Being The Family Caregiver: Our Children, Our Parents, Ourselves

It must be jarring for our parents when a sudden health crisis hits, and they are no longer as independent as they once were.

Ed. note: This is the latest installment in a series of posts on motherhood in the legal profession, in partnership with our friends at MothersEsquire. Welcome Courtney Risk to our pages. Click here if you’d like to donate to MothersEsquire.

When I first drafted this article, I had a clear direction: discuss how we can plan for the transitions of caring for our parents and our children to allow better care for ourselves. Then, in early April, I had the misfortune of injuring both legs, including a broken fibula. It happened while hiking on a flat, partially paved trail easy enough for my 4-year-old daughter and our 6-month-old puppy to tackle; walking is hard. The irony of writing about making plans when my own had been thrown around like a toddler exploring an open filing cabinet was not lost on me.

I spent the next several weeks being cared for in ways I never planned. My initial recovery was slower than expected due to complications, leaving me frustrated and exhausted. My daughter and I stayed with my sister, whose home was more accessible than our own and whose schedule was flexible enough to help care for us both. My fiancé managed our daughter’s activities — providing her with some normalcy — and supported my need to stay with my sister, despite missing his family. My friends checked on me, bringing me good food and laughter. My favorite coffee shop even sent a card when the baristas heard the news (and I do not apologize for my apparently noticeable love of caffeine).

I am grateful for all the support I am still receiving. However, relying on others for basic tasks has been a challenging experience. To suddenly go from feeling strong to being carried out of the woods by the search and rescue team is jarring. It was not until revisiting this article that it hit me: it must be jarring for our parents when a sudden health crisis hits, and they are no longer as independent as they once were. Imagine if that is also accompanied with a realization that they may never regain their full independence.

My mother passed suddenly in 2011 after her cancer returned and rapidly spread. I became the main caregiver for my father while in law school, and my sister later took on the role. During the eight years following my mother’s death, I started my career, got married (and divorced), and became a mother. In that time, my father struggled with the grief of losing my mother while suffering multiple strokes and several setbacks in his health before passing in 2019.

My father was a planner and, so, I never had to prod him to get a will or get his finances in order. However, my father and I struggled to figure out a balance where both our needs were met. There were periods when I felt I was still able to fully focus on law school and my growing family, only to then find out my father was struggling. The pendulum would then swing, and I would find myself meeting his needs while I was worn so thin I had very little left for myself or my growing family. We had a plan for support to meet his basic physical needs but struggled with other areas.

What my recent experience has put into focus is the need to lead with compassion instead of a plan. As my family and friends cared for me compassionately, I was able to be more compassionate with myself and then, return the compassion and acknowledge when those around me might be feeling fatigued by the extra demands. I also realize how important it is to have a team to share the burden instead of relying on one or two people to meet every need.

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Simply start the conversation, asking your parents what they want out of the last chapters of their lives. Gain an understanding of what they desire from a holistic perspective — mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually — so you can support their goals as challenges to their independence arise. Keep in mind, if your parents have already lost some independence, this conversation could prove more difficult as they struggle with making peace with the transition themselves.

After hearing their goals, ask what they envision your role being in meeting those goals. Then, be honest about whether you can meet that expectation or not. Consider what support is available and whether that may impact your capacity to help.

Identify those who can provide additional support to your parents:

  • friends who can combat isolation and depression
  • neighbors who can help with yardwork
  • other family that can help with transportation or other needs
  • therapists and other mental health providers

Also, identify support for your children:

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  • age-appropriate resources to discuss declining health and end of life (For my toddler, the book “Gentle Willow: A Story for Children About Dying by Joyce C. Mills, Ph.D., was very helpful.)
  • create opportunities for continued engagement between your parents and your children through storytelling, crafts, and puzzles (which will help your parents, as well)
  • therapists and other mental health providers, when necessary

Additionally, identify additional support for yourself:

  • friends or family who can provide respite care, allowing you to take a break from parenting or caring for a parent, or both
  • at least one activity or hobby that brings you peace: yoga, reading, knitting, hiking, painting, or — my personal favorite — adult coloring books
  • if you have a partner, allow them to take on additional tasks at home (which I recently learned can be done, thanks to my fiancé)
  • local hospice resources when navigating end-of-life care
  • therapists and other mental health providers

Most importantly, agree to always lead with love and compassion: for your parents, your children, and yourself.


Courtney Risk is a litigator based in Lexington, Kentucky, building on her prior experience as an employment and municipal law attorney.  She also previously served as a domestic violence prosecutor and is currently a Legal Fellow for The Mary Byron Project, a non-profit organization working to enhance justice for those experiencing intimate partner violence.  Courtney’s priority is her family and enjoys spending as much time as she can with her four-year-old daughter and fiancé in nature.  You can contact Courtney here.