Penis

[T]his might be a helpful alert to lawyers who are hiring someone to try to promote their sites: It’s possible that the promotion might consist of behavior that is par for the course for purported penis enlargement products, but not really in keeping with the sort of reputation that lawyers generally seek to cultivate.

– Professor Eugene Volokh, issuing a warning to lawyers that hire outside companies to promote their law firm websites using spam blog comments.

It's a trap!

Here at Above the Law, it seems like we’ve got a running repository on all of the strange things that employees can do to be fired from their jobs. And whether it’s legal or illegal for an employer to do so, we love to report on these firings, because some of them are pretty hysterical.

For example, we mentioned in Morning Docket that a man claimed he was fired for his love of strippers and prostitutes. Hell, a law firm supposedly fired a receptionist for reporting to jury duty. As all of our readers know, one of Kasowitz Benson’s finest was allegedly fired for his “superior legal mind.”

And now, we have a story of a woman who was allegedly fired for wearing a fake penis to work….

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “It’s All Fun and Games Until a Fake Penis Gets You Fired”

Lenny Dykstra

Lenny Dykstra was once a famous for being a scrappy center fielder for the Mets and the Phillies. Now he’s more famous for taking the same scrappy approach with the law. In January, Dykstra was accused of sexual assault by his housekeeper. In May, Dykstra was indicted for bankruptcy fraud. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

No charges were brought against the former ball player for sexual assault earlier in the year. In fact, Dykstra cracked jokes about the accusation, quipping: “If she was assaulted on Saturdays, I’m a ballerina dancer on Sundays.” But now it’s time for this twinkle toes to batter up, because apparently Dykstra really likes his housekeepers.

I’m starting to notice a trend here with men and their illicit love for housekeepers. So, what has Nails been nailed with now?

Read more at Dealbreaker….

MILF?

* From one “evil” and “pathetic” woman to another: Dominique Strauss-Kahn is leaving the U.S., but he’ll say bonjour to another rape complaint when he returns to France. [Bloomberg]

* Casey Anthony is probably going to owe Florida law enforcement agencies more than a quarter of a million dollars, but even porn companies won’t touch her. How’s she going to pay? [CNN]

* You think people would still use Match.com if they were bragging about having more rapes than any other website? Because of this lawsuit, the site will now screen for sex offenders. [ABC News]

* I see London, I see France, I see cancer down your pants. Having your penis amputated sucks, but losing the lawsuit over it sucks even more. Needless to say, this guy is appealing. [Daily Mail]

* Two Manhattan women have literally gone batsh*t crazy, and they’re suing over it. With rent so high, you shouldn’t have to get a rabies shot just to live there. [New York Post]

Albert Haynesworth III

Albert Haynesworth III

* Does your fledgling company need a full-time general counsel? Lance Levy lays out some considerations. [In-House Blog]

* Why is Marc Randazza “the most inappropriate man in the world”? Well, how many briefs have you filed with phallus-filled footnotes? (Say that last part ten times fast.) [Popehat]

* New England Patriots defensive tackle Albert Haynesworth pleads no contest to simple assault, averting a trial for misdemeanor sexual abuse. [ESPN]

* Looking for a job in legal academia? Get to know the members of the hiring committee! [PrawfsBlawg]

* “Federal Filing of the Day: Nebraska Man Says He Left Baylor With GPS Sewn in Armpit.” [Unfair Park / Dallas Observer]

Ashley Alexandra Dupré, Eliot Spitzer's former paramour.

* Eliot Spitzer gets hit with a libel lawsuit seeking $60 million. That’s worth how many hours of Ashley Alexandra Dupré? [New York Observer]

* Congratulations to Ted Frank and his colleagues at the Center for Class Action Fairness on their latest victory — which appears to represent “the first time the Ninth Circuit has vacated approval of a class action settlement since 2003.” [Center for Class Action Fairness]

* Elsewhere in the Ninth Circuit, justice delayed turns out to be justice denied for a prisoner who died while waiting over five years for a federal district judge to rule on his habeas petition. (The magistrate judge had already recommended granting relief.) [Los Angeles Times]

