As we know from our Courtship Connection service, the dating scene is pretty rough for lawyers in New York City — but it’s even worse if you’ve chosen a non-lawyer as your date. Laypeople just don’t understand what it’s like to be a member of the legal profession.

While you were living your carefree existence, the average young lawyer is likely six figures in debt after having gone to school for three years. He’s overwhelmingly stressed out, and he works hard for the money. Like Kenneth Kratz, he is “the prize.”

That being said, you can only imagine how pissed a single lawyer would become after he’s been given the brush-off after a first date via text message….

The search for love will drive a man to do crazy things — things like wearing a fedora on a first date. Gawker explains what happened to this lawyer while on his search for love:

Candice is a 31-year-old New Yorker. She met a nice lawyer at a bar in Williamsburg, and agreed to see The Avengers with him. When she arrived for the date, he was wearing a fedora. The date did not go well.

Afterwards, an uninterested Candice gave her would-be beau the brush-off via text message.

First things first: if you’re trying to make a connection with someone, you probably shouldn’t sit in silence in a dark room for two hours. That’s just bad form. Your mother is probably sitting somewhere — ashamed — and tsking you for your first date faux pas, Mr. Fedora. She’s also wondering why you chose to wear an accessory from the 50s. You are not on the set of Mad Men. Not even Fat Betty would approve.

And things just went from bad to worse after that:

He responded with a lengthy text message seemingly written for a male friend—in which he griped that his date had been a mere “5.5 out of 10 (average).” Immediately afterwards, he sends a hilariously transparent apology message.

Bros will be bros, but my favorite part of these text messages shows how differently men act with the object of their affection, versus their friends. You can almost smell Mr. Fedora’s desperation in the first text:

  • In a text meant for Candice (sent at 1:02 a.m.): “I think it is your loss. I am an amazing guy and would have [done] anything for you.”
  • In a text seemingly meant for Mr. Fedora’s bro, but sent to Candice (sent the next day at 1:53 p.m.): “I have dated much hotter girls. She is a 5.5 out of 10 (average). . . . She is lucky that I went on a date with her. Average chicks are the ones that always act like they are God’s gift.”

Do bros seriously write soliloquies like this via text, or is that just the case with lawyer bros? Although Mr. Fedora pleads his case in complete sentences with proper punctuation, he’s clearly not familiar with FRCP 8(a). Short and plain statements, bitch — use ‘em.

Alas, Mr. Fedora seems to have run into the same problem as another infamous text messager — with that kind of an attitude, there will be no “tall, young, hot nymphs” for him.

You can see the full text of Mr. Fedora’s argumentative text messages on the following page….


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