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Bruce Stachenfeld

I am famous for a saying. Actually I am not really famous, but I have a saying that I have been, well, saying for years, as follows:

“Lawyers are only happy when they’re miserable.”

What I mean is this: You are working round-the-clock so much you haven’t even been home for a full day and hardly at all for a month on a doozie of a deal. You are completely sick of it. All you can think of is when the deal will be “over.” You are clearly “miserable.” If only you could have your personal life back! Then, finally, the deal closes — at last. Your client is wiring out the funds. As the transfer of funds is happening, a (terrible) thought races through your mind. You hate yourself for the thought — you try not to have the thought — but you simply can’t help it… and the thought is that you are kind of worried because you have nothing to do now and that is disquieting… gee, what if work has really slowed… at some point this will be a real problem. You’ve had your personal life back for maybe a second — you haven’t even taken a shower — and you are worrying where your next deal will come from.

Or the other way around. Work has been slow — very slow — for a couple of months. You have enjoyed some rounds of golf and gone out to a bunch of dinners and lunches, but you really would like a nice tricky and challenging deal to sink your teeth into. And of course you are mindful of the fact that like it or not lawyers just have to bill hours. That is how we make a living, and you just aren’t billing hours. Not a good thing. You are edgy — if only you could have a big deal to work on….

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For some reason, very few law firms are prepared to deal with the headcount issues. It is interesting because the reaction from them also is peculiar. I think it was reported—I don’t know, maybe 12 months ago—that Weil Gotshal had a significant layoff of lawyers. They reduced—I think it was their associates, but maybe it was of counsel as well—and there was quite a negative reaction in the press to that.

I am not privy to any of their numbers or anything that is going on in the firm, but, as a restructuring person, my reaction is, “Look, this is someone getting their house in order. This is an appropriate thing to do.” It is no secret that revenues across the industry are down. And, so, you either need to take market share, or you need to right size your organization.

Joff Mitchell of Zolfo Cooper, during an interview with David J. Parnell of Forbes, speaking about how layoffs are frowned upon in Biglaw.

(For the record, Weil laid off 60 associates — about 7 percent of its associate ranks — and 110 staff members, about half of whom were legal secretaries.)

Having a job is so awesome!

It’s the first week of August, and it seems that Biglaw firms are still handing out offers to their summer associates like candy. Don’t worry if you haven’t received one yet, because some firms are still daring enough to wait until their summer associates are back in school before they welcome their new crop of future associates.

Sure, summer associate classes are smaller than they were before the Great Lathaming and Dewey’s Demise, but now that things are starting to look up, offer rates seem stronger than ever.

Following up on Tuesday’s story, here are more firms that have given offers to all of their summers:

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It used to be that the world of corporate transactions was the sole province of Biglaw. After all, handling complex matters like mergers and acquisitions required manpower and overhead — and lots of it. Well-paid junior associates were an integral part of the process, and the costs of doing business were driven by corporate clients’ expectations of grandiose reception areas and white-glove treatment as proof of both commitment and excellence.

These days, however, technology has leveled the playing field, making it possible for boutique law firms to compete with Biglaw in ways never before possible. Many of these boutique firms, comprised of Biglaw lawyers seeking to practice law on their own terms, have sprung up in the wake of large-firm mergers and dissolutions. Creative thinking and the innovative use of technology have been the keys to their success, allowing these boutiques to reduce overhead costs and run their practices more effectively and efficiently, saving their clients time and money.

Don’t believe me? Well, look no further than Bailey Duquette, a Manhattan-based boutique law firm….

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Could this investigation spell doom for Beau Brindley’s legal career?

“At the Law Offices of Beau B. Brindley, it is our policy to respond to all criminal charges with a relentless attack on the government. We aggressively pursue every case as if we were the accused.”

Those words, from the website of prominent Chicago defense lawyer Beau Brindley, have proved prescient. Now Brindley might get to feel exactly what it’s like to be in the shoes of the accused.

As we mentioned yesterday, Brindley finds himself the subject of a federal criminal probe. What are the allegations against him?

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Americans are obsessed with taxes.

Maybe it’s our libertarian streak. Maybe an anti-tax bias is in our DNA from the Boston Tea Party. In any event, no real American likes paying taxes.

And some people don’t like paying them even more than the rest of us. Like Donna Marie Kozak.

In Omaha Nebraska this week, Kozak was convicted of a number of tax crimes. She is a member of the “sovereign citizen group ‘Republic for the united States of America.’”

According to DOJ’s press release about the case,

since the late 1990s, Kozak has engaged in a long series of fraudulent schemes to obstruct the internal revenue laws. These included placing her property in sham trusts, establishing a sham charitable foundation, sending harassing correspondence to IRS employees and filing bogus tax returns, trust returns, private-foundation returns and other false documents with the IRS. In 2008, she filed a tax return based on fictitious income and tax withholdings on Form 1099-OID statements that claimed a refund of $660,000.

At trial, in addition to the questionable tax filings, she also seems to have filed a $19 million tax lien against a federal judge who oversaw the tax fraud prosecution against two of her friends. She also filed other multi-million dollar tax liens against the federal prosecutors who brought her friends’ case.

It seems Kozak did not have a legitimate claim to $19 million from that judge. And self-help to a fake tax lien is not how one should address a suspicion of prosecutorial overreach.