* I’m sure the soon-to-be first-year associates out there could use this guide on who to bill their hours to. [Going Concern]

* Everybody has advice for when lawyers should step back and remain calm. When is the appropriate time for lawyers to freak out, start screaming and pounding things, and run around saying “we’re all gonna die!”? I mean, I try to do that at least once a week and it makes me feel so centered. [Tips for Young Lawyers]

* As the son of a Haitian immigrant, I do have some Creole roots. But I think it would be awesome to be full-on French for at least one day. I’d definitely have sex with a hotel maid, pee on an airplane, and find a German to surrender to. [Times of Malta]

* True story: when I was a kid, I thought the difference between white men and black men was their hair. So like, a brother with relaxed hair like Al Sharpton was “white” to me, and a guy with a big Jew-fro was “black” to me. I didn’t learn my error, until I walked that nice Jewish girl home from school that one time and saw the look on her parents’ faces. [Gawker]

* I don’t think a lawsuit can sufficiently capture what should happen to a doctor who incorrectly amputates a penis. Next time I go in for surgery I’m writing “do not remove under any circumstance” on that bad boy. Yeah, it’ll fit. [MSNBC]

We’ve done a million Brady blogs. Every one of them, we try to put a different spin on why he’s the best. For this, the pictures we had, that was the spin.

— Blogger David Portnoy of Barstool Sports commenting on a visit from the police after he posted a naked picture of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s child on his website.

(Before police arrived, Portnoy received — and ignored — a cease-and-desist letter from none other than supermodel Gisele Bundchen, the child’s mother. Apparently the “spin” here was a comment made in reference to the size of the child’s genitalia, comparing it to that of Brady. The picture has since been removed. Stay classy, Boston.)

En garde, esquire!

Ladies, admit it. Sometimes you dream of going back in time to the days where damsels in distress were rescued by swashbuckling romantics on noble steeds. But in today’s day and age, there seems to be a shortage of heroic knights. And that’s mostly because the crop of men with swords handy leave certain things to be desired — things like good looks, social skills, and the ability to refrain from speaking in Elvish.

But when we heard about Terry Lee Locy, a Florida lawyer educated at the University of Miami School of Law, we thought that maybe this self-described “popular young gentleman known for his quick wit and his athletic physique” could assist his sword-wielding brethren. After all, the last guy we wrote about who was into medieval attire and sharp objects has been accused of murder.

But alas, Terry Locy will be unable to act as the great redeemer for this generation’s battalion of renaissance men. Facing counts of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and domestic violence battery, he could be sent to his kingdom’s dungeon for up to five years.

Why? Because he’s accused of challenging his girlfriend to a naked duel….

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Lawyer of the Day: A Renaissance Man Who Might Like Naked Sword Fights”

Ex-Judge Thompson: not looking well.

Oh goodness. Today is shaping up to be “Misbehaving Judges Day” here at Above the Law.

One judge, new to these pages, is accused of a serious crime: rape. And supposedly there’s a video of the alleged act.

A second judge (or former judge), who should be familiar to many of you — Donald Thompson, aka the “penis pump” judge — has been hit with fresh criminal charges.

Let’s look at the allegations against the two men….

double red triangle arrows Continue reading “Judges Behaving Badly? A Slew of Lurid Allegations”

* Wait, having your boss walk in screaming “Penis, Penis, Penis” doesn’t happen in every place of business? [Jezebel]

* Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s case has been adjourned until August. [Thomson Reuters]

* Yeah, well I told the phone what to do, so maybe I’m the “smart” one, and the phone has just gotten better at listening to me. [iPhone J.D.]

* One of TaxProf Blog’s readers offered to donate a kidney to Adjunct Law Prof’s daughter. Would that have been considered as income? Here at Above the Law, we just want your eyes. [TaxProf Blog]

* When life gives you lemons, you probably shouldn’t do what this 79-year-old child toucher allegedly did, which was basically the equivalent of making lemonAIDS under Megan’s Law. [Deadspin]

* It’s 7/11, so there are free slurpees at 7-11. In solidarity, Above the Law declares that this is one day where Kirkland & Ellis associates can slurp their firm without being made fun of. [Slurpee]

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