Lawyer Serves Love Interest With Crazy Dating Subpoena

This is exactly why it's so hard for lawyers to find dates.

When you’re a single lawyer, trying to find a date can be rough. You’re either too busy and don’t have the time for such trivialities outside of your billable hours or you’re so prone to speaking in legalese and your social skills are so lacking that your dates find you completely uninteresting and downright weird.

Your dating contracts have only gone over well with women who are as desperate as you are, and now you’re hoping — nay, praying — that women have caught wind of the fact that lawyers are great at sex. Perhaps your love interest’s knowledge that she’ll be satisfied with your “pro boner” representation will excuse one of your more creative ploys to get into her pants: the dating subpoena.

LawyerCat, one of our loyal Twitter followers, alerted us to the abomination that is the dating subpoena, writing, “My friend received a ‘subpoena’ from another attorney to go on a date and it’s totally not creepy at all.” Here it is, in all of its pretentious glory:

Oh, what an experience it must be to consume grog with a man who has nine degrees!

Good Lord, has this striver ever been on a date in his life? Is there a woman who exists outside the realm of Ashley Madison bots that would actually find this clever? Our apologies to this gentleman and scholar, but the answer to both of those questions is “no.”

This undateable attorney advises his love interest that “FAILURE TO OBEY THIS DIRECTIVE MAY RESULT IN REGRET, REMORSE, AND DEPRESSION FROM UNMITIGATED LOSS OF SOCIALLY POSITIVE OPPORTUNITIES.” This statement is categorically false. Don’t take the bait, just start running far away as fast as you can.

This is exactly why it’s so hard for lawyers to find dates. This kind of behavior isn’t cute, it’s strange. It’s the type of behavior that some would believe to be indicative of a major personality defect. This fellow may very well be an “attorney, economist, professor, and billiards player extraordinaire,” but this document is so incredibly off-putting that the only titles women will assign to him in the future are “creep,” “loser,” and “weirdo.”

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Earlier: Lawyer Makes Girl Obsessed With All Things Legal Sign Dating Contract

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