Attempted Exorcism Of Jeff Sessions Fails

The power of Christ has no power at the Federalist Society.

The only movies that “scare” me are possession-type horror films. Sure, lots of things “disturb” me. The last 10 minutes of Hereditary was disturbing. But it’s only the kind of Catholicism based exorcism type movies that have ever kept me up at night.

I think it’s because I’m Catholic. Most horror movies involve people, usually white people, either overreacting to supposedly “supernatural” events, or massively underreacting to supernatural events. Like, there’s a scene in The Amityville Horror where the toilet tells the lady “get out.” And she’s all like, “Hmm, that’s weird.” No. NO. I used to live in Amityville. If the toilet starts talking to me, and I’m not high, I’m going to get out of the damn house.

But there are a lot of other movies where a bunch of insects are swarming in a straight line and the protagonists is all, “Oh no, WE HAVE DEMONS,” and I’m like, “Bruh, you just have ants. Get some Borox and you’re good.” I almost never buy the gut reactions and choices of people in horror movies. I can suspend my disbelief about a lot of things. But if you tell me that a proud black man is going to go to his white girlfriend’s plantation and take that long before he attempts to “get out,” I’m going to call BS.

With the Catholic movies, I buy all the underlying reactions. I believe in science and all that. But if I see some dude unnaturally crawling on the walls with his head on backwards spitting vomit, my first reaction is going to be to reach for a Bible (there’s got to be one around here somewhere), not, like, a Newtonian physics equation. I’m gonna scream “the power of Christ compels you” at the wall crawler, long before my brain resets and I go all Ray Stantz and say: “As a duly-designated representative of the City, County and State of New York, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin, or to the next convenient parallel dimension.”

What can I say, the word of God is supposed to be powerful. It’s supposed to help you when you confront demons and ghouls. It’s… supposed to stop Jeff Sessions from speaking at the Federalist Society:

I mean… THIS SHOULD HAVE WORKED! Of course it didn’t. I know why it didn’t. I know that Jeff Sessions is the kind of “Christian” who thinks that Jesus only came to save white people who had the good sense not to be poor. I know that the Christian Theocracy Jeff Sessions wants to usher in is based on his racial bigotry and not scripture. I know he can’t be shamed. I know he can’t be stopped. I know Holy Water is just water and if you threw it on Jeff Sessions he’d have your ass on the first boat to Guantanamo and the “both sides” media wouldn’t report that Sessions failed to get wet.

Sponsored

But, I wanted this to work. When I’m scared, I want to believe that there’s a book or a cross or a string of beads that can somehow save me. I’m, embarrassingly for me, more Fox Mulder than Dana Scully. I want to believe.

Jeff Sessions is a walking Hellmouth. The only thing that can stop him and the policies he supports is voting against his party. There is no other silver bullet.

If you are looking for a real jump-scare this Halloween, check out 538’s Senate forecast. That’s what should keep you up at night.


Elie Mystal is the Executive Editor of Above the Law and the Legal Editor for More Perfect. He can be reached @ElieNYC on Twitter, or at elie@abovethelaw.com. He will resist.

Sponsored