Summer associate programs will be wrapping up soon. May the offer rates be ever in your favor.
As programs finish, we hope to hear some interesting tales of summer associate fun. This year, as in previous post-recession years, it seems that summers are playing it pretty close to the vest. Programs are smaller, and people are more terrified about not getting an offer thanks to the bleak 3L hiring market.
To prime the pump a little bit, we have a summer associate story from a good firm in flyover country that shall remain nameless. It’s more humorous than scandalous, particularly as it involves summer-on-summer inappropriateness.
Why would a lawyer think that being a lawyer would help him get into this place?
I get it, having to stand in line to get into a club is annoying. It’s emasculating. You feel if you were more famous or important or rich, you’d be let in right away. And usually you’re right. Standing in line for a club is like public confirmation that you are not that cool.
But let me tell you something, saying “I’m a lawyer” doesn’t make you cool. In fact, it creates a rebuttable presumption that you are an uncool d-bag who says things like “rebuttable presumption.” Certainly, flashing your little “lawyer badge” that you got from the prosecutor’s or attorney general’s office is not going to help you cut in line. You really think these bouncers want your judgmental and probably litigious ass up in their clubs?
Earlier this year, we had a Florida prosecutor you tried to use his badge to get into a strip club. Now we have another Floridan who thinks being a lawyer should get him ahead, but instead it just got him arrested…
Imagine this: You graduated from a middling law school at the top of your class, and you somehow managed to land a job at a Biglaw firm that’s notorious for laying people off. You’ve kept your job there because you’re incredibly intelligent. You’re an actual law firm 10. In fact, you’re beautiful. You seem to have everything going for you.
There’s just one little problem. It’s your husband. You see, he kind of had sex with an underage girl in your bed — numerous times. But like many of the wives of New York politicians and public figures who “strayed and only thought with the lower half of [their] body,” you’re standing by your man, because… why? Your husband is neither of those things; he’s just a teacher who banged a student.
One of the more entertaining SNL skits ever was “The Ladies Man.” Tim Meadows portrayed “Leon Phelps,” a call-in show host with all the right (read: cheesy and/or sketchy) answers for your romantic queries.
And then it followed SNL tradition by becoming a really awful movie. Sigh.
But perhaps the tradition of Leon Phelps lived on in a Biglaw mailroom, where allegations have surfaced that a supervisor might have penned erotic poetry to woo an underling.
Let’s crack open a bottle of Courvoisier and check it out…
Law schools aren’t known for being sexy, with the rare exception of the libraries at both Brooklyn Law (featuring half-nude models) and Cornell Law (featuring a girl pleasuring herself; take a look — with caution, because it’s definitely not safe for work). But as with all things, sometimes even law schools can surprise us with their willingness to enter the sex game.
Are you into leather? What’s your fetish, baby? You know, besides moving up in the U.S. News law school rankings…
If you don’t live in the South, you may never have been to a Waffle House. Before anyone points out that Waffle House has a number of locations in the North these days, you’re wrong — anywhere with a Waffle House is automatically the South. It’s the new Mason-Dixon line.
In any event, the Waffle House is a chain of greasy spoons that consumes more lard than most countries and offers trainee positions to law students.
The Chairman of Waffle House, Joe Rogers Jr., is in a Georgia courtroom because his housekeeper accused him of demanding sex acts from her over the course of her eight years of service. Rogers has admitted to the affair — which was a gimme because nothing associated with a Waffle House has been cleaned since 1985 — but denies that he forced his maid to give him a half and half with his coffee.
While the case is not over, Rogers has scored a critical victory…
A disturbing video is making its way around social media today. It’s a six-minute family court video from August 2011 of a woman who complains that a marshal sexually assaulted her in a back room. The woman becomes increasingly agitated as the marshal, who is in the courtroom, then arrests her for “making false allegations about a police officer,” all while the magistrate plays with the woman’s child, at least until the child begs the arresting officer to not take her momma away.
It’s really tough to watch. Even I became emotional while watching the clip. And the marshal has since been dismissed. Most of the internet outrage is focused on the cop. Me, I can honestly say that after watching this I wish nothing but the absolute worst for Clark County Hearings Master Patricia Doninger. I think I’d rather see Edith Jones on the Supreme freaking Court than have this person “preside” over a game of Family Feud, much less be within shouting distance of a family court…
Sarah Jones — perhaps better known as the modern day Mary Kay Letourneau, but sexier — is now engaged to the student with whom she once had an illicit, illegal relationship, while he was still under the age of consent.
In case you you’ve forgotten about her, Sarah Jones once inspired many a wet dream during her time as high school teacher who moonlighted as a cheerleader for the Cincinnati Bengals. Her world came crashing down when TheDirty.com, a gossip site, alleged that she’d slept with all the players on the Bengals and had STDs. Shortly thereafter, she was indicted for sleeping with a student. Jones sued TheDirty.com for defamation, and months after she copped a plea on sexual misconduct charges in her criminal case, the civil case ended in a mistrial.
With all of those loose ends kind of sort of tied up, Jones’s tiger cub apparently decided it was a perfect time to pounce and put a ring on it…
Hey, have you read Above the Law for like one single minute in the past month? If so, you probably know that we’re having this big blogger conference on March 14th at the Yale Club. Yeah, the Yale Club. You’ll be able to recognize me: I’ll be the only big… blogger guy surreptitiously holding a can of crimson spray-paint.
Speaking of coming, you should come. We’ve got CLE and all that. Click here to buy tickets to get CLE credit for listening to bloggers scream about stuff on the internet.
To refresh your memory, details on the panel that I’m moderating — almost entirely sober, mind you — follow.
My panel is called Blogs as Agents of Change, and we’re going to talk about whether all of these spilled pixels are actually making a difference. You know my view… just ask Lawrence Mitchell, but here are the panelists:
So you spent a considerable amount of time courting, selling and maybe even doing some friendly stalking of that attractive lateral partner candidate with a sizable book. After he or she ignored your emails and didn’t return your calls, a few weeks go by and you read a press release in the legal media announcing the recent move to a competing firm.
Rats. Another one got away from you. You cringe when you consider how much time was spent in meetings that did not bear fruit. Your heart aches when recall how you were led to believe this was a marriage made in heaven.
You have been rejected.
The sting of rejection is painful, even for fancy law firms. But you need to find a way that you can turn this disappointment into a legitimate learning experience.
No, this isn’t a pre-party before we come back next fall for the real thing. This IS the real thing. Quinn Emanuel is pushing the envelope on recruiting. The party is now. This is when you meet the partners and associates face to face. This is when we begin the dance that could land you an offer for your second summer BEFORE school starts in the fall.
First: You come to the party. Second: If you like us, you send your resume after June 1, 2014. Third: If we like each other, you get an offer.
We’re not waiting for fall. We’re not doing the twenty minute thing. This party is the real thing!
We hope you’ll join us, and look forward to meeting you.
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