Ed. note: Welcome to the latest installment of “Notes from the Breadline,” a column by a laid-off lawyer in New York. Prior columns are collected here. You can reach Roxana St. Thomas by email (at roxanastthomas@gmail.com), follow her on Twitter, or find her on Facebook.
We’ve all heard the statistics about attorney layoffs, unemployment, and the sad state of the economy. But do the hard numbers tell the full story of life in the breadline? Inspired by the Harper’s Index, today I offer you the Notes from the Breadline Index.
Months in the breadline: 6
Estimated number of jobs applied for: 266
Estimated number of responses received to job inquiries: 23
Follow-up phone calls returned: 2
Soup recipes developed: 4
Meals consisting primarily of soup: 87
Approximate hours spent online trolling for potential jobs: 745
Average number of times, per day, email inbox checked for responses to job inquiries: 28
Percentage of times inbox check followed by fleeting thought that email has stopped working: 8
Number of evil cats currently freeloading off meager household income: 2
Number of times I have seriously considered the employability of cats: 3
Half-knitted scarves finished now that I have “time on my hands”: 0
Maximum number of days without washing hair: 5
Estimated number of jobs applied for: 266
Estimated number of responses received to job inquiries: 23
Follow-up phone calls returned: 2
Soup recipes developed: 4
Meals consisting primarily of soup: 87
Approximate hours spent online trolling for potential jobs: 745
Average number of times, per day, email inbox checked for responses to job inquiries: 28
Percentage of times inbox check followed by fleeting thought that email has stopped working: 8
Number of evil cats currently freeloading off meager household income: 2
Number of times I have seriously considered the employability of cats: 3
Half-knitted scarves finished now that I have “time on my hands”: 0
Maximum number of days without washing hair: 5
More of Roxana by the numbers, after the jump.
Percentage of non-lawyers who respond to news of layoff with “I didn’t think lawyers got laid off”: 62
Average number of times, per week, some version of the question “How’s the job search going?” is asked: 9
Average number of times, per week, phrases “the market is really bad,” “no one is hiring,” and “nothing yet!” uttered in response to above question: 9
Estimated number of infomercials watched during sleepless nights: 58
Estimated brushes with distinct possibility of investing in instructional materials about buying real estate with no money down: 4
Estimated number of times employment situation has caused me to shed tears: 17
Estimated number of times employment situation has caused me to say the word “fuck”: 2,132
Average number of days, per week, when I am not sure what day it is: 3
Number of times cats have barfed during work-related telephone conversations: 4
Pounds of coffee consumed at home: 23
Cups of coffee purchased at Starbucks in violation of austerity-related Starbucks ban: 12
Cigarettes smoked: 480
Broken promises to quit smoking for good: 479
Percentage of times announcement of layoff qualified by the statement that others were laid off, too: 98
Hours and minutes spent missing the Big Law Firm: 0
Average number of restaurant meals, per week, purchased pre-layoff: 4
Average number of restaurant meals, per week, purchased since layoff: 0
Estimated number of restaurant meals consumed courtesy of generous friends: 54
Average number of days, per week, when job search seems hopeless: 3
Frequency with which the Unabomber’s lifestyle seems like a reasonable alternative: Increasing
Approximate dollars paid for COBRA: $2,648
Dollars in checking account: $1,223
Number of friends currently registered for expensive baby/wedding gifts: 6
Number of times I have wondered whether homemade soup is appropriate baby/wedding gift: 6
Weddings I will not attend this summer because plane ticket to remote destination is too expensive: 1
Number of times I have gently hinted that remote wedding destination may be next site of swine flu outbreak, making City Hall a safe and economical alternative: 1
Estimated number of times I have considered leaving New York: 23
Estimated number of times I have decided against leaving New York: 23
Estimated number of times I have wondered whether I could live in my car: 23
Number of “fabulous” jobs touted by Olivia the Recruiter: 13
Number of fabulous jobs obtained through Olivia the Recruiter: 0
Number of haircuts since layoff: 2
Number of times Giovanna has observed that I need a haircut: 9
Actual job interviews: 11
Actual job interviews this month: 0
Estimated number of applicants for each position applied for: too many
Estimated number of times cheerfully told, “You’ll find something soon!”: 108
Estimated likelihood of finding something soon: Low
Number of suggestions about employment possibilities at McDonald’s, Wal-Mart, or Starbucks: 6
Number of suggestions about employment possibilities as a Craigslist hooker: 118
Number of meals I watched Mr. Potato Head consume: 26
Number of times I revisited the possibility of solo practice: 26
Average time spent seriously considering whether I have, in fact, won £1,600,000, €550,000, or an ATM card from the IMF: 26 seconds
Actual lottery tickets purchased: 19
Percentage of telephone solicitations dealt with by saying, “I just got laid off”: 100
Number of times I have questioned the decision to become a lawyer: 0
Gratitude for emails and messages from friends of Notes from Breadline: Immeasurable.
