Law Schools

An Exhaustive Collection Of Lawyer Pickup Lines To Be Quoted In Your Next Restraining Order

Use at your own risk.

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Try these lines and get ready for this reaction.

Pickup lines generally walk the fine line between cheesily bad and actionably harassing. But the art of crafting pickup lines for a specific profession brings in a level of sad nerdism that makes it perfect fodder for lawyers and law students showing off their mastery of arcane (to the rest of the world) legal knowledge in a way that’s just funny enough to get them a pity lay.

The Law School Memes for Edgy T14s page asked members to provide their best lawyerly pickup lines and they didn’t disappoint. Here’s a collection of the best of the project:

  • Are you looking to tender some performance? Cause I’m ready, willing, and sufficient to satisfy.
  • Hey girl, are you a bar review class? Because I would pay $3500 for you to talk to me for a short amount of time.
  • Are your shareholders liable for your corporate debts? Because I’d like to pierce your veil.
  • Are you intro to property law? Because I bet you can make me cry and waste countless hours of my life.
  • Girl, I can sustain an objection for almost four hours.
  • Westlaw and chill?
  • Are you the country residence from Jacob & Youngs v. Kent? Cuz I’m tryna put a pipe in you.
  • You must be a long arm statute cause you could grab me anywhere.
  • Are you equity, cause I’ll make you come with clean hands.
  • Oh baby, I’ll give you so much due process, standing will be the only issue.
  • Are you the Court of Appeals because I’m tryna get overturned.
  • I’m not in Big Law, but I got a big… Ego and Major Depression, please tell me I’m pretty.
  • Is your name Lexis? Because you have everything I’ve been searching for.
  • Are you confidential files? Because I’d like to examine you in camera.
  • Girl, are you a burden shifting test? Cause what’s that butt for?
  • Hi, are you my legal fees? Because you’re way too high and clearly taking advantage of me.
  • Damn boy, is your ass Informal Rulemaking under the Administrative Procedure Act? Because I just had to Notice and Comment.
  • Are you petitioning for cert? Because you’re appealing to me.
  • If you’re Tompkins, I’m the Erie railroad cause I’m crushing on you.
  • Something something dictum. Sleep with me.
  • Are you a porter for Long Island Railroad? Cause you make my head spin.
  • In my advisory opinion, after you see my dicta, you won’t have standing.
  • Baby, if you were a contract, you’d be the fine print.
  • I have the ability to turn the lawyer thing off and act like a normal human when I leave the office.
  • Let me show you section 69 of my penal code.
  • They call me Learned Hand for a reason.
  • Maybe my special master can override your taint team.
  • I’ll give you an excited utterance.
  • I’ll make sure we observe Title IX and each get substantially equal playing time.
  • I’m a lawyer, of course I can get you off.
  • Hey boy. Is it true you last longer than a Scalia dissent?
  • On a scale of 1 to America, how free are you tonight?
  • Imma RAP that ass for the next 21 years!
  • Hey girl, whaddya say we remove this matter to a forum more conveniens?
  • Are you the Sixth Amendment? Cause I’d like to try you speedily and in public.
  • Are you a restrictive covenant? Because I’d like to touch and concern you.
  • I ask less questions than Clarence Thomas.
  • I wish my law school has curves like you.
  • Is your name Rodriguez, because I have a reasonable suspicion that you’re packing something, and I’d like to extend this interaction.
  • Are you the Third Amendment, cause I’m thinking about quartering my soldier in your home.
  • Are you a 3L? Cause I’d like to take a look at your outlines.
  • Are you Tennessee Valley Authority v. Hill? Because DAM.
  • Want to test the bounds of Fox v. FFC…I can make you swear…on camera.
  • They call me breacher cuz I always fail to substantially perform.
  • Hey, I’m poly, expressio unius non est exclusio altius.
  • Baby you’re thiccer than my ConLaw casebook
  • *When they introduce you to their friend* “I’d like to make a rule 14a motion to join a third party?”
  • Are you the commerce clause? Cuz there are no limits to what I would do with you
  • I’m a lawyer.

Aw. That last one was some powerfully wishful thinking. Try something like:

“I call it Blackacre because I’ll convey it all to you, baby… remainder to your friend over there.”

That should work. As long as you don’t add “reverter to my wife.”

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HeadshotJoe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news. Joe also serves as a Managing Director at RPN Executive Search.

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