Douchebags

Cleary Gottlieb switched over from “summer casual” to all-year business casual between my summer and starting full-time, so I never experienced a mandatory business attire office. Some senior folks would kvetch about the falling standard of decorum, but I suspected those guys were really just annoyed that they’d built a truly impressive suit collection and sat idly by as their wife started letting the tailor needle her, and for what? Younger lawyers rejoiced because not having to blow out a suit collection amounted to a functional bonus. I never experienced the full-on business dress policy, but personally, I could never imagine wearing business attire every day if for no other reason than business attire isn’t really conducive to the 18-hour workday.

More than a decade into the business casual movement, there are still holdouts demanding a return to the formality of the good old days. The problem with all these irritated partners is it’s not really possible to preach business attire without looking like a tool….

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Getting placed on a law school admissions wait list can be traumatizing if you overthink it. The admissions officers thought you were good, but not quite good enough. They’re waiting to see if they’re desperate enough to allow a simpleton like you to become a member of the entering class. You could be in law school limbo for weeks, or even months.

Imagine how devastating it would be to receive a rejection letter after languishing on a wait list for what seemed like eons, hoping and praying that this would be the school to accept you. Imagine how vindictive you’d be if you were under the impression your application had been guaranteed special consideration. Imagine what it would be like to exact your revenge upon another cruel admissions dean, as you’ve done so masterfully in the past.

Keep reading if you want to see how to weasel your way from a rejection to an acceptance by making veiled threats of impending litigation….

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Orange is the new black.

For most people, sartorial elegance and automotive excellence equals legal expertise.

Stuart V. Goldberg, a criminal defense attorney who takes pride in his appearance by wearing Tom Ford suits and carrying Louis Vuitton briefcases. Goldberg also pays extra to park his Rolls Royce Phantom, Bentley, or Lamborghini across several parking spaces near the local courthouse.

(A picture of Goldberg’s silver Bentley, which features some incredibly gauche vanity plates that read “RNMAKER,” was presented without comment on our sister site, Dealbreaker, last summer.)

Law school rejection letters have been sent to even the best of us, and most are quick to pick up their bruised egos and call it a day. But there are others out there who are unable to move on with their lives. Their dreams have been crushed, and they want nothing more than to exact revenge against the admissions dean who destroyed their imagined future in the only way they know how: by pointing out the dean’s grammatical and typographical errors in the rejection letter itself, and in other academic works found online.

If you’re wondering what correspondence like that would look like, wonder no more, because we got our hands on it, and boy, is it entertaining…

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Social media is a blessing and a curse. On the plus side, it allows people to share news and easily keep in touch with friends and family. That’s good.

It also allows tools to broadcast their douchebaggery to an even larger audience at the speed of light. That’s bad.

And it allows someone else to create a fake profile and rip that tool anonymously. That’s very good for this site in particular. For instance, now we can debate and ask you to take a reader poll below….

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It says something about you to be labeled as the biggest jerk at Harvard Law School. The school runs on jerks the way Smurfs run on berries. To be universally recognized as the biggest jerk in your class requires an amazing commitment to inhumanity. Think about it: I’m a pretty big jerk, but was I the biggest jerk at HLS while I was there? Please. Kiwi Camara, come on down.

A GQ article by Jason Zengerle yesterday just lit up Ted Cruz over his history of being a giant a$$hole that nobody likes. Josh Marshall from Talking Points Memo, whose wife was at HLS with Cruz, added to the reporting, calling Cruz an “AASS,” which stands for “A$$hole, Arrogant, Super Smart.”

I think a quarter of the HLS class are decent humans who are just trying to get through law school with minimal stress and drama. These are the people who are out there in the world doing good stuff and when somebody says, “Did you know so-and-so went to Harvard?” you’re surprised because they’re such regular, well-adjusted people. A full 50% of the class are impressionable sorts who can access their inner jerk at a moment’s notice. They think they’re decent people with a “dark side,” but actually they’re jerks who don’t have the strength of personality to pull it off all the time. These are the future Biglaw partners of the world.

The last quarter of the class is actively in pursuit of being an AASS. This odious group might go into law or politics or media. They certainly interview with Skadden, but otherwise they don’t last long in Biglaw because they can’t spend 10 years with nobody listening to them. You never for a second do not know which law school they attended.

I think we all know which group I fall into, but my point is that this last group, tallest midgets all, should get its own award named after Ted Cruz…

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So I’m going to smack around a kid right now and it’s going to seem a little mean. He’s something called a “pre-1L” at a little law school most of you have never heard of who is probably just trying to figure out how things work and how to make the most out of his educational experience.

Well, this is how things work. You send out annoying, gunner emails, those emails get sent around the community, and eventually I make fun of you. Here at Above the Law, we’re all about education. This is how people learn.

Don’t worry, I’m a parent now, I know what I’m doing. I’m not going to hurt him. I’m just going to put him in internet “time out,” so he stops emailing with scissors and doesn’t hurt himself for real later…

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Sometimes Yale, you know, Jesus Christ. You guys have a laudable committment to intellectualism and free thinking, but sometimes — to explain this in terms you’ll understand — the relentless egalitarianism mixed with a thinking man’s skepticism reveals a reflexive sense of superiority even as you try to appear post-classist.

In the common tongue, I mean to say that you Yale Law School types are just as crappy and elitist as any other ivy, and that’s never more obvious than when you pretend not to be.

And I can prove it. Another publication was trying to do a fluff piece on “impressive” Yale law students, which is stupid. But the Yalies decided to organize a “boycott” of the fluff piece through their listerv, which is somehow even more self-important and douchey….

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I’ve got better things to do than be in this class right now.

The douchebag has a point. It’s going to be hard for some people to see, what with the kid huffing and puffing and doing all the things that make people hate gunners who spend half of class with their hand in the air. But trust me, at the heart of this story, this kid is making a reasonable point about law school and the value of in-class lectures.

Luckily for us, he’s making that point by acting like a petulant, entitled law student, one who drew the ire of his professor and the ridicule of his classmates.

So, this should be fun for the whole family… .

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If you would all turn to the chapter “On Jewelery” in your official “Being A Man” handbook, the section on rings clearly states, “A man shall only wear rings so earned through championship level athletic achievement, rings signifying a bond of holy matrimony, or rings that others can be forced to kiss in supplication to your rule. There is a limited exception to this rule if you are the protector of Sector 2814.”

Obviously, the rules for women are a little different. But I’m not aware of any situation where it is appropriate for a normally adjusted person to wear a class ring that they purchased from their high school or college.

Wearing a high school class ring tells everybody, “My life peaked at 17 and I’m going to die in the same town I grew up in.”

Wearing a college class ring says, “Just because I can’t make a jump shot or even credibly throw a Frisbee doesn’t mean my accomplishments in the classroom shouldn’t be rewarded. Well, ‘accomplishments’ in the broadest sense, it’s not like I’m a Rhodes Scholar or within shouting distance of the top of my class or anything.”

Wearing a law school class ring should be like putting a magnet on your hand that is irresistibly attracted to your face so you can’t stop punching yourself….

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