Kingsley, a former Treasury official, is the new co-general counsel of JPMorgan’s commercial bank. [Corporate Counsel]

* Florida Governor Rick Scott can’t randomly drug test all state workers. I’d be in favor of random drug testing for Rick Scott voters. [Reuters]

* Based on the justices’ reactions during oral arguments in Windsor v. U.S., there was no defending the Defense of Marriage Act. Not even the Paul Clement, the patron saint of conservative causes could save the day. [New York Times]

* Alas, the David Boies and Ted Olson Dream Team stole much of the spotlight from Roberta Kaplan, the Paul Weiss partner who argued on behalf of Edith Windsor in an effort to overturn DOMA. Seriously, you go girl! [WSJ Law Blog (sub. req.)]

* Dude, you’re getting a Dell! Alston & Bird and Kirkland & Ellis are the latest firms to join the Biglaw sharks (including Ho-Love, Debevoise, Wachtell, SullCrom, and Simpson Thacher) circling this major tech buyout. [Am Law Daily]

* It looks like it’s time for JPMorgan to face the music for its investments in Lehman Brothers, because a federal judge just ruled that the bank cannot “dispatch plaintiff’s claims to the waste bin.” [Reuters]

* An alleged killer’s sense of mortality: James Holmes, the suspect in the Colorado movie theater shooting, offered to plead guilty and spend life in prison in order to avoid the death penalty. [CNN]

* The horror! The horror! Sacrilege! Constitutional law nerds nationwide will weep at the very thought of someone suggesting that our country’s governing document be amended to abolish life tenure for Supreme Court justices. [Los Angeles Times]

* Quite frankly, it’s pretty amazing how quickly the preclearance section of the Voting Rights Act went from being seen by states as something that wasn’t “onerous” to being “arbitrary and burdensome.” That’s politics for you. [It’s All Politics / NPR]

* Jim Woolery, an M&A superstar formerly of J.P. Morgan, has made the jump to Cadwalader after only two years at the bank. Upgrade or downgrade from his Cravath partnership? [Wall Street Journal (sub. req.)]

* Some law professors stop teaching classes to tend to their divorce proceedings, but others law professors teach classes from their hospital beds so their students aren’t thrown to the wolves. [Tex Parte / Texas Lawyer]

* It you want to be employed, make damn sure you nail your interview because “[t]he stakes are higher than ever” — fewer than 13 percent of permanent law jobs were obtained from OCI in 2011. [National Law Journal]

* Greenlight Capital’s case against Apple might have been perceived as a “silly sideshow” by some, but it looks like Judge Richard Sullivan of the S.D.N.Y. purchased front row tickets. [DealBook / New York Times]

* Speaking of silly sideshows, the DOJ recently joined the fray with Floyd Landis and his False Claims Act suit against Lance Armstrong. Perhaps it’s time for the disgraced biker to take his ball and go home. [Bloomberg]

* Alan Westin, privacy law scholar and professor emeritus of public law at Columbia, RIP. [New York Times]

* This seems like a high profile time to be named general counsel of the Red Cross. [Corporate Counsel]

* JPMorgan sues whale. [Bloombereg Businessweek]

* I cannot wait for the lawsuit this T-shirt cannon inspires. [Yahoo Sports]

* A dog day at the Supreme Court. [National Law Journal]

* The pledge of allegiance is under attack. Well, not the pledge exactly, they’re just going after God. [Boston Globe]

* You know, I get that the people without power are feeling like they’re in a episode of Revolution right now, but Manhattan has ALWAYS been two cities: the haves and the people we haves step over on our way to having more. I feel bad for people living in Lower Manhattan who have been without their muffin cart for a couple of days… but not as bad as I feel for the poor schlep who will drag the muffin cart around for 12 hours a day every day until death. [Time]

* “This case has nothing to do with the United States.” We’d normally let that slide because of this law from 1789, but now the Supreme Court is suddenly skeptical about the validity of the Alien Tort Claims Act. [Reuters]

* “Why are we being punished for Dewey & LeBoeuf?” Come to think of it, former employees at the failed firm are probably wondering the exact same thing as the fictional characters on “The Good Wife.” [WSJ Law Blog]

* Reduce, reuse, and recycle your claims? New York Attorney General Eric Schneiderman filed suit against JPMorgan, alleging that the bank’s Bear Sterns business defrauded mortgage-bond investors. [Bloomberg]

* A man of many firsts: Randall Eng, the first Asian judge in the state, was appointed to lead New York’s Second Department as presiding justice, the first Asian-American to serve in the position. [New York Law Journal]

* UC Irvine Law is planning a six-week summer camp for in-house counsel. They’re calling it the Center for Corporate Law, but Mark Herrmann’s “General Counsel University” has a nicer ring to it. [National Law Journal]

* Why shouldn’t you get a dual JD/MBA? Because hiding out in school for another year isn’t going to save you from all of the extra debt you’ve incurred earning yet another degree. [Law Admissions Lowdown / U.S. News]