Chris Sevier

‘Hey Girl, I can’t go out tonight, but maybe we can Skype.’ Chris Sevier / Model Mayhem

Our old friend Chris Sevier is back and wackier than ever. Sevier, you may recall, is the lawyer (or at least Vandy law grad) who filed suit against Apple for building a computer that let him get addicted to porn so very easily. The complaint was 50 pages long and riddled with tirades and typos. It was all good fun. In the end, the remedy Sevier sought was basically a nanny state — a hot nanny state, with a schoolgirl uniform and daddy issues.

Anyway, with marriage equality cases bubbling up across the country, it was only a matter of time before Sevier said, “Hey, I’m litigious and enjoy drafting frivolous filings about sex stuff!” And with that, he filed to intervene in Florida’s ongoing marriage equality case on the compelling argument that his rights needed to be heard.

Specifically, his right to marry the love of his life: his computer.

I’m assuming if the Florida judge allowed that, Sevier’s wedding would have to feature a toast by Apple telling everyone how the couple met.

Well, we have Sevier’s latest tour de force. Let’s take a look….

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As 2013 draws to a close, let’s look back at the 10 biggest stories in the legal profession over the past year. This is an annual tradition here at Above the Law, which we’ve done in 2012, 2011, 2010, and 2009. We’ll fire up the old Google Analytics machine to get data on our most popular posts, based on pageviews, and share the results with you.

Before turning to specific stories, let’s look at the top general discussion topics here at ATL. For 2013, our most trafficked category page was Biglaw, which bumped Law Schools out of the top spot — a spot that Law Schools held from 2010 through 2012. Now that the word is out about the perils of getting a law degree, leading to plummeting applications, perhaps it’s time to move on from the “don’t go to law school” narrative.

After Biglaw and Law Schools, our third most-popular category page was, as usual, Bonuses. This wasn’t a terribly exciting year for bonuses — there were no spring bonuses, and Cravath and its many followers paid out the same bonuses as last year — but people still want to know the score.

Our fourth most-popular category page was small law firms. Small firms, including boutiques, are an area of increasing focus and readership for us — and also where many of the job opportunities are these days.

Moving on from the topic pages, what were the 10 most popular individual posts at Above the Law in 2013?

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We live in a Christian nation ‘Jack.’

Chris Sevier, the Apple Porn plaintiff, channelling his hero, Phil Robertson. According to Sevier’s rambling, 91-page complaint, A&E’s decision to suspend Robertson indefinitely will have a chilling effect on the practice of Christianity. President Obama makes it into the complaint because he’s allegedly in cahoots with the network in an elaborate strategy to further the gay agenda through basic cable.

(Look, if cable television stations were the locus of a vast conspiracy to enforce a gay agenda, shouldn’t Sevier be suing over the existence of Bravo?)

Earlier this week, I wrote about a lawyer in Florida suing Apple for millions because he couldn’t be bothered to figure out how iTunes works. Little did I know that this wasn’t the craziest law suit brought by a lawyer against Apple.

A tipster pointed us to a 50-page complaint filed in federal court last month seeking damages and injunctive relief against Apple for making devices that can display porn, or as the rest of us call it, the Internet. The complaint gracefully skips from pop psychology, to comparing porn to handguns, to appeals to the divine rule of the Almighty.

This wasn’t the best week for Apple in the courtroom, but at least the in-house lawyers have this suit to look forward to defending…

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