Sports

How to Get Fired From Your Job as General Counsel to an NFL Team

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He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.

It’s playoff time in the National Football League. Fun times. This year’s playoffs are more intense than usual, since Tim Tebow is probably the only conservative who can challenge Obama this fall.

I’m a Tim Tebow convert. Sure, if Tim Tebow were black, he’d be a back-up tight end, but that’s not a reason to hate on Tebow. He wins football games. What more do you want from him? There aren’t a lot of elite quarterbacks in the NFL. Tebow’s not elite, but he wins games. Wouldn’t you rather roll the dice with the Tebow show than going with the practiced mediocrity of Kevin Kolb, or Colt McCoy, or David Garrard? I honestly think that Tebow gets a lot of hate because so many people passed on Tebow to go with guys like that.

Jacksonville did. Tebow is a god in Florida (I mean, Tebow threw for 316 prophetic yards last night, so I do not rule out the possibility that he’s a God everywhere), and he was sitting there in the draft when Jacksonville was starting David Garrard and they passed on him. Now, the Jacksonville Jaguars have a new owner. Coincidence?

In fairness, the Jaguars seem to be a terribly run organization. It appears that even the Jags’ lawyers can’t get it together. The new owner reportedly removed the team’s general counsel for something that looks like an unforgivable error for a lawyer to make….

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Morning Docket: 01.09.12

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* Is the Roberts court really as pro-First Amendment as we’ve been led to believe? Lawyers aren’t really that good at math, but they’ve done studies, you know. And 34.5% of the time, it works every time. [New York Times]

* The people at the ABA aren’t concerned that William Robinson’s remarks made him seem like a tactless tool. Instead, they’re concerned that his “quotes were used out of context.” [Thomson Reuters News & Insight]

* Duncan Law wants the ABA to remove a memo denying the school’s provisional accreditation from its website. Why? So students will keep applying and paying them tuition money. At least they’re being honest. [Knoxville News Sentinel]

* Montgomery Sibley, whose license to practice is suspended, is running for president and suing “Barrack” Obama. Well, that’s a unique way to establish standing in a birther lawsuit. [Huffington Post]

Prof. Hans Smit

* Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy your way out of jail. Just ask Floyd Mayweather. Thanks to this judge, he’ll be fighting someone other than his ex on Cinco de Drinko. [Washington Post]

* Hans Smit, beloved Columbia Law professor (and owner of a $29 million mansion), RIP. [Columbia Law School]

* The actress suing IMDb has finally been unmasked. I’ve never heard of her, but she’s probably suing for more than she’s ever made in her B-movie Z-movie career. [New York Daily News]

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Non-Sequiturs: 12.21.11

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Susan Finkelstein is NOT a prostitute! Is that clear? NOT a prostitute.

* A Pennsylvania appeals court ruled that selling sex for Phillies tickets doesn’t make you a prostitute. She was already a Phillies fan, so calling her a whore was redundant. [Legal Blog Watch]

* Occupy Wall Street is looking for a few good accountants. Man, they are about six months from telling us that some of us are more equal than others. [Going Concern]

* If the mainstream media is afraid of speaking out against the TSA, it’s only because they’ve gotten used to simply regurgitating the spin fed to them by their precious government sources. [Popehat]

Congrats to Ronan Farrow and all the other members of the Forbes 30 Under 30 list.

* If this is what Forbes is publishing for its “30 Under 30 in Law & Policy,” then Above the Law should publish “20 Legal Leaders Under 20.” Look, here’s a college freshman who takes color-coded notes, keeps an extra raised hand in her purse, and has no womb — she’s a future SCOTUS justice! [Forbes]

* Move over, Memoirs of a Geisha; make way for Memoirs of a Gunner. [Smashwords]

* An interesting look at how five federal circuit courts manage their caseloads, by Marin Levy. [Jotwell: Courts Law and SSRN]

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Ways and Means of Mass Distraction

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Thoreau admonished us that we cannot “kill time without injuring eternity.” But what did he know? That proto-hippie pond-fetishist could not have imagined today’s world, where our collective attention spans have shriveled to goldfish levels and so much actual productive white-collar labor can be, to an observer, indistinguishable from simply loitering in front of a computer screen. Unless someone is looking over your shoulder, nobody knows whether you’re on PACER or playing Angry Birds.

We asked you, the ATL readership, where you turn for distraction when you don’t feel like billing or studying. The results of our research poll, after the jump….

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Non-Sequiturs: 12.20.12

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Herman Cain: Do you miss him yet?

