I am in the middle of a silent power struggle with some of my colleagues. By “silent power struggle,” I mean I am struggling and my colleagues probably don’t even know anything is going on. Nor should they — if I were handling the situation like a mature adult, I’d tell them my issues and we’d move on. But being a grown-up wasn’t going to happen for me this week. Not for any malicious reason, but for practical reasons, I was too busy to be one.
Let me back up and give some context.
I have two competing devils on my shoulders. On one shoulder, the devil of accommodation pipes up and before I can stop him, volunteers to schedule meetings, to facilitate communications between colleagues, and why not make the coffee too? The other devil spits back that we have real work to do and we’re too good to perform these menial tasks. These people who expect me to handle their secretarial work, who do they think they are?
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It’s a tough spot to be in, especially when one works in a lean, flat-management structure and it isn’t clear who has the obligation to fill in the gaps where, in the past, administrative support would automatically take on these tasks. We’re given mixed messages about how to manage these situations, and my devils represent the gaps in the canned philosophies of good corporate behavior.
The problem with my devils is that they are both correct: I should be willing to be a team player and do what needs to be done in support of the team. But as right as this devil is, my other devil is equally correct. If I’m too accommodating and taking responsibility for the little actions that everyone is capable of doing, it can quickly turn into an expectation that I will be the one to schedule the meeting, call the car service, or make the dinner reservations. What was once a favor turns into additional job duties.
And so, here I am, with my pair of devils resting on my epaulets, each pouring their poisoned honey into my ears. If I have to choose between two devils, which one do I choose?
Neither. They are devils. They aren’t looking out for my best interest and neither is giving me good advice. They are playing into my insecurities and encouraging me to act on fear and emotion rather than on thoughtful analysis and confidence. If listening to my fiery friends isn’t going to help me, what should I be doing?
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I confess, I know the right answer is to assert my boundaries and tell my colleagues that they need to book the meeting room for the meeting they want to have, or they can check my calendar instead of me checking everyone else’s schedules, but I don’t want to do that. My devils know my fears and prey on them well. I’m afraid that if I speak up, it will become clear that I’m not a team player and that I think I’m too good to perform these simple tasks. Even worse, what if my colleagues say that these simple tasks are the only thing I’m good for?
The truth is, my fears are irrational, but the impact of succumbing to either of my devils is real. I listened to one of my devils this week and I ended up frustrated and resentful. But if I listen to the other devil, I will be angry and will alienate my colleagues. In this case, my silent war with my colleagues will end up with me anticipating when the meeting scheduling issue is going to arise during a conversation, and casually exiting the room right before that moment. I’ll hide out until the moment passes and the effort my colleagues will exert to continue the expectation that I’ll take care of all these extra things will be greater than doing it themselves, which they will ultimately do.
I’m not brave enough to have a direct conversation about this issue, but I honestly don’t think a heart to heart is necessary. I only need to clear the slate and reset my behavior with the standard operating procedures, but also with my colleagues and their expectations. Like so many things, it’s easier to stay with the devils I know.
Celeste Harrison Forst has practiced in small and mid-sized firms and is now in-house at a large manufacturing and technology company where she receives daily hugs from her colleagues. You can reach Celeste directly at [email protected].