Sexism, Women's Issues

3 Biggest Reasons Men Should Fear Women In Charge

When women run things, things get worse for men. Fact.

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It’s a weird day behind the scenes at Above the Law today. Lat is off at a conference. Joe is flying to a conference on a plane with beds on it. I’m at (click HERE MOTHERF**KERS) and also ( HERE, I practice many styles). The women of ATL (who have names, I’ve been told) are running the show. Granted, they do that most days, but today there’s no MAN around to decrease their efficiency.

Anyway, that got me to thinking, what would it be like if women were running law firms at levels anywhere approaching their representation in law schools? As most of you know, women represent over 50% of students in law school. But when it comes to equity partnerships in firms, most of those promising female law students get Raptured and transubstantiated into talking incubators, or are systematically discriminated against until they leave the profession. You know, one or the other.

Well, I think men wouldn’t much like working at Thoughts, Hugs, and Feelings, LLP. Maybe women would run law firms just the same as men, but maybe they wouldn’t! And as we all know, CHANGE IS BAD.

So… if it pleases and sparkles, I’ve come up with the three most obvious problems with female leadership, if you are a guy.

1. Performance Review Would Take 15 Hours And Peer Into Your Soul

I once had a performance review that went like this:

BOSS: You’re doing a good job.
ME: Thanks.
BOSS: Okay. I gotta take this call.

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Needless to say, that reviewer was a man. We did not talk about ways to improve my work product. We did not talk about the panic attack I had a few months earlier. IT WASN’T A TALK. He wasn’t my buddy. Or my Dad. He was a dude in a suit who authorized my time sheets.

Female bosses, man, do they look like they’re willing to talk to you more. They look like they care, even when they don’t… especially when they don’t. When I don’t want to talk to my wife, I try not to make eye contact. Eyes are where the feelings are. But you can’t not look your boss in the eye or you look like a shifty employee. So you’re going to sit on one side of the desk, looking into those big girl eyes, and the next thing you know, you are going to end up talking to her like she is your wife because f**k if you know how to relate to women in any context other than one in which you might get laid.

And your female boss will just sit there, looking at you, without giving you the common courtesy of telling you to STFU and get the hell out of her office. She’ll ramble on about your work product, when all you want to know is what to buy your estranged daughter for her birthday. It will suck.

And after she hands you a tissue, she won’t even be able to give you that “good at-bat” slap on the butt that you’ve come to expect from authority figures that tells you its all okay. SO THERE WILL BE NO CLOSURE!

You want “feedback” and “professional development,” sure, go ahead and have a woman boss. If you want to get the hell out of that office without seriously having to examine your motives or behavior, stick with the dudes.

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2. You Won’t Even Know Where To Look

Do you know how hard it is to even know how to use your EYES when you have a female boss? Here’s the internal monologue happening at every meeting ever:

“Let me look at my notes before… WHOA, that’s an interesting top. Am I even supposed to be looking at those? Probably not. Maybe just peripherally. Wait, was that a nipple? I think I saw a nipple. Is she smiling at me? Her lips are moving… oh, s**t, she’s been talking all this time. I’m a terrible person for letting this distract me. Just. Focus. Notes notes notes. OH COME ON, that is totally a nipple maybe!”

You can get away with that when it’s a colleague or some girl you know. But when she’s your boss? You’re screwed. If your eyes aren’t unrelentingly affixed on a couple of random orbs on her forehead parts, you’re the asshole.

Women bosses can turn a subtle shift in posture and the damn near Pavlovian response it causes into an employment nightmare for their male underlings. They do it on purpose, I bet.

3. Staffing Decisions Based On Cooperation Instead Of Conflict

You know what’s cool? When you go into a steel-cage royal rumble and emerge victorious. When the briefcases of your professional enemies are stained red with the blood of their broken dreams. Men are all about collaborating, as long as they beat all of their comrades.

Women can win in a scrum too, obviously, I’m not sexist or nothing. But when they are in charge, some of them at least, don’t feel the need to put all of their employees into a zero-sum death match for the brass ring. Trust me, I’ve seen them do it. They think about who works well with whom, whose talents can best be utilized where, which people respond to what kinds of motivation. IT’S MADDENING. Who has time to keep track of all that “different strokes for different folks” crap?

You want to get something done, you put your five best employees into a room with one bonus check, and you see who survives. But women have different ideas about team building sometimes. Be warned: being the employee with the biggest swinging dick isn’t always going to be enough for them.

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It’s terrifying, isn’t it? Just typing this post, with my penis, has been so much more uncomfortable than if Lat and Joe were in the office today. But we need to be aware of the world we’re moving towards. Feel free to share this post on /r/Victimhood when you get the chance.

(Picture of a male fever-dream, courtesy of Shutterstock)

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