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Non-Sequiturs: 08.17.11

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* I’m sure the soon-to-be first-year associates out there could use this guide on who to bill their hours to. [Going Concern]

* Everybody has advice for when lawyers should step back and remain calm. When is the appropriate time for lawyers to freak out, start screaming and pounding things, and run around saying “we’re all gonna die!”? I mean, I try to do that at least once a week and it makes me feel so centered. [Tips for Young Lawyers]

* As the son of a Haitian immigrant, I do have some Creole roots. But I think it would be awesome to be full-on French for at least one day. I’d definitely have sex with a hotel maid, pee on an airplane, and find a German to surrender to. [Times of Malta]

* True story: when I was a kid, I thought the difference between white men and black men was their hair. So like, a brother with relaxed hair like Al Sharpton was “white” to me, and a guy with a big Jew-fro was “black” to me. I didn’t learn my error, until I walked that nice Jewish girl home from school that one time and saw the look on her parents’ faces. [Gawker]

* I don’t think a lawsuit can sufficiently capture what should happen to a doctor who incorrectly amputates a penis. Next time I go in for surgery I’m writing “do not remove under any circumstance” on that bad boy. Yeah, it’ll fit. [MSNBC]

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Quote of the Day: You Know What They Say About Big Shoes

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We’ve done a million Brady blogs. Every one of them, we try to put a different spin on why he’s the best. For this, the pictures we had, that was the spin.

— Blogger David Portnoy of Barstool Sports commenting on a visit from the police after he posted a naked picture of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady’s child on his website.

(Before police arrived, Portnoy received — and ignored — a cease-and-desist letter from none other than supermodel Gisele Bundchen, the child’s mother. Apparently the “spin” here was a comment made in reference to the size of the child’s genitalia, comparing it to that of Brady. The picture has since been removed. Stay classy, Boston.)

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Lawyer of the Day: A Renaissance Man Who Might Like Naked Sword Fights

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En garde, esquire!

Ladies, admit it. Sometimes you dream of going back in time to the days where damsels in distress were rescued by swashbuckling romantics on noble steeds. But in today’s day and age, there seems to be a shortage of heroic knights. And that’s mostly because the crop of men with swords handy leave certain things to be desired — things like good looks, social skills, and the ability to refrain from speaking in Elvish.

But when we heard about Terry Lee Locy, a Florida lawyer educated at the University of Miami School of Law, we thought that maybe this self-described “popular young gentleman known for his quick wit and his athletic physique” could assist his sword-wielding brethren. After all, the last guy we wrote about who was into medieval attire and sharp objects has been accused of murder.

But alas, Terry Locy will be unable to act as the great redeemer for this generation’s battalion of renaissance men. Facing counts of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and domestic violence battery, he could be sent to his kingdom’s dungeon for up to five years.

Why? Because he’s accused of challenging his girlfriend to a naked duel….

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Judges Behaving Badly? A Slew of Lurid Allegations

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Ex-Judge Thompson: not looking well.

Oh goodness. Today is shaping up to be “Misbehaving Judges Day” here at Above the Law.

One judge, new to these pages, is accused of a serious crime: rape. And supposedly there’s a video of the alleged act.

A second judge (or former judge), who should be familiar to many of you — Donald Thompson, aka the “penis pump” judge — has been hit with fresh criminal charges.

Let’s look at the allegations against the two men….

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Non-Sequiturs: 07.11.11

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* Wait, having your boss walk in screaming “Penis, Penis, Penis” doesn’t happen in every place of business? [Jezebel]

* Dominique Strauss-Kahn’s case has been adjourned until August. [Thomson Reuters]

* Yeah, well I told the phone what to do, so maybe I’m the “smart” one, and the phone has just gotten better at listening to me. [iPhone J.D.]

* One of TaxProf Blog’s readers offered to donate a kidney to Adjunct Law Prof’s daughter. Would that have been considered as income? Here at Above the Law, we just want your eyes. [TaxProf Blog]

* When life gives you lemons, you probably shouldn’t do what this 79-year-old child toucher allegedly did, which was basically the equivalent of making lemonAIDS under Megan’s Law. [Deadspin]

* It’s 7/11, so there are free slurpees at 7-11. In solidarity, Above the Law declares that this is one day where Kirkland & Ellis associates can slurp their firm without being made fun of. [Slurpee]

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Circumcision, Anti-Semitism, and You

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Ask the Tooth Fairy, son.

