Small Law Firms, Stupid Lawyer Tricks

Lawyers Have Done Some Pretty Stupid Things Lately

Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time for your idiocy, lawyers.

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When I was a baby deputy district attorney way before many (or at least a lot) of you were born, our office had a couple of sayings that have just as much application today as 40 years ago. One was “don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.” The other was “felony stupid.”

Not in the criminal category, but definitely in the stupid column was the Utah Bar’s giant whoops of an email sent to all Utah lawyers. To the bar’s chagrin, the story did make headlines and prompted a raft of jokes about the errant email. And who says that lawyers don’t have a sense of humor?

Here’s a lawyer who fits both the “felony stupid” and the “don’t do the crime” profiles. Although he hasn’t been charged with any crime yet, this dude is looking at more trouble with the Ohio Bar, a feat considering that he’s already been disbarred. Any jurisdictional issue?    One’s head explodes with all the possible crossover bar exam questions.

I’m waving the flag for all attorneys who just represent their clients to the best of their abilities, don’t get in trouble with the bar, and honor the oath they took when they were admitted. Novel concepts to some. This guy should never be readmitted.

An example of “don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time” is something that Jeffrey Wertkin has found out. He’s the Akin Gump new partner hire, formerly with the Department of Justice, who was so concerned about his ability to generate business that he tried to sell copies of sealed DOJ whistleblower complaints to gin up his business development at the firm. Thirty months at Club Fed for Mr. Wertkin.

This case is Exhibit 1 for how not to develop business. We all know that attracting and retaining business is essential, but I think we can all agree (at least I hope we can) that this was the wrong way to do it. It wasn’t the devil that made Wertkin do it; he says stress was the culprit.

Is “stress” is now the excuse du jour? Raise your hand if you’re under stress. I see too many hands to count. However, how many of you would engage the conduct that is sending this guy to Club Fed? Hopefully, zero, zip, nada.

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Another lawyer off to Club Fed is a former Foley & Lardner partner convicted of insider trading. Obviously, I’m dumb as a rock since I need someone to explain to me why Biglaw partners need to do the crime and then do the time. Even non-equity partners in Biglaw make way more than the average American worker, so I’m clueless as to the circumstances that prompted these former Biglaw partners to cheat.

On trial for allegedly killing his wife and other assorted felonies is former Biglaw partner Claud “Tex” McIver. This should be a fascinating trial to follow, given the facts and statements that McIver has already made. True crime aficionados, of whom there are many, should be drooling. Will he or won’t he take the stand?

How would you like, as part of your sentence, to tell every one of your clients that you are a “crook, cheat, a liar, and a thief?” That’s a condition that the judge imposed back in November 2015 when he sentenced a Wisconsin lawyer to, among other things, five days in jail. However, that mantra didn’t seem to work, for now the suspended lawyer has been charged with forging a judge’s signature on a plea deal. And no, I’m not kidding.

When is the term “meatballs” code for a bribe or actually refers to the food that often sits on top of spaghetti or in a sandwich? When it becomes an issue in a bribery trial involving the Allentown, Pennsylvania, mayor and a lawyer, and I am not making this up. I’m just not that creative.  The mayor was convicted of 47 of the 54 charges against him, while the lawyer was convicted of bribery and conspiracy. The lawyer is now out of a job.

As a mediator, I see lawyers who take a client’s case personally (bad idea) and sometimes unload verbally on opposing counsel. (Worse idea if the goal is to try to settle the case.) However, I have yet to see, and I trust I never will see, a lawyer who unloads on opposing counsel by using a gun. This lawyer, apparently a Marine sniper by training (not the law school kind), is accused of firing several shots at the office of opposing counsel because he was pissed off by the opposing lawyer’s comment about case handling. No one was injured, but bar complaints are already pending against the shooter, and this incident will just be one more.

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Do you think that anyone has a filter any more or does everyone just spew out whatever comes to mind without stifling oneself to avoid inappropriate remarks? I guess not, if these two stories are any examples. Why is it now “ready, fire, aim?”

Have social media and the ability to just blurt out whatever random neural firings occur obviated the need for consideration before speaking? I guess so.

Here’s another example of “ready, fire, aim.” This lawyer says that white people are the chosen people and “….that it doesn’t involve hatred of other races, even of ethnic Jews.”  (What? Jews are a “race”? My parents never told me that I was part of a racial minority; a religious minority, yes.) The lawyer chastises Jews for their “un-Christian like influence.”  (Thank you for sharing.)

We dinosaurs passed the character and moral fitness test many, many years ago, long before social media and Google. Given those outlets today and given the predilection for incivility and just downright nastiness today, as well as the apparent penchant for some lawyers to break the law, do you wonder whether any of us could pass the character test today? I do.

old lady lawyer elderly woman grandmother grandma laptop computerJill Switzer has been an active member of the State Bar of California for 40+ years. She remembers practicing law in a kinder, gentler time. She’s had a diverse legal career, including stints as a deputy district attorney, a solo practice, and several senior in-house gigs. She now mediates full-time, which gives her the opportunity to see dinosaurs, millennials, and those in-between interact — it’s not always civil. You can reach her by email at oldladylawyer@gmail.com.

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