Kids

We’ve done a million Brady blogs. Every one of them, we try to put a different spin on why he’s the best. For this, the pictures we had, that was the spin.

— Blogger David Portnoy of Barstool Sports commenting on a visit from the police after he posted a naked picture of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s child on his website.

(Before police arrived, Portnoy received — and ignored — a cease-and-desist letter from none other than supermodel Gisele Bundchen, the child’s mother. Apparently the “spin” here was a comment made in reference to the size of the child’s genitalia, comparing it to that of Brady. The picture has since been removed. Stay classy, Boston.)

When I was a child, my mom’s friend visited the house and brought her newborn baby with her. Without warning, the woman whipped out her boob and began feeding the newborn in front of me and all of God’s creation. I stared for an uncomfortably long ten seconds at the parasitic orgy, then quickly scampered behind the curtains located less than five feet from the feeding frenzy. As I stood behind the curtains, my face beet red with embarrassment, my mother and her friend tried to coax me out, assuring me that everything would be okay. After an unusually long time behind those curtains, I stomped past the horror and made a beeline to the kitchen. I had to conquer my fear. I was also determined to salvage what was left of my 14th birthday party.

Segue.

And so it was that a lady filed a complaint with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, claiming that she was fired from her job as a teacher because she had to leave the classroom to suck milk out of her boob.

Moooooo-re after the jump!

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Back in 2009, some teen girls in Indiana had a sleepover that lived up to any teen boy’s fantasy version of one. After racy photos from the summer slumber party made their way to the principal’s office, two of the athletes in attendance were suspended from school sports for the year. That’s, like, totally unfair, said the ACLU, which helped the students sue the school, alleging violation of their First Amendment right to post slutty photos of themselves online.

The girls took photos of themselves “playing” with “phallic-shaped rainbow colored lollipops,” in the court’s words. It sounds like the oh-so-innocent unicorn horn lollipop to me. Though unicorns are usually associated with purity and virginity, these girls took the horn in a different direction, using it in photo shoots that simulated various sexual positions. I’ll leave the descriptions to the court, which wrote one of the racier opinions [pdf] I’ve ever come across (via Professor Eric Goldman’s Technology and Marketing Law Blog)….

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It’s time to announce the winner of July’s Lawyer of the Month. Actually, it’s well past time to announce the winner of July’s Lawyer of the Month, but I forgot to do it before I went on vacation. Sorry about that. Since it’s late I’ll make this column free.

The winner of the July contest won in a landslide. Regular readers of Above the Law will not be surprised to learn that Elana Nightingale Dawson, a recent law school graduate who went into labor while attempting to pass the bar, won our lawyer of the month poll — even if she’s not yet a practicing attorney. That’s just how we roll around here.

But despite her comfortable margin of victory, Elana Dawson inspired some interesting debates in the comments, debates that merit additional attention….

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Madeline Layla Samaan-Fay, RIP

I think he did the right thing. I’m proud of my brother and now he’s in a better place. He’s at peace. His daughter’s at peace. She’ll have one name now, and we can move on. And hopefully the court will learn a little thing about justice.

Nabil Samaan, a California attorney, commenting on the apparent murder-suicide of niece Madeline Layla Samaan-Fay and brother Mourad “Moni” Samaan. Moni had been in an epic custody battle with ex-wife Marcia Fay, a California deputy attorney general.

Mark Ciavarella, Jr.

Those three words made me the personification of evil. They made me toxic and caused a public uproar the likes of which this community has never seen.

— Former Luzerne County Judge Mark Ciavarella, Jr., commenting on his new moniker as the “Kids for Cash” judge. Today, Ciavarella was sentenced to 28 years for his role in a massive bribery scandal in the Pennsylvania juvenile justice system.

* A jury found Warren Jeffs guilty of sexual assault, confirming that just because there’s grass on the field, it doesn’t mean that you should play ball. [CNN]

* John H. Ray III finally sued Ropes & Gray for treating him like the “token black associate.” That’s only funny on an episode of South Park. [Am Law Daily]

* Evidence in Shaquille O’Neal’s civil racketeering lawsuit has been sealed. Kazaam might have an attitude, but there’s no way he’d ever frame someone for child porn. [South Florida Sun-Sentinel]

* No wire hangers rent-controlled apartments ever! Faye Dunaway: “Can’t evict me, ‘cause I f**cking quit this place. I hope you have a terrible life.” [New York Times]

* Lil Wayne might have some trouble making ladies’ beds rock after being served with this $15M copyright infringement lawsuit. [The Juice / Billboard]

* Christian Louboutin won a small victory against Yves Saint Laurent in court. Maybe soon YSL will be as red with embarrassment as the soles the fashion house tried to copy. [Styleite]

Best un-Photoshopped picture ever?

* Dreamboard is a pretty sick concept for a child porn website, but pedophiles are pretty sick people. At least we busted most of them. [CNN]

* The reports of a possible settlement in the Robert Wone case turned out to be true. Too bad we’ll never know the terms of the deal. [Blog of Legal Times]

* Casey Anthony doesn’t have to return to Orlando because it’s about as dangerous for her to be there as it was for a toddler to be in her home. [People]

* As it turns out, a lawyer was behind the largest Ponzi scheme in the history of Arkansas. I guess that’s an accomplishment he can stick on his résumé. [Arkansas News]

* Sorry, Faye, but sometimes washed up movie stars get threatened with eviction. Even if their rent-controlled apartments are “really quite gross.” [Reuters]

* Thanks to a January incident at Osgoode Hall Law School, SlutWalk is coming to San Francisco. Say it loud, we’re sluts and we’re proud! [Huffington Post]

Thomas Walkley

Earlier this year, we told you the strange tale of Thomas Walkley. A lawyer in Ohio, Walkley founded and runs Cafe 41:11, a coffeeshop for at-risk youth. Back in January, Walkley was accused of exposing himself to two teenage boys who applied to work at the cafe.

Walkley admitted showing his junk to the teens, but claimed that it was done for educational and mentoring purposes. Guys at my all-boys Catholic high school used to educate and mentor me all the time, it was no big deal.

The authorities didn’t buy Walkley’s argument. They tried to take him to trial.

Now we have some updates on Tom Walkley — plus comments given to Above the Law by a mother whose teenage son worked for Walkley at Cafe 41:11….

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It’s been almost a month since our last post on law-related vanity license plates. We got a great response to our call for photos, but we could always use some more. So, if you’re a fan of the Law License Plates series, please send in your photos via email (subject line: “Vanity License Plate”).

Both of these submissions came to us from my current home state: Massachusetts. In case you didn’t know, this will be my fifth year in the good old Commonwealth, land of some of the worst drivers in the world. And after seeing these vanity license plates, I am even more excited to leave.

Looking at these plates was a bit like looking into a crystal ball. Are you ready to see your future?

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