If you’re stuck sitting in your office until all hours of the night wondering (a) how you’ll ever meet someone and (b) how you’ll convince them to take a chance on someone who routinely works until 4 a.m. turning documents while a team of lawyers argue over comma placement, well, you’re in luck!
A major online dating site has your back, publishing a listicle designed to convince their desperate readers why they absolutely should date a lawyer. It could be a good opportunity for these online daters to employ ATL’s advice on seducing a lawyer.
Is this thought-provoking, well-crafted advice about dating lawyers? In a word, no…
But eHarmony didn’t get where it is by acting as an honest broker of love. The whole conceit of eHarmony is some black-box personality test that tells a person what they really want even if they don’t realize it themselves. This post about dating a lawyer follows the same principles: it doesn’t explain why someone should date a lawyer so much as it targets a segment of their audience who want certain qualities in a potential mate and then ham-handedly ascribes those traits to a hypothetical lawyer. When you read eHarmony’s advice, what you realize is they have some members seeking some really unpleasant people.
Let’s address some of eHarmony’s advice:
1. Quoting your date will make you sound smarter: “My boyfriend is a lawyer and he says…”
I found a typo already. Replace “smarter” with “like an a**hole.” Lest we forget, lawyers are the most despised profession in America. Going around telling everyone that your significant other has an expert opinion on every subject by virtue of a J.D. from Downstate Tech? Unless this hypothetical group of non-lawyers just happen to be discussing document review, this boyfriend’s opinion is pretty useless.
This isn’t to say lawyers aren’t smart. But this point isn’t about smarts, it’s all about appealing to the contemptible person who wants to rub into friends that he or she has a “better” life partner than they do. It really says, “If you date a lawyer, you get to tell your friends how you’re dating a person with a better job.”
2. Your mom and dad will be impressed. Plus: A lawyer in the family is always a good thing!
Unless we’re talking about the Soprano family, what’s the value of a lawyer in the family? The era of the generalist is largely behind us, and securities litigators glancing at leases they barely understand to give tepid approval doesn’t do anyone much good. Very few lawyers are in a position to provide legal advice to family between commitments to employers and bar admissions. There’s really not much good a lawyer in the family can do. Getting wrongly accused of murdering a convenience store clerk in Alabama doesn’t happen all that often.
But again, the real message of this item is, “You’ve always been a disappointment to your parents, maybe this will make them love you.”
3. Most lawyers are fantastic dressers. (Yes, there’s more than one suit in his/her closet.)
Apparently eHarmony’s extensive research for this article consisted of watching 3 episodes of Ally McBeal. Non-descript slacks and blue button-downs do not add up to “fantastic.” Meanwhile, female lawyers have an even harder time finding great clothes to wear at work. There’s a whole website devoted to that challenge.
Moreover, why would owning business attire translate into overall fashion sense? This is just a bit of red meat for certain eHarmony members to consider that lawyers might fulfill the itch they already have.
4. Lawyers are financially secure.
And people accuse ATL of being too focused on Biglaw. Look away from the top private-practice gigs, and lawyers are not nearly as “financially secure” as eHarmony’s collection of vague stereotypes suggests. This also glosses over the whole “terminally in debt” thing. As for who this is meant to reach, see #3.
7. Lawyers are often invited to interesting social events. Most of them include an open bar.
Finally, a good reason to date a lawyer.
9. Like to debate? Your date is always up for that type of challenge.
Have you ever thought: I was wondering if there was a way that everything I want to do will be subjected to second-guessing and a hail of recriminations. If this is what you want, you don’t need a lawyer, you need a dominatrix.
11. Speaking of note-taking, there will be plenty of free legal pads lying around.
Maybe this should have been a top 10 list, eh eHarmony?
Oh, and perhaps the most hilarious…
12. Your date will have interesting law-school stories (and lots of life experience).
“One day I got called on in Civ Pro and I had to talk about International Shoe for 10 minutes.”
The moral of this whole story is that the next time you meet someone through eHarmony, realize that they’re probably looking for a superficial jerk.
And remember to keep a lot of legal pads around the house — it’s a turn-on.
15 Reasons to Date a Lawyer [eHarmony]