Like the folks who believe that the limits on maritime jurisdiction, explained by a talking salamander, holds the key to beating a federal criminal charge, the full tapestry of wacko tax fraud theories is a lovely thing to behold….

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‘That’ll be $27,000… XOXO, Dentons’

* Let’s get ready to rumble! Not wanting to be left out of the party, Oklahoma has also asked the Supreme Court to take a look at its same-sex marriage statute which was recently slapped down by the Tenth Circuit. [National Law Journal]

* Dewey know what financial restructuring adviser Joff Mitchell of Zolfo Cooper said to this failing firm’s partners right before it flopped for good? “Look, there is no way here to save this firm.” Ouch. That had to have sucked. [Forbes]

* The examiner who was appointed to monitor law firm billing for the City of Detroit’s bankruptcy is now questioning Dentons’ fees of up to $27K per month to talk to the press. Whoa there… [Detroit Free Press]

* Working Mother and Flex-Time Lawyers have released the latest ranking of the Top 50 Law Firms for Women. Vivia Chen feels “a bit dirty” after reading the list — and you probably should, too. [The Careerist]

* Leisure Suit Larry’s successors are here to stay for a while: Case Western Reserve Law’s co-interim deans will stay on in their current positions for the upcoming school year. [Crain's Cleveland Business]

As the dates for on-campus interviews approach, I would like to share with rising 2Ls a few lessons that I have learned from colleagues at firms and law schools about the summer associate application process. As always, in doing so, I run the risk of being called an elitist pig; however, my firm has over 30 positions to fill this fall, and this elitist pig would be delighted if you were one of the individuals to land one of these well-paid spots.

1. You will be given 20 to 30 minutes to make a favorable impression on the on-campus interviewer. Over the years, candidates have tried every tactic in the book to be remembered. This includes outlandish outfits, bringing the interviewer baked goods, and, the worst, flirting with the interviewer. I believe that your main task during the interview is to demonstrate MATURITY. You do not need to demonstrate that you are cool, fun, athletic, perpetually happy, etc. You just need to leave the interviewer thinking that you seemed like a mature individual.

The on-campus interviewer is only going to take a risk on a candidate who he or she thinks will reflect well on him or her. In other words, Partner X wants to call back candidates who will perform well during the callback; if the candidate does well, Partner X looks good to his colleagues. Stated differently, any candidate who is a risk will not be given a callback because Partner X is concerned that his peers will question his judgment by offering a callback to an immature, unfocused, or odd candidate.

Be safe by presenting as mature. So how does a candidate demonstrate maturity?

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* Donald Trump is suing to get his name removed from the Trump Plaza and Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City because his reputation is tarnished by tacky façades dedicated to giving off the mere illusion of success. [Bloomberg Businessweek]

* Beset by corruption allegations, Governor Cuomo is using funds out of his campaign war chest to fund his defense rather than squandering taxpayer dollars. Ball’s in your court neighboring state governor. [North County Public Radio]

* Beau Brindley, a benchslap legend, is now the subject of his very own federal criminal probe after allegedly encouraging a client to lie under oath. A tipster told us last year “this won’t be the last you hear of [Brindley].” How prophetic. [Chicago Sun-Times]

* The woman given a forced blow job simulation for the glory of a 7-inch Burger King burger is speaking out. [Copyranter]

* The Women’s World Cup is scheduled for next year in Canada, but a number of high-profile players are threatening — with the help of Boies, Schiller & Flexner and Canadian firm Osler, Hoskin & Harcourt — to sue FIFA for discrimination over its plan to subject the women’s tournament to artificial turf. Are you suggesting FIFA is a disastrously flawed organization? Get out. [Fox Sports]

* Guess what? Your insurance company isn’t made up of the worst people on the planet. Unless you use this insurance company. Because then, maybe it is. [Gawker]

* A Harvard Law grad wanted to install an intercom so he invented a system known as “Nucleus” that does the job for less than $200. [Technical.ly Philly]

* If you’re interested in the fun and exciting world of startups, head on out to Legal Tech SF’s Startup Weekend. It’s August 15-17 at Airbnb headquarters. I assume after August 17 the location reverts to the headquarters of some other company. [Legal Tech SF]

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You’d think that a lawyer who is allegedly skeevy enough to be banned from representing women by his own state bar would warrant a total disbarment from the legal profession.

But no, that’s not how they roll in Connecticut. In Connecticut, even if there have been enough ethics complaints by your female clients to warrant a suspension, you are still good as long as you are only accused of being unsuitable to represent half of the population…

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TALE OF THE TAPE

Name: BARACK HUSSEIN OBAMA II

Birthdate:  August 4, 1961

Birthplace: Honolulu, Hawaii (disputed)

Height:  6’1’’ with a slim, athletic build

Title:  Most Powerful Man in the Free World

Education:  B.A. (Political Science) from Columbia; J.D. from Harvard (magna cum laude, president of the Harvard Law Review)

Party: Democrat

Little Known Fact:  None. POTUS is so heavily scrutinized that it’s almost impossible to keep anything hush hush

Sports: Pretty good lefty point guard. Loves his Chicago White Sox and Bears.

Speechmaking:  Love him or not, he’s a pretty darn good speechmaker. He knows how to rally his base supporters and tick off his enemies.

And now, in the other corner….

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