Courts

Katy Perry Killed A Nun (Kinda) And She Liked It (Probably)

Nun who opposed Katy Perry in land deal literally drops dead in court.

By  
on

I got to spend 5 minutes looking for the most Satanic picture of Katy Perry on Getty.

As many people know, Katy Perry, a walking earworm of sin, has been involved in a long legal battle against a group of nuns. Perry has been trying to purchase a former convent directly from the Los Angeles Archdiocese, but the sisters of the Most Holy and Immaculate Heart of the Blessed Virgin Mary have been trying to sell the property to a local restaurateur for a much lower price than what Perry is willing to pay.

Perry basically won this case two years ago when a judge ruled that the Sisters didn’t have the right to sell the property without approval of the Archbishop. But they’re nuns and fighting for lost causes is kind of their thing. In post-trial proceedings Friday, one of the nuns, Sister Catherine Rose Holzman, died. In court.

Like she just collapsed and died.

Archbishop José Gomez, who as much as anybody has made the decision to sell the convent to the allegedly Godless Perry for $10,000,000 instead of the humble restaurateur for $100,000, released a statement:

“I was sad to hear the news of her passing and I have offered a Mass for the repose of her soul,” Gomez added. “We extend our prayers today to the Immaculate Heart of Mary community and to all her friends and loved ones.”

If reached for comment, I can only assume Perry would say: Baby do you care to do this, cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse.

Sponsored

Joking aside, this is probably really bad news for… Katy Perry. Archbishop Gomez approved her offer, but Perry’s still waiting for the Vatican to okay the sale. Yes, that Vatican.

I’m (a lapsed AF) Catholic, and I’m telling you we can take our signs from God very seriously. Dying is not a de facto signal that the living opposition was right. In fact, just as often as not, God murders people just to prove they were right.

Sister Catherine Rose Holzman is, kinda, a martyr now. And you’re telling me Pope Francis the Humblebrag is going to see all this and say, “Gimme the 10 million dollars from the pop star who looks like she was created by a hentai artist.” It would take a miracle to stop Katy Perry’s purchase and… I think we just saw one.

Of course, my official interpretation is that an 89-year-old woman died because that happens sometimes. Katy Perry should absolutely be able to buy the property from the people legally allowed to sell it to her. And if we’re going to get moral about the thing, I think we should focus on Katy Perry’s numerous, progressive good works, as opposed to the fact that her music videos are titillating and that she happens to be very pretty. She’s also the only one among us with the strength to fight Taylor Swift and her Nazi horde. I am 100% behind Perry in this endeavor.

Well, 99%. A nun just up and died trying to fight her. See… this is why I’m not a good Catholic. I too easily have… doubt.

Sponsored

Nun Involved In Katy Perry Convent Lawsuit Collapses And Dies In Court [NPR]

Elie Mystal is the Executive Editor of Above the Law and the Legal Editor for More Perfect. He can be reached @ElieNYC on Twitter, or at elie@abovethelaw.com. He will resist.

Topics

, ,