Pro Se Litigants

Man Seeks Restitution For Daughter's Loss Of Virginity... With Footnotes!

Is there a forum non conveniens motion for the 'courts of heaven'?

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Before the Trump administration guts Twitter, the website remains one of the best sites for free entertainment in the world. Because, as with “society” generally, once you cut through the lies, racism, bullying, posturing, homophobia, whining, and Russian bots… social media is a pretty cool place to share.

For example, have you ever found yourself holding archaic, misogynistic views about male ownership of female sexuality and wondered how you could turn those into a cause of action? Well, this guy is appealing to the “courts of heaven” for restitution because his daughter had sex with her boyfriend… a decade ago. According to Twitter user Isaac N., a friend of the accused, the ex-boyfriend’s wife of seven years found what functions as a pro se demand letter I suppose in the mailbox.

It has been nearly ten years since I learned that you stole my daughter _______’s virginity. Initially it was my intention to forgive you. But after I confronted you about it and you expressed repentance, I later learned that you have since gone and done the same to others.

Question: this guy is following up on the sex life of his daughter’s ex? What exactly are those Facebook stalking questions like? “Hi, you don’t know me, but it looks like you dated so and so… did you bone? Thanks.”

In the interim, I have thought, prayed and studied the Scriptures seeking for an appropriate response.

I feel like “let go and let God” is alluded to all over the place. Spoiler alert: this guy missed those passages.

At the time I was a man of modest means and you deliberately took from me my most precious treasure. A treasure I invested my heart and soul and every available resource in creating. For a brief pleasure, you forever took from me the sublime joy of giving my pure, virgin daughter away in marriage to her chosen husband.

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Imagine the dowry this man of modest means will need to pay now!

Buckle up everyone because now we get to the real lawyerin’:

When Jacob sought to marry Rachel, the daughter of Laban, they agreed that Jacob would first serve Laban for seven full years tending his herds, flocks and tribes- Therefore, if we had mutually agreed that you could marry _______, the equivalent of seven years of your full-time service would have been a reasonable bride price.

The man’s found the market standard!

In fact, if a thief does not have the means to make full restitution, they may be sold into slavery as well.

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I feel as though there’s been some intervening legislation on this point.

So, I have decided to petition the courts of heaven….

One of the seven footnotes in the letter appears here to let us know what he’s talking about. It points us to the Book of Daniel:

His throne was flaming with fire, and its wheels were all ablaze. 10A river of fire was flowing, coming out from His presence. Thousands upon thousands attended Him, and myriads upon myriads stood before Him. The court was convened, and the books were opened.

So… Southern District of New York.

… to take from you and give to me that which is your dearest possession: your youth and all the good that goes with it Specifically I demand divine restitution that will age you and rejuvenate me 49 years.

As your Honor is aware, in the case of United States vs. Benjamin Button…

We’ve got a plague and fathers bartering over virginity… the Middle Ages are back people!

(Check out the whole letter on the next page…)

HeadshotJoe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news. Joe also serves as a Managing Director at RPN Executive Search.

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