Crime

Who's Up For A Fun Night Out Watching Alan Dershowitz Talk About Sex Trafficking?

With his panties on! Probably.

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(Photo by John Lamparski/Getty Images for Hulu)

Just how broken is Alan Dershowitz’s brain? He’s already gone on national television to talk about his “perfect, perfect sex life” and the state of his underpants. He filed four failed bar complaints against David Boies and accused the law firm Boies Schiller of being “a RICO.” Two weeks ago he fired off a tweetstorm defending his 1992 LA Times Op-Ed entitled “Statutory Rape Is an Outdated Concept.” And now he’s headlining a delightful synagogue event defending the biblical Joseph’s brothers on charges of kidnapping and child trafficking.

This isn’t your zaydie’s latkes vs. hamentaschen debate, boychik. Dersh is putting the mockery back in mock trial!

If you somehow managed to attend a law school without Jews, perhaps at BYU, you may be unfamiliar with the tradition of putting historical events or the merits of various foodstuffs on trial. If so, well, it’s just as nerdy as you think it is.

As the Jerusalem Post pointed out, this is New York’s Temple Emanu-El’s sixth annual The People vs. Joseph’s Brothers event, with former Governor Chris Christie playing prosecutor, and U.S. District Judge Ronnie Abrams adjudicating. It will no doubt be a lovely evening, albeit with some extra subtext with Alan Dershowitz arguing for the defense.

Was Joseph old enough to give consent, or did his mature appearance convince his brothers that he was really into it? Did he lead his hapless siblings on with that suggestive coat of many colors? If he was subsequently paid for his labor, does it mean that he actually wanted it all along?

And, most importantly, whose idea was it to let a guy who’s been accused of having sex with multiple girls at Jeffrey Epstein’s house participate in a discussion of child trafficking? Are you people meshuggenah? The man has been whining for months about being left out of brunch on Martha’s Vineyard, and New York is welcoming him like this?

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Dershowitz already told the Jewish Telegraph Agency that he’s Abraham, John Adams, and Abe Lincoln all rolled into one, saying, “I defend the guilty in order to protect not only them, but in order to assure that innocent people are not brought to trial and put through the personal agony that such a legal process entails. If criminal defense lawyers were to refuse to zealously defend the guilty, then more and more innocent people would be brought to trial.”

Which is an entirely noble sentiment, except that it presupposes a fair and adversarial legal system, unsusceptible to intimidation and influence by wealthy, well-connected litigants. It takes a special kind of arrogance to tell a reporter, “I may have done my job too well,” as if a poor, Hispanic defendant credibly accused of molesting dozens of girls could lean on half the Justice Department and get 13 months of work release if only The Great Alan Dershowitz was on the case.

So, mazel tov to the staff at Temple Emanu-El on your big get. Luckily, our people never complain (cough), so probably only half the congregation will threaten to cancel their membership unless you disinvite that Dershowitz farshtinkener. Good luck!

And … THIS JUST IN: The event has been canceled, and all tickets will be refunded. That’s a darn shame!

Alan Dershowitz Is Defending Characters Accused of Child Trafficking in a Mock Trial [Jerusalem Post]
Alan Dershowitz: Why I will continue to defend clients like Jeffrey Epstein [JTA]

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