A T14 Law School Graduate's Dark Thoughts About Failing The Bar Exam

The bar exam is not worth your life. Always remember that you are loved.

Welcome to the latest installment of The Struggle, a series where we examine the mental-health and social issues that students and recent graduates encounter during the oftentimes grueling law school experience. We are posting these stories because sometimes what law students and recent graduates need is to know that they’re not alone in their pain. Sometimes what law students and recent graduates need is to know that they’ve got a friend who is willing to share not just in their triumphs, but also in their struggles. These are real messages from real readers.

If these issues resonate with you, please reach out to us. Your stories need to be heard. You can email us, text us at (646) 820-8477, or tweet us @atlblog. We will share your stories anonymously. You may be able to help a law student or recent law school graduate who needs to know that someone else has been there before and survived.


As I sit here trying to focus on studying for the bar exam so I don’t fail AGAIN, all I can think about is how worthless I feel.

After several years of the blood, sweat, tears, and stress-induced illness that came along with juggling a demanding full-time job and law school, I feel like I have nothing to show for it but six figures of debt.

I pushed myself to graduate a semester early because I was physically making myself ill (things took a dark turn pretty quickly for me after the 2016 election). I preferred the idea of more intense short-term pain if that meant it could be over sooner. I wasn’t too worried about the bar exam because the idea of only having to study and not work felt like a reward. I also wasn’t stressed about it because my T14 school never made me feel like it would be an issue — it’s assumed you’ll pass. “The bar only tests minimum competency. It’s nothing to stress over. Just study and you’ll be fine.” That’s all I ever heard in law school. It’s pretty hard not to feel like a complete fraud and failure when you flunk the exam shortly thereafter.

So, here I am, so close to my second round. Everyone around me thinks I’ll definitely pass this time. Everyone except me. I’m not scoring well based on my bar prep company’s metrics, so it’s not looking promising. It’s been really difficult to focus, and I’ve developed a bad habit of letting myself get distracted by any task that will make me feel like I’ve accomplishing something. While in theory, studying should satisfy that feeling of accomplishment, it only serves as a reminder of my incompetency.

Every time someone asks me about the bar exam (which is every god damn day), I just do my best Joe Pesci-Vinny Gambini impression and tell them, “Six time’s a charm.” They all laugh me off and say, “Of COURSE you’re going to pass THIS time. Don’t be ridiculous.” All of these people think they’re being supportive and have no clue how close to the edge they keep pushing me. I’m not there yet, but I have suicidal ideations on a pretty regular basis. I’m not ashamed to admit it because, sadly, I know how common it is for law students and lawyers. A friend at another highly ranked school told me about a girl who took her life before finals a few years back, and the connection that made me feel with her still haunts me.


Most law schools have counseling and psychological services resources that students and graduates can turn to if they are in crisis or would like counseling, even after hours. If these services are not available at your school, and if you or someone you know is depressed and in need help, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255) or a lawyer assistance program in your state (don’t be fooled by the name; these programs also provide services to law students). Remember that you are loved, so please reach out if you need assistance, before it’s too late.


Sponsored

Staci ZaretskyStaci Zaretsky is a senior editor at Above the Law, where she’s worked since 2011. She’d love to hear from you, so please feel free to email her with any tips, questions, comments, or critiques. You can follow her on Twitter or connect with her on LinkedIn.

Sponsored