* It’d be easy to say “a former Tea Party candidate posted about assassinating the President.” But it’s probably more accurate to say a crazy, racist, loony person scrawled something naughty on Facebook and is now in trouble. [Huffington Post]

* I’d like to buy this, and then use it to TP Herman Cain’s house while screaming, “It’s less complicated than your sex life!” [Tax Prof Blog]

* I wonder if, a generation from now, people will look back on Citizens United like Plessy v. Ferguson. Like, there will still be a few holdouts saying, “money is speech now, money is speech forever,” but most of society will have moved on to a more enlightened state. [Congressman John Yarmuth]

In my lifetime, Kobe has been one of the most fun players to not like.

* Maybe all we need is a simple Constitutional amendment clarifying that “only people are people.” Corporations are not people. Animals are not people. Artificially intelligent robots who one day rise up to threaten humanity’s existence are not people. [Miller-McCune]

* Oh, Kobe. When you beat a rape rap yet still have to publicly admit you bang hoteliers in Vail, you should just get divorced right then and there. No number of diamond nor championship rings is going to put that back together. She’s still going to kill you in the divorce, and all you’ve bought yourself is a few extra years of living with a woman who openly hates you. [L.A. Now via ABA Journal]

* You think bloggers suffer from group think too much? I vote for 2012 being the year when the mainstream media stops stealing story ideas from the blogs (without credit), and does some actual original reporting again. You know, like they are supposed to with their huge staffs and massive budgets. [What About Clients?]

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Quote of the Day: Wait, Who Should We Call?

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I suggest you dial 1-800-REALITY.

– Joe Amendola, attorney for accused child predator Jerry Sandusky, suggesting in a press conference held earlier today that a reality check was in order for anyone who believes Mike McQueary witnessed a rape, reported it, and nothing was done about it.

(So what is 1-800-REALITY? It’s pretty amazing, actually. Find out after the jump.)

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Can We Just Make the BCS Title Game a Court Observed Holiday? For the SEC at Least?

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The BCS National Title game pits the LSU Tigers against the Alabama Crimson Tide. The game takes place on Monday, January 9th.

It is unlikely that any work will be done in the states of Louisiana or Alabama on January 9th. Here are the dates for the next few BCS title games. It is unlikely that any work will be done in at least one state who has a school in the Southeast Conference.

SEC schools play for national championships in part because SEC fans take football so damn seriously. It’s not just a sport down there — it’s more like SEC fans cling to their guns and religion because they never know when either will help their team win a football game.

Why expect them to come to work on National Championship day? Or court? It’s just cruel. It’s regionalist. It just means we’re going to have slews of motions to continue like this one from an LSU fan who happens to be a lawyer in his spare time….

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Judge Kozinski Occupies Oakland

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These days, mentioning the California city of Oakland conjures up images of tear gas and violence. It’s not a place that people associate with innocent fun right now.

But Oakland isn’t all protesters and police. We bring you a report from a recent visitor to that city, Chief Judge Alex Kozinski, of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit….

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Morning Docket: 11.22.11

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* You know what, screw the neighborhood. There goes the freakin’ country. Congress’s bipartisan, not-so-super committee has failed to reach an agreement for a deficit reduction deal. [CNN]

* “When the government takes action . . . there are legal limits to what they can do.” And one of those limits is that they can’t screw over any of the AIG shareholders, right, Maurice? [New York Times]

* While NBA players were busy consolidating their antitrust suits in Minnesota, David Boies was being called out by the NBA’s general counsel. Keep it on the in court, Buchanan. [USA Today]

* Remember that time we got arrested at an Occupy Wall Street protest and then sued over it? Probably not the kind of story you want to reminisce about with your future husband. [Bloomberg]

* There are only so many jokes one can make about Justin Bieber. Bottom line: this fetus took a paternity test, and we’re going to find out soon if he’s a baby-daddy. [New York Daily News]

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Non-Sequiturs: 11.16.11

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* Happy American Censorship Day! Sign these petitions in celebration so you can keep your internet the way you like it — full of infringing and fabulous content. [Volokh Conspiracy]

* A prospective law student got married at Zuccotti Park this weekend. Best protest wedding ever? I guess the honeymoon ended after they were evicted. [The Stir]

* Before you waste your tears crying over how much your fantasy team sucks, you should probably check and see whether it’s even legal to play. [Legal Blitz]

* Chase is giving away over $3M in grants for small charities, so why not take a second and vote for our friends over at Ms. JD? [Chase Community Giving]

* Using free beer to lure criminals into an arrest trap should be a violation of your right against self-incrimination. They should at least be able to drink it before the cuffs go on. [Legal Blog Watch]

* Have you ever wondered why barristers wear black? Yeah, neither have I. [Futility Closet]

* The attorneys for Justin Bieber’s alleged baby mama, Mariah Yeater, have pulled out. Just like the Biebs should’ve done. Allegedly. [Improper]

* Regular twelve-step programs are for the uninspired. Here’s one that only true professionals will be able to survive. [Constitutional Daily]

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