The phone’s been ringing off the hook here at the Circumcision Law Desk all weekend, so I apologize in advance if this post comes off sounding a bit distracted. Oftentimes, the intersection of foreskin and law is a lonely corridor filled with nothing but shattered dreams and crying babies.

A screaming anti-semitism comes across the sky.

Over the weekend, the New York Times published an article that did a pretty good job of illuminating where we are at in the pitched legal battle over circumcision. As mentioned at the end of the last dispatch from the Circumcision Law Desk, the forces of full-bodied penises have turned their attention to passing legislation that outlaws circumcision.

As Elie pointed out two weeks ago, San Franciscans will be voting this fall on whether to ban circumcision. And they’re not alone.

After the jump, find out what happens when people stop being polite and start trying to pass laws that outlaw circumcision and, in the process, piss off an entire religion (and blogger Andrew Sullivan)….

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Lawyer of the Day: The Foreskin Restorer

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Gone baby gone.

It’s been pretty slow here at the Above the Law circumcision law desk. So slow, in fact, that Lat has considered putting me on another assignment: “There’s just not enough news surrounding the intersection of foreskin and the legal community. While I appreciate your enthusiasm for the amusing dong beat…I don’t know if the financials can possibly justify keeping you on.”

Every time he starts in on this speech, I have to break out a photo of 16 vaguely ethnic kids that I claim to take care of. This happens at least twice a week.

So you can imagine how excited I was to find this fascinating tale that might shock and amaze you. It’s the story of a full-time lawyer and part-time exhibitionist named….

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Lawsuit of the Day: You Mad? Circumcised Baby Edition

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Gone baby gone.

Protip: Don’t look up the Wikipedia entry for foreskin. Don’t do it even if you have to write a post about a baby who was given a circumcision against his parents’ wishes. Vera Delgado, the baby’s mother, had left the hospital to shower and get a change of clothes. Just long enough for Nurse Ratched and the gang to do the do. Delgado’s lawyer, Spencer Aronfeld, summed up the understandable reaction:

“It was horrific, quite frankly,” said Aronfeld. “The parents were very explicit they did not want him circumcised, and [the hospital] had asked the parents repeatedly.”

Since announcing Delgado would sue, Aronfeld said he has received countless supportive e-mail messages and seen social network postings from so-called “intactivists” who oppose circumcision.

“People who are passionate about not circumcising their children are sending me Facebook messages, like, “I love you. You are my hero!”

So the mother is suing the hospital. Of course (not of course), we all remember from law school (from Google) that Benjamin Cardozo wrote the seminal opinion in which an unwanted surgical procedure was legally classified as battery. And that’s exactly what the mother is suing the hospital for. All fine and well. Somebody messed up, and “Oops!” isn’t going to cut it.

But it’s not the dollar amount of $1 million that jumps out from the story….

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Non-Sequiturs: 12.15.09

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Lean on Me.JPG* “They used to call me Crazy Joe, now they can call me the Batman.” [Bad Lawyer]

* Is it really so hard to imagine that young, talented, hard-working individuals would rather start their careers instead of sitting around for a year while being fed $80,000 to stunt their professional growth? [The Economist]

* E-marriage sounds like a terrible idea, for alcoholics. [Ideoblog]

* Wild and crazy CPAs. [What About Clients?]

* Notorious lawyers of 2009. [Business Insider]

* Humor is everywhere around you. [Lowering the Bar]

* Former Biglaw lawyer has problem washing baby’s penis. Sounds about right. [Babies in the Wild]

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Judge Donald Thompson: Underneath His Robe

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Donald Thompson Judge penis pump Above the Law.JPGJudge Donald Thompson — remember him? The Oklahoma state court judge who was packing a penis pump underneath that robe? Well, here’s the latest development in his fall from grace:

A former judge convicted of exposing himself while presiding over jury trials by using a sexual device under his robe was sentenced Friday to four years in prison….

At his trial this summer, his former court reporter, Lisa Foster, testified that she saw Thompson expose himself at least 15 times during trial between 2001 and 2003. Prosecutors said he also used a device known as a penis pump during at least four trials in the same period….

Police built a case against the judge after a police officer testifying in a 2003 murder trial saw a piece of plastic tubing disappear under Thompson’s robe. During a lunch break, officers took photographs of the pump under the desk.

Investigators later checked the carpet, Thompson’s robes and the chair behind the bench and found semen, according to court records.

“All rise,” indeed.

Judge Gets 4 Years for Exposing Himself [Associated Press]

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