Words are a lawyer’s tools, and are also our weapons. In fact, much of what lawyers are paid to do involves wielding words in a purposeful way to accomplish an objective. Whether they are changing a key clause in a deal document, or advancing an argument in a litigation brief or at a court appearance, it is always critical for a lawyer to be mindful of how they are “using their words.” Much of what younger lawyers are taught revolves around getting them to use their words more effectively: such as a mock trial that provides critical “on their feet” speaking experience, or by having a partner review their written work product and provide feedback.
Unfortunately, and perhaps because of a lack of self-confidence, lawyers can fall prey to “friendly fire” when it comes to using their verbal weapons. Everyone knows the damage that can be caused by gossip, particularly when the source and target of the gossip are in a relationship normally bounded by trust and common purpose. Most lawyers would agree that gossip directed at colleagues is disfavored, considering the harm that can be caused. For a lawyer, even developing a reputation as someone who badmouths and spreads rumors about lawyers in other firms can be damaging. So even though gossip can be effective, most smart lawyers are rightfully wary of engaging in it too often.
But gossiping about others is not what I consider to be true “friendly fire,” since many law firm are very competitive and politically charged environments. That element of competition elevates intra-office gossip above the level of true friendly fire in my estimation, particularly where the use of gossip is intended to drag down a colleague whose star is shining too brightly for everyone else’s tastes. As a practical matter, gossip will never be eradicated from a workplace, and for all its destructive power, it can also have some positive effects — by helping encourage better behavior, for example. Nothing is as effective a deterrent as the threat of public shaming, and the existence of gossipy co-workers could be enough to deter some bad behavior under the right circumstances.
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Ask your local gossip-monger, and they will likely concede that gossiping is addictive, and it would be very difficult for them to refrain from. As difficult it can be to avoid gossiping about others, in my opinion it is more important for lawyers to train themselves to never speak ill of themselves first, and then work on avoiding speaking ill of others. Too many lawyers in my experience are self-critical to an extreme, and allow themselves on occasion to derogate themselves in public. There are very few bad habits that are as career-limiting. No matter how upset you are with yourself, it is very important to bite your tongue, and avoid saying “I’m so stupid,” or worse, in the company of others. I am not talking about self-deprecating humor, but rather the unfortunate tendency of some lawyers to put themselves down verbally, in a way that we would take as offensive if directed at someone else. In our profession, there is no good reason to ever do so, irrespective of whether you think it makes you look humble, or self-aware, or whatever other post-facto rationalization you choose to seek solace in. By all means be humble, and open to constructive criticism. But keep your worst indictments of yourself — to yourself.
Why is speaking ill about oneself so dangerous for a lawyer? First, it is always important to remember that we are in a service profession. People trust us with their most sensitive matters, from both an emotional and financial perspective. Just as you would not want your cardiothoracic surgeon talking about how crappy his technique was during his last surgery, no client wants their expensive “trusted adviser” to project anything other than confidence and competence. Second, a lawyer who is not in control of their tongue is a lawyer who is less trustworthy, and more likely to “blab” about other sensitive topics. Third, people who speak ill of themselves ooze self-doubt, which is very off-putting, and often causes an audience to question their ability to perform, even in the absence of any evidence that suggests they are not qualified for their role. Additionally, because law is such a competitive environment, both in the workplace and when dealing with adversaries, it is a mistake to give your known (and perhaps unknown) enemies ammunition to use against you. “He admitted he messed up that case” is a lot more dangerous when spoken by a colleague to a superior about you — maybe at partner selection time — than if the best they can say against you is “I think he messed up that case.” In other words, your self-critical comments would be more damaging than a colleague’s self-generated opinion about you, especially if they can use your own words to “confirm” their negative commentary about you. Likewise, you do not want to allow your adversary to turn critical comments you have made about yourself into an advantage as the matter unfolds.
Ultimately, it is important to have self-respect, so that you can start the long process of earning the respect of others. People that are too self-critical, and verbalize that criticism against themselves publicly, do themselves a disservice, both on the home and work front. If you already are careful not to speak ill of yourself, then help a colleague or friend who you see struggles to avoid putting themselves down. If you find yourself criticizing yourself publicly in moments of frustration or anger, hopefully considering the potential damage will be an effective deterrent from continuing such self-destructive behavior. Everyone has enough people who would like to see them cut down to size; there is no need to do their job for them.
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Gaston Kroub lives in Brooklyn and is a founding partner of Kroub, Silbersher & Kolmykov PLLC, an intellectual property litigation boutique. The firm’s practice focuses on intellectual property litigation and related counseling, with a strong focus on patent matters. You can reach him at [email protected] or follow him on Twitter: @gkroub.