Government

Election Night Viewing Guide -- For Maximum Self-Destruction

Let's make it through the night together.

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We’ve had an exciting general election season, haven’t we? Joe Biden opened up about a 7-point favorite and is closing as… about an 8-point favorite. And yet it wasn’t for lack of effort on the part of the world and the media. COVID transitioned slightly from a global pandemic to a uniquely American disaster in management, police forces launched a week of rioting, some people tried to kidnap a governor, a Supreme Court seat got filled, Roger Stone got pardoned, the president ALMOST DIED, and yet nothing really shook the landscape.

So, after some truly brutal debate drinking games, let’s give you one more for election night. Remember to feel free to change your drink based on the time of day you start. For example, if you’re starting on mimosas, first of all, my hat’s off to you, and second of all, make the shift to beer or hard liquor eventually or you’re going to completely erode your stomach lining.

As Rick Hasen has warned us since February, elections aren’t official on election night, and people should not expect complete results on election night, but you’re still going to watch so let’s make it interesting.

All events are sips unless otherwise noted. And keep checking back throughout the rest of the day in case we add to this….

Election Law Expert: Speaking of Rick Hasen, let’s drink whenever a lawyer shows up to opine on the election. This rule has the benefit of being a bellweather for your night, because the more they bring lawyers on to talk about lawsuits, the worse things are going for the country and the more likely you are to need a drink.

Jurisdictional Primer: If someone has to explain “standing” or a similar concept to a lay audience. Just take your drink until you can coherently explain the current state of the Roberts Court’s articulation of it — actually, no, don’t do that at all because you’ll never be able to stop.

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Republicans Urge “Counting Every Ballot” (put down your current drink and grab a completely different one for the rest of the night): People forget that George W. Bush planned to challenge the 2000 results on the grounds that he expected to lose the electoral college and win the popular vote. After weeks of bleating that the election must be finished on election night, if Republicans start saying, “well, wait a minute, maybe there are GOP absentees out there” laugh hysterically and then get that new drink.

Supreme Court: Whether it’s the impact of Trump’s strategically short-sighted move to place ACB on the Court or ominous warnings about the Supreme Court’s potential involvement in the election, take your sip. UNLESS…

Court-Packing: Just drink as many shots as justices they propose to add. And hope Elie Mystal isn’t on the screen.

An Opinion Is Issued During Coverage (finish your drink): No matter which court does it, if the anchors have to start walking us through an opinion just handed down, you’re going to need to grab another.

“Bush v. Gore” (only sip if it’s not in reference to Florida): While discussing Florida, networks are contractually obligated to mention the case every 30 seconds. But if it’s mentioned generically take a sip.

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“Biden v. Trump” (have you considered Tide Pods as a mixer?): If anyone says this in the form of a prospective caption…

Kayleigh McEnany Shows Up: If the White House Press Secretary appears on TV, take a sip and just remember that she started out as an Above the Law columnist and realize we’re as upset about that as you are.

Second Gentleman: They’re dying to use this one. Finish your drink if they namecheck the firm.

Every Time A State Is Called: Worst case scenario you have 51 sips tonight because of DC counts even though it’s not a state… until next year.

Optional: If you have Grenadine and Blue Curacao around the house, make shots for Red and Blue.

269-269: In 538’s final projections there is a ONE tie. Start drinking whenever the topic of “how do we resolve a tie” comes up and then every single time the number “269” is uttered again.

Faithless Electors: We just had a Supreme Court case about it! But if it comes up tonight, that’s bad news for everyone. If it comes up during the 269-269 talk though you should finish your drink.

Texas Potentially Going Blue: The political media have been dreaming about this kind of a major sea change for years. If the conversation is raised, take a sip. If it happens, shotgun a Shiner Bock.

Susan Collins Declared The Loser (just say you’re concerned and troubled that you might have to drink and then don’t): This is a tight race, but she’s definitely the underdog.

A T14 Law School Is Mentioned: Be it as a qualification for a talking head or a polling location or Tiffany’s alma mater… whatever.

Syracuse Law School Is Mentioned (Take someone else’s drink and pretend it was yours): Your boos only give me more power!

Kanye: Hey, early results can be crazy. If Kanye registers on the screen at any point, go ahead and drink.

The Election Is Actually Over (get to bed and get ready for tomorrow): Don’t expect it, don’t necessarily hope for it, but if it happens take a moment to appreciate that you’ve got to go to work tomorrow now that there isn’t a full-scale civil war in the offing.

See you all on the other side, folks!

HeadshotJoe Patrice is a senior editor at Above the Law and co-host of Thinking Like A Lawyer. Feel free to email any tips, questions, or comments. Follow him on Twitter if you’re interested in law, politics, and a healthy dose of college sports news. Joe also serves as a Managing Director at RPN Executive Search.

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