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Quitting Someone Else's Dream

Life is simply too short to waste it on doing something that you hate, according to columnist Jeena Cho.

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Growing up, all I ever wanted to be was a prosecutor. I graduated from law school and achieved my lifelong dream by becoming an assistant state’s attorney (ASA). I remember the momentary high of doing the thing I worked so hard to become followed very quickly by a deep knowing that this job wasn’t right for me. I’d feel sick to my stomach every Sunday evening and lived for Friday afternoons. Yet, I stuck with it because that’s what the Chos do – if something doesn’t work, try harder.

I now know how I felt about my job, it’s very common. If you feel this way about your job, please know, you are not the only one. Most of the lawyers I work with come to me with questions like “I absolutely hate my job but I feel stuck because I have $180,000 in student loan debt and I can’t afford to quit.” One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do is to admit to myself that the life I was living, the dream I struggled so hard to achieve, wasn’t right for me. That’s a hard realization after a lot of effort, struggle, six-figure debt, and the bar exam.

Lawyers I’ve found identify so much of who they are with what they do. When I work with lawyers, I give them an exercise where they try on different job titles and see if any of them feels like a possible fit. Most lawyers are reluctant to even entertain the idea of doing something, anything else.

Most of the time, it’s because of a deeply held belief that the only way she will be successful is if she continues her current path, climbs the ranks, and makes partner. This, I remind them, is like winning a pie-eating contest where the prize is – more pie. You better make darn sure that you really really like pie before entering the contest.

I spend a lot of time talking to lawyers about self-care, wellness, mindfulness, and doing work that you love — the thing that makes you so joyous that you lose sight of time and space. Many describe it as being in a state of “flow.” I describe it as following your bliss.

As I tour around the country, traveling to dozens of cities, giving talks, having one-on-one meetings with lawyers, and engaging in honest dialogue about life as a lawyer, a common theme I see is this: too many of us are living a dream that wasn’t meant for us. And often, there’s a sense of being stuck between a rock and a hard place. The idea of doing something else, even entertaining the idea, is scary — yet the idea of staying is literally making them ill.

It wasn’t an easy journey to go from being an ASA to starting a law practice with my husband to writing about and teaching mindfulness. It turns out, I didn’t enjoy criminal law but love bankruptcy. Clients are never happy to be sitting at my office but, for the most part, they are grateful that I can help them find a solution to their overwhelming debt problem.

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When I was in Denver, I gave a talk at the Colorado Bar Association. It was a full room and I had a moment where I looked up, saw all the attorneys that came to hear me speak, and thought – this is my life. I’m doing something I love so much that I would continue to do it, regardless of the critics, and the naysayers.

Having open dialogues with a group of lawyers about the things that we all think about but can’t speak about is a powerful experience. I’ve had lawyers come up to me after an event and share stories about how his friend (who is also a lawyer) committed suicide in the bar building parking garage, living with debilitating depression and feeling as though she’s the only one, living in a constant state of overwhelming anxiety, constantly feeling like a failure because she has to choose between her job and her child. There were many tears and hugs shared along the trip.

This leads me to ask the obvious question: given all that we know, given the statistics around lawyers and stress/anxiety, depression, substance/alcohol abuse, why aren’t we talking more about it? Why aren’t we creating safe spaces to talk about the damn elephant in the room? The expectation that we put on a facade and pretend that everything’s just fine only further isolates those who are suffering.

I’m writing this post overlooking the city of Portland sharing an Airbnb with four people who are here for the World Domination Summit. Three thousand people from all over the world are gathered here to answer the question, “How do we live a remarkable life in a conventional world?”

My housemates have fascinating jobs that do not involve law. One just quit his corporate job and traveled around the world for four months. Another housemate who is a travel writer is moving from Atlanta to Los Angeles. Another is working on a photography book documenting his journey around the world (he also owns a tech company and is building a tiny house so he can be location-independent and mortgage-free.) The last housemate works in tech but knows he wants to quit someday and be his own boss. I’ll spend the weekend surrounded by 3,000 others who are all committed to fully living their lives.

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I mention all of this because when you look up, when you give yourself the permission to explore what’s actually possible, when you stop putting limitations on yourself, the possibilities are endless. Life is simply too short to waste it on doing something that you hate, living someone else’s dream. So, my wish for you is this: that you give yourself permission to explore, to find your purpose, and to share your gift with the world.

Jeena Cho is co-founder of JC Law Group PC, a bankruptcy law firm in San Francisco, CA. She is also the author of the upcoming American Bar Association book, The Anxious Lawyer: An 8-Week Guide to a Happier, Saner Law Practice Using Meditation (affiliate link), as well as How to Manage Your Law Office with LexisNexis. She offers training programs on using mindfulness and meditation to reduce stress while increasing focus and productivity. She’s the co-host of the Resilient Lawyer podcast. You can reach her at smile@theanxiouslawyer.com or on Twitter at @jeena_cho.

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