Average number of times, per week, some version of the question “How’s the job search going?” is asked: 9
Average number of times, per week, phrases “the market is really bad,” “no one is hiring,” and “nothing yet!” uttered in response to above question: 9
Estimated number of infomercials watched during sleepless nights: 58
Estimated brushes with distinct possibility of investing in instructional materials about buying real estate with no money down: 4
Estimated number of times employment situation has caused me to shed tears: 17
Estimated number of times employment situation has caused me to say the word “fuck”: 2,132
Average number of days, per week, when I am not sure what day it is: 3
Number of times cats have barfed during work-related telephone conversations: 4
Pounds of coffee consumed at home: 23
Cups of coffee purchased at Starbucks in violation of austerity-related Starbucks ban: 12
Cigarettes smoked: 480
Broken promises to quit smoking for good: 479
Percentage of times announcement of layoff qualified by the statement that others were laid off, too: 98
Hours and minutes spent missing the Big Law Firm: 0
Average number of restaurant meals, per week, purchased pre-layoff: 4
Average number of restaurant meals, per week, purchased since layoff: 0
Estimated number of restaurant meals consumed courtesy of generous friends: 54
Average number of days, per week, when job search seems hopeless: 3
Frequency with which the Unabomber’s lifestyle seems like a reasonable alternative: Increasing
Approximate dollars paid for COBRA: $2,648
Dollars in checking account: $1,223
Number of friends currently registered for expensive baby/wedding gifts: 6
Number of times I have wondered whether homemade soup is appropriate baby/wedding gift: 6
Weddings I will not attend this summer because plane ticket to remote destination is too expensive: 1
Number of times I have gently hinted that remote wedding destination may be next site of swine flu outbreak, making City Hall a safe and economical alternative: 1
Estimated number of times I have considered leaving New York: 23
Estimated number of times I have decided against leaving New York: 23
Estimated number of times I have wondered whether I could live in my car: 23
Number of “fabulous” jobs touted by Olivia the Recruiter: 13
Number of fabulous jobs obtained through Olivia the Recruiter: 0
Number of haircuts since layoff: 2
Number of times Giovanna has observed that I need a haircut: 9
Actual job interviews: 11
Actual job interviews this month: 0
Estimated number of applicants for each position applied for: too many
Estimated number of times cheerfully told, “You’ll find something soon!”: 108
Estimated likelihood of finding something soon: Low
Number of suggestions about employment possibilities at McDonald’s, Wal-Mart, or Starbucks: 6
Number of suggestions about employment possibilities as a Craigslist hooker: 118
Number of meals I watched Mr. Potato Head consume: 26
Number of times I revisited the possibility of solo practice: 26
Average time spent seriously considering whether I have, in fact, won £1,600,000, €550,000, or an ATM card from the IMF: 26 seconds
Actual lottery tickets purchased: 19
Percentage of telephone solicitations dealt with by saying, “I just got laid off”: 100
Number of times I have questioned the decision to become a lawyer: 0
Gratitude for emails and messages from friends of Notes from Breadline: Immeasurable.
___________________________________________________________________________
Roxana St. Thomas is a laid-off lawyer living in New York. You can reach her by email (at roxanastthomas@gmail.com), follow her on Twitter, or find her on Facebook.
Earlier: Prior installments of Notes from the Breadline
